Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after abuse?

[Cloudywithsunnyspells]

As the title says really. My ex DP (DC Dad) was abusive in pretty much every way - emotional, mental, sexual, physical. We were together 5 years, relationship ended in 2004, had to endure another 10 years of him trying to control me, verbal abuse, etc.

I've had two relationships since then which have both been disastrous. For the last 6 years, I've stayed single and have done a lot of work on myself - therapy, yoga, meditation, reiki healing, exercise, etc. For the last couple of years, I've been feeling really strong, independent, happy and in control of my own life.

I've really met someone new (same sex) who I've totally fallen for (and the feeling seems to be mutual). However, it's dragging up all sorts of memories and feelings that I thought I had dealt with. I can feel myself falling back into unhelpful behaviour patterns - feeling vulnerable, out of control, needy, not being able to think straight - and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I feel as if I'm in danger of jeopardising what could be a good relationship, but don't know what to do about it.

I would be interested to hear from others who have been in similar situations - if you've been in an abusive relationship, have you managed to go on to have a successful, healthy relationship? And if so, are you able to offer any advice on how to make it work? Thank you

feeling vulnerable, out of control, needy, not being able to think straight - and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I feel as if I'm in danger of jeopardising what could be a good relationship, but don't know what to do about it

You have to recognise that you being you won't jeopardise a relationship that's good for you. There's no expectation to be lived up to. There are no rules to be followed. There is no 'right' thing to do. Be honest with yourself. When you feel 'out of control', what is it that you need? When you can't think straight, what is it you need? When you feel 'needy', what is it you need?

I realised that if I felt 'needy', I needed to ask my partner for love/affection/contact/reassurance, and I do, and my partner gives me what I need. When I feel 'out of control', I can say so, and take time for myself to settle down, without my partner being upset with me. When I can't think straight, we talk things through until it becomes clearer.

In a healthy relationship, you will realise that what you're currently seeing as 'faults' in yourself aren't 'faults' at all. They've just felt like it so far, because you've been willing to see yourself as faulty, and so you've stayed in relationships that make you feel that way.

You are not faulty, and, as someone said to me, the only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. Your feelings are allowed; all of them. Your partner (if you're compatible), will welcome you as you are, rather than an idealised version of yourself with no insecurities, as you seem to think you should be. You are allowed to be you.

Thank you so much 🙏 You've just made me cry loads. You've articulated perfectly exactly how I feel. I do feel like I'm faulty. I look at my partner, she just seems so secure and stable and to have her life in order and I feel so chaotic in comparison. She says she likes that I'm different to her, but in my head, I'm inferior and feel like I'm not like a normal person. When I talk to her about how I'm feeling, she's brilliant, but I have this feeling in the back of my head that she's soon going to get fed up with me and leave me.

If you don't mind me asking, how much have you told your partner about the abuse you went through? Part of me wants to talk about it, and she's said she wants to understand , but part of me thinks I'd rather not because I'm worried that she'll judge me 🤷‍♀️ I'm annoyed at myself as really thought I'd worked through all this.

I don't believe it's a good idea to share too much about past abuse with new partners - if they are the wrong sort of person they will use it as ammunition and exploit your vulnerabilities.

I think you would be better going back to therapy and talking things through with the therapist, as you negotiate this new relationship. This way you're also not off-loading onto your girlfriend yet have support.

While your gf may seem secure and stable, everyone's got their own shit to deal with, so try not to have her on a pedestal.

how much have you told your partner about the abuse you went through

As much as I wanted to, and you should do the same. You're looking for external validation, as if there are rules you're meant to be following in order to have a relationship, but those rules aren't external; nobody can tell you what you should do, except that you should allow yourself to feel your feelings, and you should behave in a way that respects them.

You're worried that she'll judge you, but what's your goal there? Do you actually want a relationship where you have to keep parts of yourself hidden in order that you can be accepted? If not, you'll need to share everything that you want to share (which isn't necessarily 'everything', full stop), otherwise you won't feel loved even if she loves every single thing she's seen.

I'm annoyed at myself as really thought I'd worked through all this

You could try being a bit nicer to yourself? Being annoyed with yourself isn't very respectful to you. It's impatient, and lacks understanding. Can you not see why, as an abuse victim, you might feel a bit more vulnerable than others might, when entering a new relationship? Do you think that having someone annoyed at you for that is going to help you?

Watchkeys this all makes complete sense. Thank you for helping me look at it from a different perspective. I guess I feel that it was a long time ago so I should be over it by now.

Category12 it's not that I want to download to her. I just feel like I want to tell her everything about me so that she can understand me better. I feel like I'm being dishonest with her if I hide all this- almost like I'm portraying myself as one person, but inside I'm someone else 🤷‍♀️

It's also quite a lot 'though, for a new relationship. And being very open with someone you don't know that well can backfire.

While I broadly agree with Watchkeys about being able to ask a partner for reassurance and so on, I think it's also important to self-soothe and manage your own emotions - it's a kind of balancing act. You need it to be a relationship of equals, not viewing one person as the strong sorted one and the other as, well, not that. That's why I think going back to a therapist or counsellor to help you navigate forwards and defang trigger points might be a good idea.

Category12 that makes a lot of sense, thank you. I don't want a relationship where I feel emotionally dependent. I really would love to have balance and for both is to support each other when we need it. All the time I've been on my own, I've got really good at managing my emotions and self soothing. Meeting her has just thrown me, suddenly my mind and body is flooded with intense feelings and emotions and it's thrown me completely. You've made me realise perhaps we need to slow things down a little and allow myself a bit of time for everything to settle. I think working this through with a therapist is a good idea, so thank you for this suggestion.

@Watchkeys @category12
I just wanted to come back to this thread to thank you again for your advice. I talked to my girlfriend very honestly about how I was feeling and how I wasn't sure how much/what to tell her as I didn't want to dump it all on her. She said she would prefer to hear as much as I felt comfortable to tell her and nothing I could say would shock her (the nature of her job means she's seen it all).

So I told her everything. She listened, without judgment and said that she was pleased I'd told her as it helped her to understand what triggers me, why I have a tendency to get overwhelmed or disassociate, and why I don't drink alcohol (anti depressants), and that she was just sorry I'd had to go through it all. She made me feel so safe and I feel so much more comfortable now she knows (the feeling that she may not want to know if she knew the real me has gone away).

So thank you again, you should both be relationship counsellors

Glad it went well, @Cloudywithsunnyspells . Your partner sounds lovely.

That's good news 😊

That's inspiring - thank you for sharing @Cloudywithsunnyspells

Good question !
i havnt managed it yet to be honest

I let my boundaries slip a bit !

I did however have psychotherapy and I’m a lot clearer on my triggers , and on what triggers me and what to avoid

I’m actually not actively looking right now as I don’t 💯 trust myself to get out there again

to be honest it might be worth having a conversation end discussing this
it’s a same sex relationship after all ! Women tend to do more work on this anyway and should be empathetic

Cloudywithsunnyspells
oops
great wonderful update
🙂

Women tend to do more work on this anyway and should be empathetic

Horrible generalisation here. And RTFT?

Watchkeys

(1) I have RTET - hence my second post ?

(2) it’s a generalisation but not a horrible one . I’m old enough to know that women do tend to the the work 🤷‍♀️

in fact OPs good update made Me smile

a bit of an unnecessarily aggressive comment there , disappointing as often you speak sense

hey ho

a bit of an unnecessarily aggressive comment there , disappointing as often you speak sense

Disappointing? Sorry, Mum.