Painful marriage

[Orangeglitter]

I'm so conflicted - please help!

Been married for 22 years. Have two children at secondary school. My marriage has been slowly crumbling for years but this last year things have got worse. It was always up and down to be honest - I have ADHD, pretty sure DH is on the autistic spectrum and he has suffered from depression and anxiety for the whole relationship.

The problem is that his behaviour over the years has left me feeling so unloved - even in our "good" times he didn't used to really see me as a person. He doesn't seem to have much empathy. When the dc were young he barely helped out at all with the nights and all other aspects of childcare even though I was exhausted and kept asking him for help.

He always hated his job and it seemed to give him a reason to do very little in terms of housework etc.

He left his last job a year ago and now only works part time (due to his mental health) spending all of his time off lying on the sofa or mooching around the house. He's had a few mental breakdowns over the course of our relationship.

I work full time and I just feel exhausted. Dh does barely any housework or gardening. I'm too tired to do much so the house and garden are in a state. We've always been a bit mismatched in that I am more driven and he is content with a slower pace of life. But I feel my drive has got less over the years and I now just feel ground down.

But more than all that is that I just feel invisible. He told me over a year ago that he didn't love me in a romantic way any more, just as a family member. I'm sure he doesn't find me attractive any more. He sometimes looks irritated with me. But then he sometimes smiles at me and it seems like he does like me. We barely talk any more, or spend time together. It's just awful. No love or affection for years. I have been crying about this situation every day for months.

It's the usual dilemma - I feel I am staying with him as I am so worried about how the children would cope with our little unit breaking up. They are 14 and 12. Everyone I know seems to be in a "traditional" family set up, and it's what I wanted for my children. We don't see extended family much and I worry the dc would flounder and feel lonely if we were in separate houses.

The money aside of things is a big worry too.

I feel like my physical health is being affected - I don't sleep well, I have aches and pains and feel sick.

I feel like I still love DH, I remember the years we had when we had fun together, I remember him looking at me with such love and kindness. Now he looks through me, or looks annoyed. How has it all changed? I don't think it can ever go back to what it was now. It's like I love him but feel like it's so painful being with him.

I also blame myself - I know I haven't been perfect, maybe I drove him away somehow. He used to get moody, angry, passive aggressive and then I would get emotional and upset, which he didn't like. It was a dysfunctional cycle.

It's not like I'm feeling I would meet anyone else - I feel ground down, unattractive, and I don't really think I believe in true love now.

We've had marriage counselling, it didn't really help.

How can I make a decision? Stay for the family set up, where I am slowly dying inside, or leave and risk causing the dc and dh a huge amount of pain?

If you've had counselling and it didn't help then it sounds like you've reached the end of the road. He doesn't sound like he'd be much of a loss now really if he doesn't talk to you, etc. if you are feeling grateful for a smile then you really are scraping the barrel in emotional engagement terms. You'd feel less alone with him and probably less ground down by his moods too. Don't be scared of going out on your own.

Can't be of much help but just to say similar situation and can empathise. Hugs ❤️

You're staying in a miserable marriage because you're scared of change, and the irony is that any change can't be worse than the hell you're living in now. I have absolutely no doubt that the ailments you suffer from are due to your relentless unhappiness. You deserve much more and your kids deserve a happy mum. There is no way on earth your kids don't see how dysfunctional your marriage is.

@Aquamarine1029 yes maybe you're right, I don't think any change could be worse than this situation.

I guess I'm scared of leaving the "advantages" - the kids having a dad around, going on holiday/ Christmas etc as a family rather than just the three of us. Financial security. The kids seem fairly happy, I don't know if they are picking up on any of the issues between dh and I, but maybe it's on a subconscious level.

I think it's also energy levels - I feel so mentally tired. The thought of going through a separation process, with all the while my DH no doubt being angry and digging his heels at every opportunity - I just wonder if I can do it.

I’m sure others will tell you too, but children don’t benefit from living in an unhappy home either. They see your relationship and probably think this is normal. This can affect how they view relationships all their life. Parents think that staying together is best for the kids, but it rarely is. If he’s told you he doesn’t love you romantically anymore than yes I expect he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. You deserve more, children are so adaptable. Will be really want 50-50? They will adapt to having two homes and I do think it sounds like it will be the best solution for everyone

He sounds like he is dragging you down. And using mental illness as a reason (excuse?) to be lazy. He’s certainly going down the tubes, do you want to get dragged down with him?

How old are you? Surely there’s life in you yet? This sounds like a total drudge.

Yes, leaving will be challenging, but if you stay you face decades more of this bullshit.

