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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to leave but can't get the words out

22 replies

Notfeelingbrave · 27/10/2023 11:09

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain out of this thread. Some clarity? Emotional dump? A hand hold? I don't know.

I've been married for 13 years, together with husband for 20 years (I was 18, he was 21 when we got together). We have 3 children under 13. Our relationship is awful. We have been rocky for years, our sex life is non existent and I'm ready to leave.

Except I can't. I can't get the words out. My reasons for leaving are many, but ultimately I feel a lack of control over my life and like my husband has taken all my autonomy away. He is pretty controlling but I'm not sure it's intentional, more a product of an emotionally abusive parent. I know that's not an excuse, and it's why I want to leave. I am unhappy and I know that that is enough to want to go.

So why can't I get the words out? Husband knows I'm unhappy. He knows I was thinking of leaving last year. He knows that in the last couple of weeks I've become withdrawn and closed off from him. Today he's sent me messages from work saying he's the root cause of everyone's unhappiness and we would all be better off if he wasn't around. I don't know how to respond to this. It feels like he knows he's losing a grip on everything and trying to cling on. And now I'm furious at myself for not coming out with the words earlier.

I know I'm not responsible for his happiness. I know I need to leave for my own happiness. I know this is a toxic environment for my children. But I still can't get the words out. And now it's been made even harder.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 11:14

It sounds like you need to have a gentle talk with him about splitting and work out the practicalities

IncognitoMam · 27/10/2023 11:16

Can he not go? Would you take dcs with you?

MyJam · 27/10/2023 11:21

You’re asking the question of yourself too OP. Sometimes just writing on a forum or in a diary , talking to a therapist, or even talking to yourself can bring clarity. Even if it takes a while. The mind is busy trying to figure things out and heal even when you’re asleep.

dancingsands · 27/10/2023 11:22

Text back saying let's chat when you get home and then tell him tonight

MyJam · 27/10/2023 11:22

The fact that you have written this out suggests the words are coming.

MyJam · 27/10/2023 11:25

Btw, was his comment a suicide threat? Be careful of manipulation if it is. If so that is a very concerning development in trying to control you.

stardust777 · 27/10/2023 11:41

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it sounds very tough.

If the situation is taking a toll on your mental health, would it be worth speaking to someone about it? For example, Mind Infoline for information and signposting.

Original poster
Notfeelingbrave · 27/10/2023 12:22

IncognitoMam · 27/10/2023 11:16

Can he not go? Would you take dcs with you?

I would take dc with me, but we would discuss shared care as I have no intention of splitting them from their father. Practically speaking his work does not currently leave space for school runs etc. so some changes would need to take place but initially I would need to be responsible for school days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelingbrave · 27/10/2023 12:23

MyJam · 27/10/2023 11:21

You’re asking the question of yourself too OP. Sometimes just writing on a forum or in a diary , talking to a therapist, or even talking to yourself can bring clarity. Even if it takes a while. The mind is busy trying to figure things out and heal even when you’re asleep.

Thank you. I feel like I've had all this spinning around for so long now in my head, it really helps just writing it down

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfeelingbrave · 27/10/2023 12:26

MyJam · 27/10/2023 11:25

Btw, was his comment a suicide threat? Be careful of manipulation if it is. If so that is a very concerning development in trying to control you.

I honestly don't know. My gut tells me it's a desperate attempt at manipulating me to stay. I have in the past been suicidal though, I sought help and came out the other side. The way he's casually bringing it up now it just feels like he's pulling at my heart strings so to speak.

OP posts:
pieinthesky10 · 27/10/2023 12:52

Seems like this is your opportunity to say you want to split.

Break it down. Just say

I want to split up....

This is how l see it working....

This is when l will move out/ want you to move out...

They are just words op you are already separate in your heart and head from what you have said.

Specso · 27/10/2023 12:59

Usually the feeling of wanting to split brews for a long time like it has for you. You can often say vague things about not being happy etc but actually having the conversation and saying ‘I want to split up’ really is like pulling a plaster off.

You just need to work up to it, get past the nervous, sick feeling it brings up and just come out with it. I say this from experience because I had to do it and it is horrible but you feel the biggest relief once you’ve said it.

