Not talking - now what?

[Shitweek1]

It's been a shit week. DH has had some unexpected business to tend to (not his fault and upsetting for him) so I've been left to pick up everything else - busy full time job, small kids with limited childcare as it's half term, house renovations which mean half the house isn't usable and entertaining the kids is hard work...

It's triggered my anxiety and OCD-type behaviours a bit and during the little time DH has been at home he's managed to call me "weirdo", "whacko" as well as scoffing telling me "you're mentally ill!"

No shit sherlock! It's just massively upset me and changed the way I see him as he's not been so mean before. I know he was very stressed because of what he was going through but talking to me like that when I'd been spinning all the plates for him for a few days just pushed me over the edge.

Ironically I had my first therapy session booked for this week and had to cancel as he couldn't be with the kids as planned, so it's not like I'm not doing anything about it.

We've not really spoken since and I don't know what to do from here. Usually I forget we've argued by the next morning and interact as normal which puts us back on track but this time I'm pissed off so I've not been talking either. He's obviously happy to co-habit and not talk so this could go on for ages. He's very passive in general.

I'm really unhappy with the whole situation and don't know what to do 😥

he's managed to call me "weirdo", "whacko" as well as scoffing telling me "you're mentally ill!"

I'm very sorry OP. This is abusive.

Has he done this before?

Even if it's due to his current stress, it's not ok.

And if he regularly addresses you like this, he's likely a key part of your struggles.

Have you got other support IRL?

He is happy with giving and receiving silent treatment, he calls you demeaning names. No love or respect in this relationship. You know what to do

It's weird as I would describe him as really kind, thoughtful, placid.

Just not with me at the moment. That's also what hurt, as all week he put himself out for a family member in a tricky situation (not life threatening), really going above and beyond. So caring and selfless, all while being as intolerant and mean to me as ever. I think I bring out the worst in him.

He just doesn't get mental illness really. My anxiety is our main source of disagreement, otherwise we get on.I've only been anxious since DC were born, so I often think it's fair enough as it's not what he had signed up for. I was fun and carefree when we met.

But maybe it comes down to what @PierceMorgansChin said. There is just no love or respect anymore, he just doesn't like this version of me. He's not right or wrong, it's just what it is. There probably wasn't enough unconditional love there in the first place so we're falling at this hurdle.

@EarringsandLipstick not much support IRL which is definitely the root cause of my anxiety. I feel like I have no back up if something goes wrong (including him) so I'm hypervigilant all the time. But I suppose it's telling that I don't feel he is dependable. I should feel safe knowing someone has my back.

"I've only been anxious since DC were born, so I often think it's fair enough as it's not what he had signed up for."

In sickness and in health includes mental health op. He signed up to having children and having children has an effect on your body and mind. I had ppa after having ds, it's a natural and common part of having children even though it's something that needs managed. So yes he did sign up.

I think obviously marriages are complex and there's been a huge amount of stress for you both recently. I think you need to find some time when dc are in bed and it's quiet to sit down and talk about how things have escalated. You need to let him know that you're hurt and angry etc and that calling you names when you're struggling and taking active steps to manage that struggle is unfair and hurtful. I think you need to acknowledge that yes he's under a lot of pressure, but that you've done as much as you can to help and to keep plates spinning so he can focus on other things so it's not acceptable for him to then be disrespectful towards you. I think he needs to learn how to manage his stress so he's not verbally abusive towards you when he's under pressure. And maybe you agree some boundaries like if he needs space he can go out for an agreed amount of time to clear his head and you get to do the same. I'd also point out that you're taking responsibility for yourself and getting therapy to address the things you're finding hard, so he needs to take responsibility for his emotions too. If that's not therapy then maybe it's exercise or a hobby etc. But he needs to be accountable for himself. Dh has a very stressful job, he used to come home in foul form, never abusive or aggressive but it impacted on me and he had to learn how to communicate his feelings with me and he started playing football once a week and the exercise and the social network helped lift his mood massively. Having small children is called being in the trenches for a reason- it's really tough on a relationship. The key is personal responsibility though. And he does need to apologise to you. He was out of line. All you can do op is open that communication and be honest and then it's up to him to take action to make sure it isn't repeated. Then you can take things from there.

Thank you @Lavender14 , we had a similar conversation after the scoffing and shouting at me that I'm mentally ill.

I did get an apology but it was "OK I was wrong to call you names BUT..."

Basically saying I need to see how hard his week has been and that he doesn't "need this"

I pointed out that it doesn't affect him or the family though. If my mental illness meant I was getting drunk and unable to look after the kids or something then fair enough, but I was basically doing a bit of extra cleaning while watching TV once kids were in bed. I was just minding my own business and he went out of his way to attack me.

I felt like I'd been smashing it to be honest, keeping on top of everything and multitasking like a boss all week. So he really had no reason to be annoyed with me.