I left a 20 year relationship for different reasons, and had the same worries that you do (kids were 11 & 9). There was a saying that I loved at that time :

“The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that’s not what Ships are for”

Metaphorically, I was the Ship.

If you don’t feel you can leave now, how about making a plan to leave when the kids leave school? You only have 6 years until your youngest is an adult. It’s really not that long. You could research areas/houses, look at the finances. Make any changes now, to boost finances. Almost make a Pinterest board in your mind, of your new life. You certainly don’t want to be heading into retirement in an empty nest, with this joy sucker.

One of the most exciting times for me, when leaving my ExH, was deciding I was going and then making plans (in secret). Because at least then, I was doing something positive and ploughing forward. When he was out I would look at Rightmove at houses I could move to etc.

@CollagenQueenI'm 47. I think part of me feeling so ground down is that DH is here all the time. He doesn't often go out of the house. I feel his negative energy is dragging me down and there's no respite or space. I don't feel I have the space to make plans to leave, or can even look at our financial admin or start decluttering as he'll just start questioning me as to what I am doing.

Some days I feel like I feel empowered and motivated to leave, other times (like now) it all seems insurmountable. Its funny though, reading what you said about maybe leaving in 6 years, my immediate reaction was "I can't wait that long"!! I just need to find the energy and strength somehow.

That's a good idea about a Pinterest board in your mind, I think it's almost about having something to aim for rather than it feeling like I am headed for a scary unknown future.

It sounds absolutely terrible OP. It’s hard to see one good reason why you stay. Your children have to live with this lazy, miserable mooch as well; how horrible for them. And they also see their ground-down miserable mother. I believe he is absolutely using you because it’s easy for him. He’s not much better than a cocklodger, except no sexual attraction or fun times either.

Sometimes you just have to “do it”. Make some preliminary plans of course (see a solicitor as a first port of call). Then just make things happen. Sometimes things fall into place and you wonder why you waited so long. (Of course sometimes things don’t and that can be a challenge and a struggle)

There are no guarantees with life. But since you are dying a slow death anyway, I don’t see what could be worse. The pain of change (and healing even) should not be underestimated, but there is rarely growth and change without some pain. You might be lucky however, and things might be great from day 1 of leaving!

You are living the life of a miserable, used, ignored drudge. Your children at 13 and 14 still have a chance for some happy teenage years with you.

If you’re unsure you could always have a trial separation, though it’s hard to see what you would go back for except more drudgery and negativity. However, only you know the full circumstances and what to do for the best. Good luck with whatever your decision is.

I think your kids are also going to suffer long term if you don't leave.

Right now you and your DH are modelling a very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Marriage is not an alter to sacrifice your life on.

I'm saying this as a very happy lone parent of 13 years.

Hmm this is hard. I know people always say that children shouldn’t model their relationships on their parents, and they’d be happier if parents separated, but that wasn’t my experience. My son (11) was ok with it, but my daughter (9) was devastated and didn’t want us to divorce under any circumstances. I softened the blow by planning exciting new bedrooms at our new house and a few new electronics. Bribery really. Having spoken to them as adults, they now couldn’t care less. But they are now well adjusted with partners of their own.

Thats annoying Op that you don’t get time alone. Very stifling. Could you take time in your day to go a coffee shop and browse the internet for your options? Start making plans. Start looking at houses and areas. Where would you live? Is there somewhere nearby you’ve always fancied living? I moved to the coast. It was only 30 minutes away, so close enough to still share child care etc.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. This is a terrible example of a relationship you are both modelling to your children.

re your comment:
"I guess I'm scared of leaving the "advantages" - the kids having a dad around, going on holiday/ Christmas etc as a family rather than just the three of us. Financial security. The kids seem fairly happy, I don't know if they are picking up on any of the issues between dh and I, but maybe it's on a subconscious level".

Do not let fear of change, financial worries or the unknown here prevent you from leaving; he is likely the root cause of your current physical ailments as well. There is NO advantage to them or you to have such a deadbeat dad and husband around. Your children are seeing two miserable parents locked in their own miseries. He is using his MH (that he has likely never addressed) to further bash you about the head with and I would also assume he spoils all holidays and Christmas. Do not assume either he is anywhere on an autistic spectrum because you may be wrong here; even if he was that is no hall pass for such poor behaviour. As for financial security he works part time so he is bringing in even less money.

Stop kicking the can down the road that you;ve already kicked long enough and start planning your exit from this sham of a marriage. Your children will also thank you for doing so; they deserve a happy mother. Your children do know about the parlous state of your relationship and they know far more than either of you care to realise.