Worth pursuing ASD diagnosis for DH

[Whattodo202023]

Just wanted some advice on this really...

Been with DH for 15 years now, married with 2 children. Ive been aware for a number of years that DH meets profile for someone with ASD- lots of big and small things. Really really struggles with social situations and social anxieties, one-sided conversations, poor social skills, strong niche hobbies etc. The list goes on. I work in education and so do many of my friends/family and many, over the years, have said as much to me too. He has many positives too and can be a great dad and husband but equally there are problems.

He doesnt think he meets the profile- said he looked into it and that was that.

Over the years I've just put up with some of these social difficulties and covered for them or whatever. I have a good family and friends network and lean on them when i know i cant lean on him.

The thing is Im feeling increasingly lonely in this relationship. I cant lean on him a lot, I pick up a huge amount of the parenting slack because he can't/won't do it.

I think I'm asking those with any experience of these situations- would getting a diagnosis help? Is it worth pursuing with DH and then beyond that? Does it actually do anything? Is there a way to try and improve this or is this just it?

How exactly would you "get a diagnosis" for him when he has zero interest in pursuing it?

I'm sorry to be so direct, but unless he has an interest in pursuing it, there is nothing to that end you can do. You'd be waiting years for assessment anyway, unless you paid. Diagnosis wouldn't magically change anything; at best it might give him a basis to discuss some reasonable adjustments with his work, if he wanted to have that conversation, which he doesn't. It wouldn't change him. He is who he is.

You can absolutely look into strategies and support for living with/loving someone with ASD, and I hope you'll find them helpful. But your choices will have to be around whether you can accept and live with him as he is.

We suspect my DH is autistic but tbh he’s 40, successful and self employed. A label won’t change anything for him. I’m his crutch in social situations and family life is easier if I explain things rather than expect him to know.

We have though sought a diagnosis for our child as they were struggling at school and whilst high functioning school didn’t seem to “get” it.

Fully appreciate he would need to be on board for a diagnosis! The first thing to do would probably start pointing out when he does or doesn't do things which are in line with an ASD profile. For example, if the conversation moves onto a subject he is interested in then it develops into a 10 minute monologue where I dont need to say or do anything. Ive not said anything after those because I wouldn't want to upset him or make him self conscious- which it would do- but the result is he isnt aware hes doing it.

DH is successful and employed. He can get through work absolutely fine, its just home. Thankfully weddings and other big social events have fizzled out so its really just within our home and small family dynamic that I am finding it difficult and, as I said in my OP, lonely.

If not a diagnosis then is there anywhere to go for support or strategies (as much for me as him)?

A diagnosis won’t change his behavior- unless he wants to change it and uses the diagnosis to seek therapy with a psychologist (not a Councellor) to look at social skills etc.
IMO a diagnosis can help someone become more accepting of who they are.

I understand the loneliness aspect, I suspect my DH has ASD. DS recently was diagnosed in his late teens. DH recognized himself in a lot of the questions we were asked about DS.
I have made a friendship circle for myself. Bookclub, likeminded friends, hobbies etc. It really helps as DH is not social. He adores me and like to do things with me. But he isn’t really social himself. But he can be charming and funny in company. And is professionally very successful.

It’s difficult as getting a diagnosis won’t change who he is, and if he’s not on board he’s not going to engage with any therapy / help. Appreciate it’s difficult but I guess you’ve always known he was like this? Or has some of the behaviours becomes more difficult to live with over time? I guess the social situation is very difficult to change. I’d just crack on with your own friendship group / support network

My Gp has just recommended reading Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine. She said even though it’s written as fiction it gave her a better understanding.

I’m 52 and just completed the pre-referral form as I got fed up of being shouted at for not being able to do things the way others expected me to do them. It’s not necessarily about labels more about understanding. I have had several comments over a long period about the possibility of being ND

It's not your choice.

That was the one thing I had thought a diagnosis might bring- understanding, as much for DH as anything.

He is someone who is unhappy in his own skin, feels anxious and self conscious when he is virtually everywhere but home. Hes on ADs because of his anxiety and low mood.

Your husband has says that he has read around the subject and feels he does not meet the diagnostic criteria. But he's not an expert, and he appears to have little insight into his own behavior, so he is not able to self appraise.

Is it possible to revisit this with him in conversation,
perhaps offering examples of the kind of behaviours that you find difficult? Obviously this would need to be carefully done, because you can't diagnose him.

When it was first put to me that I might be on the spectrum I went straight to denial. It was only when real life examples of my behaviours were given to me that I slowly started to change my view of my self. The examples were mainly to do with social situations.

It is a tricky situation, but obviously he would have to be moved towards a more open position before he would consider an assessment.

You can by-pass the NHS log jam and get an assessment privately for around £1500 in my area. Not affordable for everyone of course. Make sure you are getting a suitably experienced clinical psychologist to make the assessment if you go down this path.

I both agree and disagree with posters who say diagnosis changes nothing. It doesn't change you. But it can provide helpful insight into how you relate to others and how they percieve you.

There is a very good and supportive thread for people living with a partner with ASD. Lots of common themes.

Thanks @Crazyquilter whats the link?

It’s under Relationships but, sorry, I don’t know how to look for the thread!

What would you expect to improve or change if he agrees to pursue diagnosis and gets one OP? You're still going to be married to a man with the characteristics that you find so difficult. It's not going to make social situations any easier. It's not going to make him any more supportive of you or able to pick up any more of the slack at home. You can point stuff out to him. You can tell him how he doesn't meet your needs as a parent to your DC and as a co-parent with you, but nothing is going to change. He'll have a diagnosis. You'll both have a explanation for why he is the way he is. But at the end of the day you're still going to married to this man who doesn't meet your needs. TBH, I think a diagnosis is a red herring. Do you want to continue being married to this man or not? That's the bottom line.

@Crazyquilter thanks- will take a look