My mum

[Traybo2]

Hi. I used to be really close with my mum. When she was younger she never had a close relationship with her mum, her mum didn't speak to her for years when she got married as she didn't like my dad. So I never really knew my gran to much. As I say I was so close to my mum, I'd say until I was around 26 ish, I'm now 39.
Around 6 years ago my grandad took ill and passed away. My mum then made up with her mum, as my dad passed when I was 27, and my mum knew how her mum would feel. So anyway, they rekindled that relationship etc and my gran seems a nicer person to my mum thesedays. I get why my mum chose to do that. I still don't have a relationship with my gran though.

What I have noticed with my mum though is she just used to be to amazingly close with me and my eldest son and my youngest too, for a while until she made up with her mum. Now she just doesn't bother with us at all. I always have to contact her first, see if she's OK. She never calls or messages me to ask how me or the kids are. She never visits us at our house, we have to go to her although she can get here easily.
But what I find really hurtful is she doesnt treat my brother and his kids this way. She goes to see him at the weekend on the way back from shopping some weeks, and she travels about 15 miles with him to go see his adult daughter and her kids.
I'm feeling abit frustrated as I asked her over for a Chinese this weekend as its her birthday, she loves Chinese but rarely has one. Her response was can we do Friday as I'm trying to keep Saturday free, as I might pop over to see her adult grandaughter with my brother on Saturday, then she went on to say no arrangements had been made or spoken about for this Saturday, but that she wanted to keep it free as its the only time she gets to see her.
So I replied I can do Friday yes, just depends if she wants to catch my son as he isn't usually around in that day. He always says that she just dropped him out she never bothers with him, and she was the one who was closest to him as a younger child, he's 18 next month and I know she won't come to see him, she will text me to collect his card when he isn't around, but she would still make the effort to go see my brothers kids to give them a card in person, it's really getting my gripe to be honest.
I know I probably sound jealous but it hurts me and my kids that she just seems to have dropped us out, and we were the ones there for her all the years after my dad's passing.
I'm also the first person she calls when she has an accident and needs taking somewhere, she never calls my brother and I'm always there when she does at the drop of a hat, and I always would be, but I only hear from her when she can't do something herself and needs me not actually wants to spend anytime with me or the kids. I'm considering just cutting her off altogether to be honest, as its been happening for 6 years now.

Try not to feel jealous - she probably doesn't see what she's doing - she clearly relies on you to just always be there and be amenable - it doesn't mean she loves you any the less, but she is taking you for granted, yes. Can you say to her "mum I feel you're taking me for granted - I've offered you a nice takeaway for your birthday but it feels like you're putting me in second place while you wait for my brother, on off chance, to offer something, which it feels like you'd prefer - am I reading it right?". She'll probably get all huffy with you but it might hit home.

It’s so hard to say why this might be happening, but I suspect (like you probably do) that it’s something to do with her relationship with her mum. Sometimes when we don’t know what to do with our feelings in a relationship, the easiest thing to do is to project them onto a mirrored relationship in our lives.

So for example, I have no relationship with my mum and when we were in the middle of it all and our relationship breaking down (due to her partner being a convicted child sexual abuser amongst other things), I found it really hard to maintain a happy normal relationship with my own daughter (who is a preteen, so a child, obviously completely blameless in all of this).

It was just those feelings came up and there was no healthy outlet for them and seeing my child who was so fortunate to have a happy family and two parents who loved her (I was abandoned by my dad, and then obviously eventually by my mum too), I think I just sort of felt like, why not me? As silly as that sounds! So every little aggravating tantrum made me feel like, you annoy me so much right now, but I’d never abandon you, why didn’t my parents love me enough? It was like those relationship dynamics were repeating themselves and I pushed her away because it was too painful.

Now who’s to say what’s happening with your mum, but it does sound a bit like projecting. She can’t reject her mum or tell her how she really feels because she might disappear again, but you are a safe target, so she pushes you away instead.

Whatever it is, I’m sorry, it must be really painful. Ultimately, you have to protect yourself first. Have you ever called her out on it? Said her behaviour has changed, asked why? It might be something to consider if it opens up a conversation to talk about her relationship with her mum.

I mean I really should say that considering she hasn't seen my eldest child since April last year, and she has seen her elder granddaughter much more recently, but it's just not my nature, I don't like conflict and particularly don't like to be the cause of it, and I feel that may make it worse

I have tried in the past, her excuse is she doesnt drive, but the bus stops right outside her house, and it's a direct stop on to my street, the shortest of walks. Yet she can go shopping with her mum on the weekends and stop off at my brothers near his stop. Just irritates me so much. I also offer to per her up and take her back when she comes to mine anyway. I feel like she is putting her great grandkids above her actual grandkids.its madness to me. But totally get what you mean. When my dad passed away, it was really sudden and unexpected, my son was unwell and throwing up that day, and he was only 6 so I couldn't leave the house to check of my dad was OK, it wasn't my sons fault, it wasn't anybody fault, but for the shortest time I really struggled with the fact I wasn't able to go see my dad to check on him, as I never knew if I could of saved him. He had an embolism and died with no warning. So I can get what you mean

I would make myself less available, you are doing all the running, she knows you are there as back up if nothing better presents itself.
It is not nice being dumped and playing 2nd fiddle. Take a step back. It's her shitty behavior but you don't have to accept it. You saw her through a hard time which you did because you are a good person and a good daughter, unfortunately caring for someone is not quid pro quo, for whatever reason you are now low on her priority list, spend time with people who value you and don't keep you hanging. Waiting for crumbs of her attention will eat away at you. My mum plays favourites, I no longer play the pick me dance, it's very liberating and I am much happier.

Don't feel embarrassed about looking jealous because it's natural! I too would feel like you are feeling now. Best advice I can give you is to firmly and politely decline any invitations unless you want to go out with her of course. You don't want to be accused of preventing them from having a relationship with their father. They should work it all out for themselves but sadly this is once upon a time fairyland so if this happens it's rare(!). What happened to me was that we were having a lot of people round for a celebration as I think of sleep as a part of you that should never be turned off. If anyone was lucky enough to see it, I realise that we're sooo lucky to have found each other as l have had the Worst luck in the world when it comes down to relationships as I'll do anything to avoid splitting up with a partner!