NC with my mum and she turns up on my DC's birthday

[FightingtheFOG]

I haven't seen my DM in about 6 months as she returned to drinking after almost a year of sobriety. I'd spent years trying to help her and couldn't have a low functioning alcoholic back in my DC's lives. She's intolerable when drunk. The stress was ridiculous.

I was going through some scary health stuff at the time and she didn't bother to check in on me once, I could've been dead for all she knew, so I left her to it and and didn't bother to check on her either; A mutual NC if you will. I also went NC with and blocked a relative she is close to as they come as a package.

It's my youngests 2nd birthday today. My buzzer rang an hour ago and it was DM, half cut. I asked DH to go and get rid of her as I'm recovering from surgery and don't need the stress. She came baring two gift bags with cards and presents from her and my other relative. She insisted DH take them and left without causing a fuss.

I know what it is, hoovering, but of course now all of the buried "FOG" feelings have come to the surface and I feel a mixture of things;

Pity
Sadness
Frustration
Anger

What would you do now? I can't have a relationship with her when she's like this, I just can't. Should I do the polite thing and acknowledge the presents with a call/text or is that just asking for trouble?

Do not acknowledge these items in any way shape or form. This is a response and a response from you is what she wants. It also invites further communication and that door should remain closed.

Give all those items to a charity shop, do not give these things any more power. Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings, and these are loaded with a whole heap of obligation attached to them.

No, don't acknowledge them, whatever you do. That's just opening up a channel of communication.

I'm so sorry your mum is like that - it must be really tough on you.

Donate them to charity

Another immediate “no”.

Focus on keeping yourself safe and looking after yourself 💐

You're all right. Thank you. I very nearly caved and sent a thank you text. I know I would've regretted it. Exactly as you said PP these come with heaps of strings attached.

DS doesn't need anything from these people, he barely knows his grandma and the other relative he doesn't know at all.

Every bit of this.

Get rid and stay strong.

Well done OP.

Hope you recover well and quickly.

100% donate gifts to charity (Salvation Army Xmas Appeal?), DO NOT CONTACT HER

Definitely do not contact nor acknowledge. Personally I would keep one or two items for ds and donate the rest. Then a) if you are ever bump into her and she demands to know where they are you can honestly simply say ds was happy with them and b) if ds asks in future why he doesn't see his nana you can say that she was poorly - true - but she did think of him and send presents like the blue truck, or whatever.

You don't have to keep any, but do whatever makes it easier for you to detach, grey rock and keep on keeping on.

Exactly this. This is why I’m so grateful my mum lives in another country and doesn’t even know our address. She does send me a message every Christmas to tell me she bought my dc presents and will put them away with all the others. Boo hoo! It’s all crocodile tears. She didn’t care about them when she was facilitating a known paedophile’s contact with them.

The less you give in, the easier it gets because you release the power she has over you. My therapist said it’s only a game when there’s two players; don’t play the game. And that’s really good advice.

I had a similar situation unfortunately. No contact but as my kids got older she would try to run into them on their way home from school and give them things behind my back. These abusive people have no boundaries and will move on from you and aim for your children. This is a warning to you.

I would drop it back on her doorstep with a note stating very clearly that you don’t want her contacting you or your family in any shape or form. Or even better, post via registered mail so you know she has it.