AIBU to want more input?

[ginmum]

I need your help to sense check how I'm feeling. I've been with OH 15 years. He is caring and consistent. We both work hard and have been successful in building good careers with a good income. Mostly I feel very lucky. But on a bad day I feel a huge sense of unfairness about the management load of our lives, which I carry. OH is always very supportive but doesn't lead on anything. This includes social arrangements, holidays and all things home related. We've achieved a lot together, including buying and renovating a house, but I am always the driver. I don't want to feel this way but I sometimes resent how much he benefits from this dynamic from the comfortable position as the passenger. We've talked about this, amicably, several times, which leads to a small change for a short period. It's just who he is and I don't feel I have the right to keep trying to change that, but it's draining. I'd love for him to sometimes bring the energy, the ideas etc, even just voluntarily getting up before me some mornings and cracking on with the day.

It’s crazy that you need a cards and a game for men to ‘realise’ how much is involved in day to day living….

I’ve been in my very happy marriage for 9 years now with my usually very proactive DH, but in the last year he has started to do less and less, gets grumpy when I ask for help, will rush off to help others move house/clear their garage, leaving me at home to do everything. I do all the appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. All the finances. Remind him to take meds. Cook every meal. We both work 50 hour weeks.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be my fault they end up like this, as my exH was the laziest most useless turd going.

Weve had our first ever argument this weekend as yet again, I’m begging for help with the house as we have our landlord visit next week, and he’s rushing off to help a mate move house. I just can’t take it any more. He’s told me I’m always grumpy and moaning(the usual response 🙄).

I could have written this myself, as could ALL of my girlfriends. I think it’s a combination of laziness and men generally thinking they are not bothered if the day to day life admin is done or not. I work full time, as does my husband, both earn reasonable money (I earn more) but I’ve always managed our finances, holidays, social and the majority of the kids stuff. We’ve talked and argued about a fairer division of this type of Labour before but it goes in one ear and out the other. After 25 years we rarely argue about it now but it means that all holidays are the ones I want to go on (he’s like ‘whatever’), all the bills are paid and now the kids are young adults that stress has gone from that side of things. We employ a cleaner, a gardener and an ironer so that gives me every weekend free to plan enjoyable events and things that I want to do. My DH is relaxed about this, whether it’s events which include him or events I plan for myself and my friends only. I leave anything to do with his car, his clothes washing, shopping etc and his family (presents, get together etc) to him to sort. If he can’t be bothered to organise then that’s on him. If he really wants to do something/go somewhere I tell him to organise it himself / and he does! But only if it’s his idea will he do so. He’s very laid back and we have a good life together and get on well so I’ve learned to live with it tbh. It also means I get what I want most of the time so every cloud!

Hashbrownandbeans he's gaslighting you. He has no counter argument, so he turns to name calling. You really need to have a proper chat with him about how much he actually respects you.

This is my life too. My husband has a great job and doesn’t need any encouragement in that department but in life in general I have to nag him about EVERYTHING! He admits he is lazy. His natural default is to head to the sofa to watch football. It’s infuriating somedays. He never organises anything and if it wasn’t for me I’m pretty sure he’d never leave the house. Unless it was for work or something sport related.
That said, I am a leader. I like to be in charge and make all the decisions. I would hate for him to decide where we go on holidays or what we’re having for dinner because I guarantee I wouldn’t like it 🤣 I just wish he’d decide it’s time to clean the bathroom sometimes 😂

I entered this marriage thinking we were a team and we would be working in partnership.

I don’t want to be the leader. Nor do I want DH to be the leader.
Id want us to work TOGETHER.

i feel crap tbh. Why does it always have to be a you or I decide/take responsibility but not WE??

I had a similar dynamic and spoke to my DH about mental load. There’s a great cartoon explainer out there somewhere. He now does a lot of the mental heavy lifting - it’s not ‘who someone is’. They just need to make a decision to change and then make a routine.

This is our relationship too. I think with us part of the reason is that I am (by a long way) the main breadwinner; following a frank discussion I know that part of his heel-dragging with buying or booking things is that he can’t afford it and doesn’t like to ask me for money. But that’s only part of it- he hardly ever makes suggestions about things. So I just have to say “book such-and-such and use my card”. On the one hand at least he’s happy with life and doesn’t want or need much, but a bit more dynamism wouldn’t go amiss! He does do most of the housework and DIY type stuff though, and on the whole I don’t have to ask. I used to be married to someone who liked to take charge of everything but he was an alpha arsehole! So on balance I’ll stick with this one!

Op. I have this too. My hubby can't even decide on tea let alone anything else. I have felt the strain many times over the years. Had some very calm and others not as calm conversations. We are still very much together after 25 years. I just think as a rule they detatch themselves from organising anything to do with house/ family. Most of the time I can roll with it but sometimes I'd just like him to help, life throws curve balls now and again and I found it hard dealing with them on my own, but I suppose it's better than being married to an arse that cheats or treats me like crap. In other ways I very much have a " good 'un"

Jeez. I divorced one of those.
Its not the reason we split but it had bearing! The thing that's most draining is the absolute lack of appreciation and then the expectation that I'll just do it. Putting together furniture was something I also did as he was shit at that too.
Every god damn thing that every required any type of 'booking' or 'planning' was done solely by me. The resentment never went. It actually pisses me off thinking about it!

In contrast my DP now just gets shit done. Lived with exh for 3 years and he didn't put a single screw/nail in the wall for shelves/photos/mirror art etc. So our walls were bare even after dd was born. It was pretty fucking weird.

Now, soon as we moved into our new home, DP did all the curtain poles, paint, hanging up of artwork/mirrors/shelving. Putting together all the furniture etc, setting up wifi/sky/landline. He speaks to the utility companies, has booked about 80% of upcoming ticketed events we go to, he booked our holiday which was jaw dropping because I haven't EVER been away for even a weekend anywhere that I haven't booked myself in the last 15 years until I met him.
This sounds basic and mundane but when you're used to doing all this shit alone your adult life, and i mean ALL of it, someone actually getting it done without asking is shocking and an absolute fucking pleasure.

I'm not saying LTB and trade up lol but from experience this behaviour will never EVER change. No mayger what the circumstances because funnily enough my exh called me only today to help him renew his driving licence. We split nearly 5 years ago🤣. He's in his early 40s FGS🤣

Yup this is oh so familiar. DH sees it that he has to spend his working life being a leader and all that entails so he should be able to switch off from everything at home. You're not alone x