Good luck

marshmallowfinder · 27/10/2023 13:11

I wrote it in a letter for him. It means you can word it very carefully, exactly as you want to put it. Could that be an option?

MirandaPomander · 27/10/2023 13:16

No advice but I'm in a very similar situation. I need to have a difficult conversation and part of me is so so so scared. Almost identical in terms of childcare too, so it's not as simple as "I'm leaving" because I don't want to leave the kids and also I need to be here for practical reasons. I don't want him to go as this is his home but also I want space from him to really figure out if it's better.... I think it would be a relief.

Best of luck and big hugs.

DracunculusVulgaris · 27/10/2023 15:27

I have no advice for you either @Notfeelingbrave, and piggybacking off your thread for guidance myself. I wish I did, it would be a case of "physician, heal thyself" if so. I need to leave a toxic, abusive relationship with a very skilled arch manipulator and alcohol dependant partner, but cannot vocalise it! I am autistic and rehearse conversations in my head, but am unable to put it into the spoken word, so am also considering going down the route of a letter, cowardly though it seems. But I think it is the only way I can articulate my thoughts and feelings without it coming out in a jumbled mess and being turned back on me - " never reveal your pain to one who will melt it down and make bullets from it"

Good luck OP, wishing you all strength, courage and the determination to see this through

IncognitoMam · 27/10/2023 16:05

Sorry you're going through this. I had that conversation and it was the best thing I did.... eventually.
Get as much real life support as possible. And don't let him manipulate you. Sounds like he's starting already.

peenaction · 27/10/2023 16:06

Specso · 27/10/2023 12:59

Usually the feeling of wanting to split brews for a long time like it has for you. You can often say vague things about not being happy etc but actually having the conversation and saying ‘I want to split up’ really is like pulling a plaster off.

You just need to work up to it, get past the nervous, sick feeling it brings up and just come out with it. I say this from experience because I had to do it and it is horrible but you feel the biggest relief once you’ve said it.

Good luck

Same here. I felt as if I had been relieved of a ten-ton rock round my neck once I'd actually said the words out loud.

MirandaPomander · 27/10/2023 16:21

Those of you who have been in this position and managed to have the conversation, what was their reaction? Better or worse than you thought it would be?

peenaction · 27/10/2023 20:21

MirandaPomander · 27/10/2023 16:21

Those of you who have been in this position and managed to have the conversation, what was their reaction? Better or worse than you thought it would be?

Funnily, that's the thing I can't now remember. I can only remember the immense relief of having said it, and waking up the next morning and feeling light.

I know, though, that it didn't come as any surprise to my ex husband, as things had been very bad for a long time. The only difference was that he would have been happy to carry on being unhappily married, mainly because he was the problem.

billy1966 · 27/10/2023 20:32

Abusive men throw suicide about as further controlling manipulation.

Best to call the police and tell them the next time he does this.

It is NOT your responsibility.

Tell the police you are trying to leave a controlling relationship and this is his response.

Please reach out to Women's aid, your GP, friends and family for support.

We are here for you.

billy1966 · 27/10/2023 20:35

DracunculusVulgaris · 27/10/2023 15:27

I have no advice for you either @Notfeelingbrave, and piggybacking off your thread for guidance myself. I wish I did, it would be a case of "physician, heal thyself" if so. I need to leave a toxic, abusive relationship with a very skilled arch manipulator and alcohol dependant partner, but cannot vocalise it! I am autistic and rehearse conversations in my head, but am unable to put it into the spoken word, so am also considering going down the route of a letter, cowardly though it seems. But I think it is the only way I can articulate my thoughts and feelings without it coming out in a jumbled mess and being turned back on me - " never reveal your pain to one who will melt it down and make bullets from it"

Good luck OP, wishing you all strength, courage and the determination to see this through

Best to plan your exit and arrange new housing.

Leave.

Leave a letter for him to read when you are long gone.

You owe him nothing.

Think only of yourself and your safety.

Paperbagsaremine · 27/10/2023 21:01

I know someone who just packed up herself and the kids and went to her mother's. She didn't have much of a plan, or a firm idea about whether she was leaving for good.

She didn't go back through.

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