How to get over a friend hurting you?

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How to forget the the upset a friend caused? I was very close friends with a parent at my daughter's school. We spent about 4 years very close. She always bitched on other mum's, refused to join or help at school activities etc. She also was very open about how she hates living in England (she is foreign but openly says she's an economic migrant but hates England but is only here becausethe English are responsible for her home countries economic problems). My family are from the same country as her but I'm second generation born here with British parents. I found these comments unsettling.

Fast forward she makes a new mum friend which is great. I felt happy she's making new friends. On a group night out, she continued with her racist rants. I called her out on it snd she stormed off. The others present went ostrich about it.

I was so angry and went to see her to apologise for openly calling her out in public and told her why it makes me uncomfortable. She then listed everything I do that upsets her - my clothes, my perceived wealth (I'm not but i don't whinge or discuss finances), how she thinks I'm jealous of her new friendship, how in a group she feels I dominate conversations and get too much attention, how I never complain about my family and that I made her so insecure about her appearance when discussing age creams that she had to get fillers as a result. I just apologised and explained I am neurodiverse and socially I do struggle. We hugged and agreed to put it behind us but I was so hurt. I have withdrawn socially as a result.

Moving forward, we've obviously grown apart. She's totally changed - busy bodying at the school, joined the PTA etc and now is obsessed with her childs education. I speak with her occasionally at school gates etc but every time I see her it hurts. I feel she overstepped the mark with how open she was. I'm also upset she manipulated me by blaming me for her problems and became the victim. Everyone loves her and she has become queen bee at my daughter's school. I have no problem with that but because she shunned me and has really hurt me to the point I don't go out socially as 1) everyone in our friendship group lauds her and by not backing me on calling out her blatant racism and running around after her, I feel sidelined and 2) she made me feel socially unacceptable and has smashed my confidence. I cannot go out with people and have become socially anxious and withdrawn. It's been a year since she hurt me and i see her daily. I cannot get past or shake what she said from my head. I've tried so hard to be friendly and polite and act like nothing has happened but I can't shake it. What can I do?

I'm so so sorry to hear this. Losing a friend is hard.A couple of things stood out in your message:- "She always bitched on other mum's, refused to join or help at school activities etc" - people like this will invariably bitch about you behind your back and also strangely offer excuses why they can't help you."I called her out on it and she stormed off. The others present went ostrich about it. " - people like your friend do not like being called out for their bad behaviours. They are bullies. She stormed off as she couldn't handle it. Rather than taking a moment to absorb what you said, taking it on board, or acknowledging that her comments are upsetting to you much less apologise to you. In fact, I bet she has never ever apologised to you OP about anything. As for the others present - they all sound weak and with no backbone and are scared of her too. "she manipulated me by blaming me for her problems and became the victim. Everyone loves her and she has become queen bee" - Her behaviour sounds like classic narcissistic behaviour. Have you ever heard of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender)? OP Why would you want to surround yourself with people like that?

If I'm honest, I probably wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't have to see her daily. She's on the PTA and always helping in our children's class. The other mum's have nights out as a group with her and I'm not invited. I'm not worried about not going as I don't want to hang around people who are weak and, in my view, consenting to her racist behaviour. What hurts is after all this time, I can't shake the things she said about me. It's really damaged my mental health. Aside from that, my child was diagnosed with ADHD and she was horrified and said it was just classic only child syndrome and poor parenting as I "never complain or tell off my child". Obviously I do but not publicity as it doesn't work with neurodiverse children. I didn't realise I was so monitored and so criticised and the impact it's had on me mentally is quite something.

You need to take responsibility for yourself. You're in charge of you, but you're putting her in charge of how you feel about yourself.

Look into that. Look inwards for the source of this problem. It's not external. There will always be unpleasant people saying unpleasant things. Whether or not you allow yourself to be dragged in is a choice you make.

Where did you learn that what other people thought of you was damaging to you? What was your childhood like? Were you loved and respected for being you, or did you have to supress your feelings?

I had undiagnosed neurodiversity until 40. As a result I've suffered in the workplace and at school for excessive chatting etc and sometimes struggling to keep my counsel which others labelled as naivety, immaturity and over confidence. Anyway, I've always had low self esteem and preferred male company as they're less judgemental in my experience. So yes, I do have some issues. However, I feel it's odd to call someone out for repeated racist remarks after I'd had a few drinks that I'm deemed now the black sheep. I'm also very upset having had my best friend die suddenly last year which has left me feeling very low. But this woman's behaviour has I think magnified this grief. I feel so hurt and ostracised for calling out racism and I'm baffled other people find this behaviour acceptable.