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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling to get over this

25 replies

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 08:38

I am looking for opinions but be kind 😌. 15 yrs ago I moved cross state (US) to make a home with my then partner of 2 yrs transferring my work with me (financial/corporate state).

I fell pregnant within the first year of us living together, which was planned and had DD. The cracks of his personality started to show. He denied me any money, refused to cooperate as a couple to support myself whilst taking 5 months off work and DD whilst not working so I used my savings, my pick up truck gave up working and he would not help me get this fixed. I tried to speak about this at the time to him but he did not feel there was a problem and that funding myself was my responsibility. I had savings so not a problem but we had just had a DC which we both I must add desperately wanted. Fast forward 2 years things got a little better and I talked about having another DC together, he refused and I found out he had a vasectomy.

So, yes the brief story above is what happened and I was very vulnerable at the time and moved state in good faith I had made the right choice. Now my partner is my DH, we married but I still (I know this is wrong of me) but can't get over how I was treated all those years ago. Maybe I shouldn't have married but I wanted security for myself and DD.

I had therapy which didn't help. I have changed as a person and am much stronger and would not tolerate this kind of behaviour now. Our marriage feels toxic because I can't forgive or trust him. We get along, function as a family but I feel like I am in a situation where I am always trying to pay him back for what he did all those years ago and I don't think this is healthy.

OP posts:

PierceMorgansChin · 26/10/2023 09:10

I have read with compassion for you until I got to ' I wanted another child'. You are suffering in a horrible abusive relationship and you are choosing to bring another child into this mess? Why? Why are you still with him?

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 26/10/2023 09:29

You can't forgive him because his behaviour at the time was utterly disgusting.
You were vulnerable then but are stronger now, time to do what you should have years ago and leave him.

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 09:53

Absolutely @PierceMorgansChin , I admit this was wrong to think that, but admittedly it was years ago, and my mindset has changed. You're right, a child shouldn't be brought in that/this.

OP posts:

Camoflange · 26/10/2023 09:55

What do you actually want to happen now?

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 26/10/2023 10:03

He denied me any money, refused to cooperate as a couple to support myself whilst taking 5 months off work and DD whilst not working so I used my savings, my pick up truck gave up working and he would not help me get this fixed. I tried to speak about this at the time to him but he did not feel there was a problem and that funding myself was my responsibility.

And you want another child with this man?

ringmybe11 · 26/10/2023 10:07

I think it's pretty simple - to live happily as a family you have to forgive him and move on otherwise you're going to be harbouring resentment permanently. If you can't forgive him then you're not ever going to be properly happy unless you leave. So the question is whether you want to or are prepared to try and forgive to move forward?

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 10:15

Agree @ringmybe11 I'm just thinking 15 years on I'm still harbouring this resentment so every time he now does something which I resent it only adds to what he did. So, in theory yes I can forgive but it still sits there bubbling so when he now does/doesn't do something which I feel is unreasonable it brings it all up to the surface.

OP posts:

ringmybe11 · 26/10/2023 14:43

If you want to move past it is there another form of therapy you can try or couples counselling or something?
Or have you tried talking to your DH about it - can you get closure by airing it with him to try and put it to bed, maybe he would apologise for how he behaved in the past?
Was the decision to marry him purely about family security or did you have a lot of good things going?
I stayed with my ex partner longer than I should - eventually I realised that my feelings towards him had changed and too much had happened to forgive and forget. Just because you've been together a long time doesn't mean staying is the right thing to do. It's about what's right for your future

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 15:23

Thanks for your reply @ringmybe11 . It gets brought up every now and then, especially when he is being unreasonable. He is fully aware of how he acted those years ago and admits it was wrong however there are things he does now (lack of compromise, occasionally talking to me like i am something on the bottom of his shoe and when we are out as a family or couple he walks ahead of us as though we're not together?!). So things like this drive me crazy. I do agree it makes no difference how long we've been together but I wanted a loving, secure relationship/marriage not to be treated like an outcast.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 26/10/2023 15:28

You married a highly abusive man.

That is who he was and how he chose to behave when you were at your most vulnerable.

He's utter scum.

Unfortunately you decided to marry him too.

Why you would want another child with scum is beyond me.

Your poor child with a father like that.

Your marriage is toxic because he is absolutely toxic.

You would need a lobotomy to move past how he treated you.

You have wasted 15 years with him.

Stop trying to forgive him.
He doesn't deserve it.

Divorce him and move on.

steppemum · 26/10/2023 15:46

this sentence really stood out

funding myself was my responsibility.

and yet the reason you had no money was that youhad given birth to his kid.

His behaviour was awful. No question.

But I have just seen that this was all 15 year ago and you are still together.
So the question that only you can answer is, why?
Is he giving you something that you need?
Is this just for the sake of your dd?
Was his awful behaviour just a terrible time, and he hasn't behaved like that since?

Some of the answers you have already said actually, and yet you are still with him. What does this guy bring to the table in your relationship?

Have you ever had couples counselling where you went back and went over those early years? I hesistate to ask that, because if he is abusive, then couples counselling is not advised. Is he abusive or was he just a complete dick when you were first together?

I wouldn't hesitate to say leave him and get happiness, but only you can make that call.

Watchkeys · 26/10/2023 16:30

You're basically saying you can't gat over the fact that he irreparably damaged your boundaries. If someone treats you badly and then you can't trust them, that's not a fault in you, it's a healthy trait that shows you won't put your hand in the fire twice. You've learned your lesson (he isn't trustworthy), and now you're trying to ignore it. Why? Why do you think that not being able to trust someone who has broken your trust is a fault in you?

