Husband with AUDHD/mental health

[Lilah84]

Hello all,

I don't know what to do 😭

My husband has very recently been diagnosed with autism and inattentive ADHD. He has struggled for years with his mental health too, severe depression, anxiety and many years ago self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Since being diagnosed as AUDHD its like all masks have fallen away and he's embraced the diagnosis to the point he's awful to live with. He's different to who I married 15 years ago. Whilst I'm glad he's had a diagnosis and I hope that he will be able to get some true help with his diagnosis and MH I'm not sure I can deal with this, (I feel awful saying that).

He's down, doesn't want to go out, when he comes home from work the whole mood of the house changes it's like a darkness creeps in, I think even my 4 and 6 year old can sense it. He's on anti-depressants already has been for years. I can cope with down periods I'm use to that through our marriage but now it's like he's let the nuerodiverse part of him take over, he blames all actions on his AUDHD, he doesn't want to socialise as he says he can't, this has brought my friendship circle to essential 2 work friends who barely talk to me (I used to be really social and I'm now incredibly lonely and feeling isolated). He is obsessive on certain things e.g finances (I can't talk to him about this), I want to book a holiday next year he doesn't want to go, when I suggested I book and go alone he doesn't want to help me pay, we need a new car as he refuses to drive/pass his test he won't contribute to that. His earnings are more than double mine, I've tried to get him interested in Christmas but he doesn't want to know I've bought and done everything so far. Other than the mortgage, I pay for everything else leaving very little left at the end of the month.

He acknowledged last night that I do the majority of running this family, shopping, cleaning, organising etc but he says he can't cope with doing it, he can only cope with his work, I work full time too in a demanding managerial role. My grandmother also has terminal cancer (she will pass within the next month or so) so I'm trying to sort this too. I'm scared of asking him to do anything as I'm scared of breaking him, one of my biggest anxieties is that one day he will commit suicide.

I love my husband, I really do, he is my best friend but at the moment I'm struggling to live with him, and that breaks my heart. I can feel my own mental health suffering, I've been having panic attacks and put on some meds to help (he doesn't know).

I don't even know what the point of this thread is, I've got no one to talk to and I think I just wanted someone to say I've heard you.

Thanks if you made it this far.....

Yes, I read this, and it sounds incredibly tough, taking all the demands on you together and all you are doing (work, kids, running a home, supporting your husband and grandma etc). I don’t know what to say really other than this and that l hope you find some support and a way through.

Is he burnt out and in need of temporary support so he can reset, or is he trying to establish new boundaries now that he feels more justified in doing so?

The former might mean that he just can't do more right now (but if given enough space, should be able to in the medium-term future), but in the case of the latter, his new boundaries still have to work with those of everyone else he impacts on and shouldn't become an excuse for being an arse with no comeback!
For example, if he can't pull his weight with household tasks then he should pay for a cleaner from his own money (or you should both give up most cleaning chores and pay jointly for one). If he doesn't want to socialise in most circumstances, fine, but he doesn't get to prevent you going out - if he gets to suit his own needs in the majority of cases, so do you.
Also, occasionally if it is important to you, he might need to step out of his comfort zone briefly and come with you to an event (etc) - just as you might need to do parts of the Christmas organising alone if it is really only you that wants those things to be part of the season.

I'm not sure that the general family finances issues are the same problem, though - it looks as if you could do with revisiting how your family money works as a couple so that you both get to meet your priorities e.g.: if your household needs a car to transport the joint children, he can't say that because he never rides himself he gets to opt out of contributing to that. If he says that you need to pay for holidays for yourself from your own money, then you both need to arrange the finances so that you each get enough personal money to do things like that - and that children's holiday costs are met jointly, not just by you, even if he choses not to come with you all. etc.

Finally, if you are having a temporary situation of additional stress/reduced capacity (such as processing your grandmother's illness), you should also be extended the same amount of sympathy and support for this period as he would expect, however that looks between the two of you (e.g.: whether it be practical tasks, emotional cheerleading, someone to vent to, etc - if he isn't comfortable with one of these, he can try another!).

I think this is a bullshit response from him. It's like he has given up now he has a diagnosis and is using it to cop out of parenting & family life.

Not ok! I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out, he will have to mange his own life then and have the children and pay maintaince.

For context I have ADHD too and I understand how difficult it can make things but my diagnosis gave me the impetus to find solutions to the problems I was facing.

By the way the disparity in finances is borderline abusive so I would start there. Your either a family, with full access to money & joint decision making or your not.

Sorry you are having a tough time and sad for your grandma. You need some support from him it can't just be all about his wants & needs, you matter too!

Can he get meds for his ADHD? He needs to understand that if he's only being the main provider, he needs to pay for the car/holiday/Christmas etc.

I have a grown son with suspected ADHD/ASD. He is very much an “I can only do one thing” person. So whilst he manages to work - just about - nearly everything else is too much and doesn’t get done. He collapses after work into doing nothing for hours, doesn’t keep medical appointments, or plan anything in advance. Very difficult to live with and I don’t know how you do it. Make sure to put yourself first in this situation, is my only advice. Do what’s right for you to make your life better, with or without him.

