I need to know

[ihaveanopinion1]

So I had a long distance relationship with a guy for the last 5 years and it has been on and off for various reasons over that time. We work in the same industry so occasionally we are in the same location and know the same people etc.

Anyway to cut a long story short this past year he's pulled away from me a lot. Giving the excuse he needs to focus on his career etc so we've broken things off. There has been a woman working with him that I've heard on the grapevine has been spending a lot of private time with him. I actually know this woman, she's met me for coffee a couple of times this past year and knew we were together. She's never said a thing to me about him. Then last week I heard from a friend that there have been rumours circling they've been sleeping together at work.

I'm now meeting her for a "coffee and catch up" this weekend but I want to get the truth out of her without coming out directly and saying it. Need to know enough just to confirm my suspicions as I've asked my ex and I feel like he's lying through his back teeth. Any ideas of what I can ask without directly accusing her of cheating with him behind my back? If it's not true I don't want to lose the friendship there as it'll be awkward working together in the future.

Thanks in advance!

With the kindest possible sentiment op...

If a man was 'long distance' with ne for 5 years I'd assume he wasn't serious about me. That it was just fun.

Are you sure you can even hold it against him if he is sering someone else?

...and he's you ex now?
Then...it's not your business.
Don't ask her. She will say to him and you'll look like a crazy ex.

Maybe he was seeing her on your 'breaks'.
If he was cheating, you'd be wise to let it go, along with him.

I'm really not clear though, rereading your post, and it doesn't sound like you are either - is he your ex or not? Hell maybe he's not even sure.

Because you say he's pulling away but also call him an ex. Which is it? It sounds like it's vern over for a year and you know it but he just never SAID it so you think he's 'cheating'

He's not cheating with her if he broke things off with you.

Just say to her something like "I hear you're seeing xx, is that right? I'm OK with it if it is".

It sounds like you have been broken up for a year, so I don’t see how anything has been behind your back. It sounds like it was a waste of both of your times anyway. I’d just move on, maybe ask her but only to let her know that you are ok with it (assuming you are, otherwise I would probably not meet her).

I'd ring her and cancel tbh. Be really warm about it. Hopefully she'll share what you need to hear to move on from this guy.

Sorry should have made that clear. We only broke it off a month ago so they both would have gone behind my back.

It's not him I'm bothered about really, I just don't want to be friends with someone who has done me dirty! But obviously I need to know for sure before I cut her out of my life.

Maybe she had no idea you two we together. Maybe he told her you'd both split up
She might even have questions for you, hense wanting to meet for coffee.

I'd just casually go (when discussing what's new) 'yeah so my boyfriend and i split up (you know Daniel pearson) last month so it's weird to be totally single after 5 years'. And observe her expression. It'll tell you everything you need to kno.

I mean either that or just 'hey so maybe we should call off coffee. I hear you and John are seeing eachother (John Smith that I was dating until last month) so I think to wouldn't really be appropriate to get pally. I wouldn't want a new partner of mine hanging out eith an ex... ... '
And see what she says.

She could be one of those weird sort who chases other womens partners because she likes the ego stroke of 'winning' them.

I mean unless she wants to meet you to ask you about him as she thinks he's been lying to her OR the rumours you've heard are not true about them...that's the only reason she could want to meet you. Because if she is seeing him she's obviously not your friend.

It could be a gloating sorta thing because she's a creepy dickhead. If so, steal the wind out of her sales by making it seem like you're relieved to be out of it. Nothing sucks the malignant joy out of people like that faster than thinking what they've 'won' was actually something you were trying to get rid of.

*sails