Can you help me with my year 8 DS?

[Almostateeagersmum2023]

There seems to be a lot of provocation and reaction happening at school at the moment with a few different boys ending in things getting into physical fighting with my DS and he’s the one that ends up getting in trouble.

Can anyone point me to any resources I can read with him to try and help him?

What has been your interaction with the school?

is this a new development?

any changes at home?

Although you seem to think it’s not his fault

They tend to punish all for altercations.

Try an anger management book / coarse.

There are books like volcano in my tummy for younger children they might have one for older kids.

If I thought it wasn’t his fault why would I be looking for support for him?

I’ve not heard from the school, this is coming from DS himself.

The fighting is new, he’s always struggled with friendships, no changes at home.

So he’s being punished for physical altercations

and the school have not contacted you

that is not a good sign
So you first response needs to be to contact the school as a matter of priority

you need more information in order to understand how to address the issue

I didn’t say he was getting punished, he getting told on to teachers and me. I don’t want it to go further that’s why I want to address it.

he’s the one that ends up getting in trouble.

would suggest punished 🙄

Ok op

don’t talk to the school

read a book with your son 🤷‍♀️

I will bow out

You may have to be open to the possibility that it's your sons behaviour, not just others, causing the problems to be able to help him.

I don’t want it to get to the punishment stage that’s the whole point of my thread.

I’m sure it’s due to him that’s why I’m asking for help.

Odd for their to be physical altercations and for there not to be punishment

Think Good Feel Good by Paul Stallard is a good one for activities to develop an understanding of how emotions affect thoughts and behaviour. This might be useful.

Hard to say if this is what’s needed or other options like speaking to the school to understand why it’s happening or even something like helping him join different clubs to make different friends would be good to do instead/ as well.

Hope that helps. Good luck :)

Do staff know it's happening or is your son coming home and telling you he got shoved in the corridors etc? If staff know it's happening I'm surprised there's been no call home and no sanction.

There isn't enough information here. You need to find out what exactly is going on.

What type of physical altercations?
When and where do they happen.
Then you contact his pastoral lead and give them the information so that they can look at CCTV and then you have a meeting with them and discuss next steps. They will likely do a restorative conversation where the boys talk through what's happened, sign a contract not to happen again (and if it does more severe punishment), teachers will be informed to keep an eye out and to rearrange seating plans if they sit near each other.

If it turns out your son is being picked on and is innocent in all this then they may put additional support in place.
Access to a supervised space at lunchtime where he will be supported in making friends etc, which is useful if he has any other vulnerabilities.

I don't think there's enough information to help you.

What is happening?
What is your son doing?
What are other children doing?
What is school doing?

Plus
What is he like at home?

The best thing any parent can do with any child is learn to talk helpfully and find ways to connect with them on a daily basis. Many young people feel afraid and alone, just from the natural process of growing up.

A useful starting book is 'How to talk so teenagers will listen' - this is general advice.

I would find something small to do with my child each day - for example is there a regular short programme you can watch together? Or any activity he would do with you? A dog walk or car journey can be badged as 1-1 time.

I would also ask for a chat with his Head of Year and ask how they think things are from school's perspective.

You really need to speak to the school to understand what is actually happening and get them in board to help your ds navigate whatever is going on. Then you can all work together and that is much more likely to be helpful.

You do need to speak to the school to find out what is happening or to make them aware that there is an issue. They should be working with you to ensure nothing happens again, and giving your DS suggestions about what action to take if he is getting angry. They may tell him if a designated place to go, or where to find a trusted adult. His form tutor could have regular check ins with him to monitor the social issues. They might have lunchtime clubs where he can meet more suitable friends.

Of course you can support him with this at home, but if it's happening in their setting, school need to be a big part of it. I think it would be strange to punish your son when you are bringing it to their attention in this way.