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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner... family court... dating app

22 replies

DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 09:24

Name change for this as is outing and don't want it linked to my previous posts.

Been through family court with ex for a number of years. Various number of assessments and contact has always remained supervised.. not one professional has suggested contact is to progress. (Significant domestic violence)

My ex has now put forward his new girlfriend as a contact supervisor to move contact forwards..I am opposed to this for a number of reasons.

It now transpires he's online dating! I have found him on two dating apps and recently online.... his profile contains a pack of lies also..

I'm not sure what to do with this information and indeed doubt the veracity of absolutely everything he's told the Court. He is a classic textbook narcissist that lies and believes his own lies!

I'm sat on this information currently and not sure what to do other than inform my solicitor but she is not the greatest at replying quickly.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 27/10/2023 14:45

I would inform your solicitor about the dating app usage. I mean, it's a bit odd, but presumably what you're saying is that ex has put forward his new girlfriend as a contact supervisor, but his dating app usage seems to imply that it is quite a casual/temporary relationship if he is still dating around. This means she is unsuitable as a contact supervisor as he could have a new girlfriend tomorrow. He needs to suggest someone who is a more stable presence in his life. Content of the dating profile is irrelevant and would just sound a bit petty. Your solicitor would be best place to advise you about how this argument would land in court.

That said, I can't imagine anything less attractive to a woman in the early throes of dating with a new guy than to have to supervise his contact with his children because he is too much of a loser to safely see them on his own and has no one else in his life who he could count on to support him as a parent. He does not come across as a prize here, and I wouldn't be too shocked if she was already running for the hills.

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 14:55

Thank you.. that's very helpful.
Do you suggest I let the next professional know about it too.. this next professional we're due to speak to will be assessing the suitability of his partner supervising contact..

OP posts:
NameChangeToInfinity · 27/10/2023 18:47

I think you should definitely let the next professional know. It is not in your sons best interests to spend time round a casual partner. OR if they are serious, he clearly isn't if he's on dating apps!

I can't actually believe they would even consider the partner of a domestic abuser. God knows what's going on behind closed doors or what your son may witness.

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 19:15

Would anyone take this genuinely seriously though? So far he's got away with quite a lot. He's only maintained supervised for so long as there was physical evidence of his abuse towards DD. You literally couldn't deny it.

OP posts:
NameChangeToInfinity · 27/10/2023 20:29

DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 19:15

Would anyone take this genuinely seriously though? So far he's got away with quite a lot. He's only maintained supervised for so long as there was physical evidence of his abuse towards DD. You literally couldn't deny it.

The problem with family court is it all just 'depends' on who it is you are dealing with. I would absolutely raise your concerns and while you already know this, making sure everything you say is ONLY about your DD best interests as there is a high chance he will get his solicitor to argue you are just jealous of his new relationship. He won't be able to deny the dating apps though (well, he could pretend his photos have been used without his knowledge but I seriously doubt that would be believed!) and that shows it is not an established/committed relationship.

TickingKey46 · 27/10/2023 20:45

How long has he been with this girlfriend? Even with out the internet dating having his girlfriend potentially supervise contact appears very flimsy. Is she really going to be able to safeguard the child if needs be? I suspect not. Who supervised contact before? I'm guessing things have been going well so they are trying the girlfriend as a step down?

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 21:09

TickingKey46 · 27/10/2023 20:45

How long has he been with this girlfriend? Even with out the internet dating having his girlfriend potentially supervise contact appears very flimsy. Is she really going to be able to safeguard the child if needs be? I suspect not. Who supervised contact before? I'm guessing things have been going well so they are trying the girlfriend as a step down?

He has had supervised contact in a contact centre only. He's never had unsupervised. He is the one who has put forward his partner to supervise. I would imagine she's either dumped him, he's made the whole thing up about being in a relationship or its just someone he's seeing casually and he hasn't even asked her about contact supervising.

Contact largely goes well but he does say some very inappropriate things to DD in contact to the effect that once he gets unsupervised he will totally destroy my relationship with her I imagine.

He said they've been together for just under a year.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 27/10/2023 21:22

I suspect the social worker assessing the girlfriend will see how much she truly knows about what's been goin on! That could be his first hurdle.
What's his reasons for wanting his girlfriend to supervise rather than the contact centre?

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 21:41

TickingKey46 · 27/10/2023 21:22

I suspect the social worker assessing the girlfriend will see how much she truly knows about what's been goin on! That could be his first hurdle.
What's his reasons for wanting his girlfriend to supervise rather than the contact centre?

I can only presume to move contact forwards.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 27/10/2023 21:46

If a clares law request was made to the police - would they have significant concerns that they’d have to approach her with about her lovely new boyfriend?

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 27/10/2023 21:54

TheCatterall · 27/10/2023 21:46

If a clares law request was made to the police - would they have significant concerns that they’d have to approach her with about her lovely new boyfriend?

The trouble is I don't know where he's now living. I also was told unless I knew his partners name police and children's services can't do a thing

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 27/10/2023 22:08

Surely the supervisor for this needs to be someone independent and a gf is not that person? Id just focus on the fact this is a newish relationship and not an independent person and therefore is not a suitable supervisor.
He'll just argue dating apps are old profiles so don't bother with that.

Zanatdy · 27/10/2023 22:16

Surely they’d never allow that, especially given the background of domestic violence. Definitely pass this to the court

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 28/10/2023 07:31

Zanatdy · 27/10/2023 22:16

Surely they’d never allow that, especially given the background of domestic violence. Definitely pass this to the court

I would sincerely hope so too.

OP posts:
JamJitters · 28/10/2023 12:42

If there’s a way of screenshotting it to show its “live and current” I would. Legally, it may be inadmissible but there’s no harm in having a record of it in case it comes to that and your solicitor says it is admissible. It also shows his deceptive character to the court.

JamJitters · 28/10/2023 13:13

I meant live and active

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 28/10/2023 13:25

Surely the court should pay some attention if he's claiming to be in a committed relationship yet is now online dating.

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 28/10/2023 19:34

DarkModeWarrior · 28/10/2023 13:25

Surely the court should pay some attention if he's claiming to be in a committed relationship yet is now online dating.

It will.be hard to prove he's currently online dating. He can just argue it's an old profile that he never deleted. Getting a court order to force him to disclose his activity on it would be quite a PITA.

I don't think this is the strongest argument you have ... so don't focus on that unless you have concrete evidence he's actively using it

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 28/10/2023 19:47

I do.. I have screenshots of his profile that show he's online and are date stamped. You can also see when he's recently been online on this particular app.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 29/10/2023 17:53

Bumping

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 29/10/2023 18:30

OP not sure what you are trying to get from the thread. Yes your ex is horrible and probably lying to the gf. But the point is simply that she's not a suitable supervisor regardless. Your solicitor should advise how to object to this and what rights you have. He sounds like a low life but I don't know that it is illegal to be on a dating app! So he is technically entitled to be dating even if he has a gf, not much you can do

Original poster
DarkModeWarrior · 30/10/2023 14:56

I don't particularly want anything other than to know if the court would care to know that despite putting his partner forward for contact supervision that he's on various dating apps and is recently active. Take away his partner, I dont give a stuff what he does.. but it doesn't scream to me he's in a committed relationship with someone who would be objective and that our daughter would be safe in that environment.

OP posts:
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