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 16:46

steppemum · 26/10/2023 15:46

this sentence really stood out

funding myself was my responsibility.

and yet the reason you had no money was that youhad given birth to his kid.

His behaviour was awful. No question.

Some of the answers you have already said actually, and yet you are still with him. What does this guy bring to the table in your relationship?

I wouldn't hesitate to say leave him and get happiness, but only you can make that call.

It was 15 years ago @steppemum and that I have no idea. I have moved States to a very expensive part of the US so hiring an apartment even on my salary here is not possible. My DD is in high school so it would need a move and she is pretty settled. There have been good times and are good times this is why I stay but all mainly because of DD, finances and I guess I am just tired from it all. Not great reasons I know. We haven't had couples counselling, yes, I think this would help clear the air more about past situations, but he continues to be a dick now...not all the time but 50% of the time. I guess the other 50% is why I stay along with the other reasons. My DD will finish her high schooling in 4 years maybe then will be a good time.

Yes @WatchkeysI don't think this is a fault in me, but I think when you are married, have a DC then you may owe it to your child to forgive. I did forgive. I have forgiven but because of his other ways and is often...a dick... (not all the time), how I was treated in the beginning rears its ugly head.

OP posts:

category12 · 26/10/2023 16:59

but I think when you are married, have a DC then you may owe it to your child to forgive.

Is he a good father?

Camoflange · 26/10/2023 17:58

Do you want him to own up and apologise properly for it with proof he realises and understands what he's done? You won't get this.
Do you want to get over it? Do you want permission to walk away?

. This guy was happy to see you financially struggle in a foreign country after having his kid. Staying shows you have low self esteem and didn't want to go it alone rather than for your kid. Your kid wouldn't have benefitted from a selfish stingy dad.

You need to decide what you want to do about your marriage as things are now and without assuming apology or change from him. You sound so scared and I think you do know what you need to do.

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 19:55

@category12 yes, he's strict to a point but pretty attentive. If he was a bad father I would have left no question there.

@Camoflange he has admitted he was in the wrong and wasn't sure what he was thinking. Maybe I'm to blame too for tolerating it, by tolerating it he maybe thought that was how things are done, I don't know. Of course, for my own health in a physical and mental health area I need to get over it. I am over, was over it but as I have said every time he acts like a dick I remember all he has done. I'm not perfect but I am a decent human being who is kind and liked by a lot of people it seems but I would not associate with what I am in as a normal, regular marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 19:56

I guess we all define what we feel is a normal, regular marriage and this is not my definition of that.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 26/10/2023 21:26

I think when you are married, have a DC then you may owe it to your child to forgive

I think you owe it to your child to exemplify that if someone treats you poorly, you don't try to suppress your feelings, and that walking away is acceptable under any circumstances. Unless you would want your child to struggle to the point that they'd be posting on a forum for advice from strangers, you need to question the example you're setting.

Sorchamarie · 26/10/2023 21:38

"You have wasted 15 years with him.
Stop trying to forgive him.
He doesn't deserve it.
Divorce him and move on".

This. Sorry OP. I don't understand why you think you have to forgive someone who treated you so abusively (and still clearly acts in ways that are hurting you). I don't mean to be harsh but what a terrible example of a relationship you're setting for your child. Is this seriously the kind of relationship you would wish for her? Or would you be devastated if someone treated her like you've been treated and she stayed for more punishment? Because she's learning from you that this is normal. I really do wish you luck for the future.

Original poster

Userville10 · 26/10/2023 22:17

@Watchkeys , I thought posting on a forum I'd get those unbiased views which in the main I have so thanks. Girlfriends and family clearly see the way he is with my DD and me on the whole but apart from close girlfriends they don't know the whole picture. Isn't this the whole thing of a forum, to get anonymous feedback not to form a decision on but just to post those clear facts. I would on the whole want my DD to talk to me if she were in a similar place but my parents are no longer alive so no chance there. My DD has seen me on many occasions sticking up for myself and not taking crap and she doesn't see me taking crap from her father on a daily basis, she doesn't know the history. Yes, agree it's toxic but there are a lot of marriages worse. It doesn't make it right though.

OP posts:

ringmybe11 · 28/10/2023 13:31

Have you decided what to do?

Watchkeys · 28/10/2023 15:17

I would on the whole want my DD to talk to me if she were in a similar place

What would you tell her?

Yes, agree it's toxic but there are a lot of marriages worse

Why even point this out, if you're not trying to minimise the damage that's being done?

My DD has seen me on many occasions sticking up for myself

Do you really think it's great that after she saw these 'many occasions', you persist with the relationship?

Original poster

Userville10 · 29/10/2023 08:00

@ringmybe11 in my head yes. In reality no, there are tons to consider..Real Estate, how many DD will feel, career, finance, big decisions and moves here (incl. myself). If the behaviour was constant it would be easier.

OP posts:

Epidote · 29/10/2023 08:12

You don't need to move to another state or to split right now but I would start to save money for a bright future without him. He showed you his true colours a couple of times and his message was clear you can expect nothing of him.

Fernsfernsferns · 29/10/2023 08:18

@Userville10

you have to consider what you want for your daughter.

do you want her to have a relationship and marriage like this?

because she will unless you change things. You are showing her this is what women do and accept.

you are showing her that women in general and you specifically accept this treatment (both the last and now) for the sake of finances and appearances.

Flip