Going through a horrible insecure stage in my new relationship - wish I could snap myself out of it.

[Pinkchampagne]

As some of you will know, I have recently come out of a bad marriage & have been seeing a lovely man for nearly 7 months now.
When I first started dating him I was frightened of getting myself into another relationship, and scared of developing strong feelings, but now that has happened, and I am suddenly finding myself feeling pathetic & insecure.

He lives a half hour drive from me and works lates Mon to Fri, so I only see him once or twice a week at the weekend. He was going to try to move nearer me, but is now pulling back as he would be further from his work.

I have been very careful with not hurrying to introduce the children to him, and would only see him when boys are with their dad. It was almost like a separate life, and suited us both at the time.
Now, however, I have developed very strong feelings for him & realise that he needs to start being introduced to my real life in order for us to move on.
He has only met the boys a couple of times for very short spells. (just before their bedtime) The boys just know him as my friend.

I know that I am going to have to gradually get him more involved with the boys, but it is such a big thing. He has no children of his own & has never been out with anyone with children. Is the reality going to be too huge a shock for him?

Then there's the issue with ex H obviously being a constant presence because of him being the boys father. This is something he has mentioned he may find hard, but something that has to be accepted in order for us to have any kind of future. Ex H will always be the boys dad, but is of no threat to my new boyfriend.

He has a good lifestyle & has been away on 3 holidays since I met him, and a week after coming home from skiing, he is itching for another holiday. Our lives are worlds apart really.

To top it all, there is also the issues I have with my family not really accepting him because of their relationship with ex H. I know this is something that is starting to get to my new boyfriend, understandably. There is nothing I can do to change my family though.

He is the lovliest man I have ever been out with & I have stronger feelings for him than I have ever experienced before, which is why I am feeling so messed up in the head atm. I worry about all the huge hurdles we face & whether we will be able to overcome them. I also wonder what chance our relationship has of really surviving. I know would be devastated if our relationship came to an end, but feeling horribly insecure about so many aspects of it.

I don't want to keep coming across all heavy & pathetic in front of him, but feeling very insecure right now.

Could you sit down and tell him how you are feeling? Chances are that he knows a lot of it and, hey, he's still around!

He knew about the boys and the situation with x-H and your parents when he started seeing you. He's had plenty of opportunity to pull back and hasn't done so yet. And it is still, relatively speaking early days. There is no need to rush into anyone moving (although, imo, it should be you because it would get you away from your toxic family).

You met him relatively soon after the split with ex-H so you've got to give yourself time to deal with the emotions of that before looking at anything long-term. If he's the man for you, he'll be willing to wait.

i think all you can really do is talk with your boyfriend and ask where he sees the relationship going and what he wants as to what you want

as for the insecurities unless dealt with will follow you whatever relationship your in as i should know never dealt with bad relationship and end up like a wreck in new ones

although dp of 4 yrs is helping me deal with it has made him wan t to leave many times as it was too much

have your talk and then find out if you are both reading from the same book then together you can talk about future plans he would have to give up the many holidays or pay for you all to go lol

good luck most of all dont think about tit too much as you will only screw your own mind up i'm my own worst enemy with thoughts

i hope you get the answers you want from new man xx

I know, Freckle, and neither of us wants to rush anything, but it has got to a stage where I am scared of all the hurdles we face & wondering if we stand any chance of getting through them.
Also, he has such a good carefree lifestyle, and I don't! Would we stand any chance of working?

I am just feeling really pathetic atm. It has been on & off over the last couple of weeks & not sure of the trigger, but my head has gone into overdrive with everything.

I might give him a ring tonight & have a bit of a talk about things.

Thanks, bubblagirl. I am obviously thinking too much into everything & screwing my head up a bit.
I have talked to him a little, but not in real depth, so think we need a good talk about things.

PinkChampagne, HELLO (it's me, ma ma ma)

I have no suggestions but am so glad you have found someone so lovely. I am not surprised you are all mixed up about what happens now but he sounds wonderful.

Talk to him

Hello, haven't seen you around for a while - how are you?

He is wonderful & I do feel very lucky to have found him, but wish I had met him 12 years ago when there were no complications in the way!

I'm ok - still muddling through. Things are horribly complicated these days, aren't they?

Take Care, PC

OhPC, I have no advice really but wanted to say I hope it does work out.
The hurdles you face together will be tiny little bumps if he's the man for you

Pinkchampagne when I met my DP, I was a single, independent party girl who had no experience and knew bugger all about children. Tbh I really had no time for kids at all.
I fell for DP very very quickly (I love him so much still ! sniff ) so I just thought I'll go with the flow and see what happens.
First time I met DP's DD I was terrified lol but all went well. :D I was introduced as daddys friend. DP waited 5 months before letting me meet her as he wanted to be sure we were going somewhere.
It never occurred to me about DP having his ex still his life because of their lo. Things have been really really tough for us. DP always said it takes a special type of person to take this on.

In short my advice is to take things slowly. Introduce your bf to kids as a friend. Never show affection to your bf in front of the kids. Acknowledge your bfs fears that having your ex in your lives is not going to be a bed of roses.

I've been asked if I knew how much crap I would have had to take due to being with DP would I have gone through with it. My answer is yes because I love my fella and his DD so much.

Thank you all for your messages. I have now spoken to him & feel a little better.
I think he was panicking at the beginning of the conversation, thinking I wanted some kind of commitment from him, which couldn't be further from the truth! we have both recently come out of marriages & I also have the boys to consider.
He said something about being independant & how the subject of children never came up between his ex wife & himself, at which point I thought he was saying he couldn't handle all that came with me. My heart dropped to my feet because I thought he was telling me he didn't want to be with me.

Think it was all a case of crossed wires though. He is fine to carry on as we are for now, which is fine by me, and in time we will do little things which include the boys, like taking them to the park with his dog etc.
The boys just know of him as my friend, and that's how it will stay.

We are carrying on as we are for now, not rushing things & seeing what happens in time.

I know it must all feel very daunting for him, especially as he doesn't have children himself. I will never want him to be anything other than a friend to my boys though. They already have a father.

He says he isn't that bothered about my family situation really, but it bothers him that they get to me.

Eloner Rigby - I have just had a nose at your profile & see you now have a baby of your own, so guess it couldn't have scared you off too much!

lol pinkchampagne I think the party girl I was has diffenatly gone forever!
With kids you see the world very differently! My priorities have totally changed with my DP, his DD and our DD being my world now - I wouldnt have it any other way!

A word about families and them not accepting change. My DP's parents were like that. Last time I was at their house pictures of DP's wedding to the ex were still on the wall
It was pretty upsetting for DP as he had asked them to be removed. With time though they seem to accepted the passing of the old relationship and gotten to know me slowly. Just recently Ive felt they have accepted me too.
Hopefully with time your parents will get over it and move on too.

Lovely to hear you're so happy, ER.

As for my family, I don't hold out great hope. Mum has told me that dad has said that much as he still loves me, he will never forgive me because he thinks I wrecked a marriage! He doesn't back down easily.

Feeling much less pathetic now. Think I have been so overloaded with various things just recently, that I just had a messy head.