Getting a diagnosis like that, even when you know you are autistic/adhd, is a shock to the system. It’s been confirmed.
I found that at the time it was impossible to be who I thought I was supposed to be, the person I was pre-diagnosis. I had about a year of picking through my life, feeling very weird about things and not knowing how I was supposed to behave because the way I behaved was based on thinking I was shit for struggling, and trying to hide who I really was.

Whatever he’s going through you need to be ok and happy. Do whatever is right for you.

If you feel you can stick it out you’ll probably find that things start to go back to some sort of normal after a while, but again, if this isn’t working for you you need to put yourself first.

I think he is burnout or heading that way at the very least. Thank you for you insight I'll try to do this but I'll so scared of putting anything extra on him and breaking him. He's changed so much and I miss my husband.
I know so little about AUDHD and burn outs how does he get better? How do I get my husband back? X

Thanks lovely, I feel so frustrated with him at times. I feel he got this diagnosis then it was like this is me and you'll have to accept it. I always suspected autism but not ADHD and not for him to be who he is once he got the diagnosis. I guess I never realised how much he masked which is sad, not for me now but for all these years he's held it together and masked.
I think at the moment I'm so scared of making him worse and him spiralling, like I said in my post my biggest anxiety is that he will commit suicide and this stops me putting anything further on him. X

Without him makes me heart ache, I do truly love him, I have made my marriage vows in sickness and in health but part of me does wonder if it will be easier without him. But I don't really want to leave him, he's my husband and my best friend but I feel I've lost him into nuerodiversity.

Thank you for sharing your experience, like I said this is all very new, suspected for a long time but new diagnosis.
I think we are both a little lost x

He is audhd,he needs ro know he is not incapable. Yes , he absolutely must not feel he has to mask again..he needs acceptance and support.
However, it is essential that he provides you with a cleaner for the share he cannot do and that he pays for it.
It is also vital he is told that its okay to be audhd but not okay to be selfish so he can snap out of that one. He needs to help pay for his childrens holiday..

His diagnosis is something he's had his whole life. So its not the cause of how he is now. I mean...its irrelevant.

He is using it as an excuse. At best - to be unwilling to seek further help for his depression. At worst...to continue to abuse you. Yes. Abuse. You are walking on egg shells, unable to live your life for fear he might kill himself. He knows this.

So either he doesn't care because he's too depressed and using his new diagnosis as an excuse to do nothing even though he knows he's destroying his family. Or...he likes being miserable! Because it keeps YOU miserable.

Either way the person you loved is not there. At least, not anymore.

Don't let your children's lives be destroyed by staying with this man. Living around a depressed person is actually really... catchy. You will get sick and so will your kids. If he was willing to seek help then that would be one thing. But...he's not interested in changing.

You have to take a leaf out of his book and stop fighting. You have kids to think of afterall. Get them out of there.

I am audhd.
Its extremely tough and when i burn out, ususlly by seeing too many people in one day.
It is a great thing that he is unmasking as masking increases depression and suicidal thoughts.
He needs to accept that he is still living in a society built on the neurotypical world, so he needs to find his own ways to do certain things such as when i know my husband has a busy day coming up..i will withdraw as much as from the world for the days leading up to it, he needs to find what his favourite interests are that calm him and recharge ..mine is watching true crime..it boosts my energy bank..but he has have time set, around both your lifestyle to withdraw from people ..this is essential to avoid a complete shut down within him

Sending you hugs - my DH had a diagnosis of ADHD and then we were both left without support, but your DH is much more depressed and it sounds like some of his behaviour tips over into unacceptable.You have to put yourself and the children first.

Someone shared this with me recently:
www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

If any of that information resonates, you will get support for yourself by following the Mumsnet web links at the top of this thread - it doesn't mean your have to break up your marriage, but it will give you a non-judgemental listening ear from someone who's trained.

Whatever his diagnosis is, it doesn't mean he can be financially abusive and opt out of being a parent and husband.

No, l don’t think this is right. He’s masked all his life. His official diagnosis enabled him to remove the mask. So now he’s probably in severe burnout.

My 17 year old Dd is in ASD burnout. She’s too exhausted to do anything. And it keeps getting worse. Started in April. It’s distressing and horrible to live with. But she’s ill and she’s disabled. She can’t even make a sandwich. And she’s 17. He must have masked for a lot longer.

The main way to recover from autistic burnout is to remove/reduce the big stressors that were too much in the first place (often this includes masking for extended periods), and reduce 'demands' (as in, schedule fewer things, lower expectations and standards for a bit).

However! This does not mean "you can't ask him or expect him to do anything". It might mean that e.g.: you take the children to visit grandparents while he stays at home for a break (avoiding children noise/responsibility, socialising outside the home etc for a while) - but during that time he either relaxes so that he can take over childcare for a set period on your return, or he has a bit of a break and then gets on with something useful to the family for a bit, in a way that is relatively low-stress for him - loading the dishwasher with a podcast on, going down an internet rabbit hole of research on something large that needs buying for the house to make an informed choice on which model to get so that you don't have to do it, pressing "buy again" on the weekly online grocery shop, etc.

Unless he is so depressed that he is literally becoming bed-bound (at which stage you are thinking more about medical care for the life-limiting illness) you ideally don't want him to entirely drop the expectation that he will contribute, even if only to the level he can manage, or it will be much harder to get back from there - and that in itself might damage his self-esteem.