Confused why does sister say this?

[whatsshegoingonabout]

My sister seems quite troubled and swings from insecure, to calm, to manipulating - lately someone else is always the problem (not just family) and she has a pattern of pushing people away and then feeling very upset and worrying nobody cares about her. She does not see the good and feels wary people are out to get her - it can’t be very nice.

Lately she has taken to saying she has trauma and baggage from childhood that she needs to heal from. I am really mystified and feel quite cold about it all, to be honest, because without wanting to deny her experience it simply is not true. It feels like a kick to the teeth to my parents who worked very very hard to give all of us what we needed, some lovely opportunities and consistent and reliable love. They always showed up for us. I just don’t understand and when I’ve tried to speak to her to see if she is ok she becomes very reactive and says I am being sensitive/making a drama or looking for trouble. I’m not.

Is it wise to just stay well clear? I don’t want to cut her off if she’s struggling but she herself is not the most healthy person to be around, so what she is saying feels quite like gaslighting everyone else so they are the issue not her.

It’s quite common for abusive parents to scapegoat one child to make it look like they deserve the abuse. The other children have no idea. In your position I’d support my sister to get closure on her trauma.

I appreciate this but they genuinely haven’t. I’m not blinkered. Even until a few months ago she was saying what a wonderful time she had and how she wouldn’t change a thing. She really enjoys to be the victim and for everyone to see her that way (among friends, family at both sides). I have no idea as to why but it is quite twisted

Nothing is out of nothing, it's a recognised experienced for people to perceive someone as wonderful while they are nasty to someone else. Abusive people can be charming. Golden child and black sheep are psychologically recognised phenomenon. It is possible to make abuse up but it's far less common.

I think you are being unsupportive and insensitive and show very little understanding and empathy to her so for everyone's sake, I would advise you to keep low contact with her and keep topics light and breezy. If she starts talking about something emotional you could tell her you're sorry she feels this way and that she should speak to a therapist because you don't understand her experience and don't have the skills to support her with this. It's more kind to admit you can't support her than be dismissive. Even if you listen without talking your body language will show judgment and disapproval. So do everyone a favour an let her know you can't support her instead of 'no you're making this up you liar'.

You do deserve to protect your own peace and it's your right to set your own boundaries but it's not your place to tell her her experience isn't valid or didn't happen or that how she feels isn't true.

Two children in the same family can have very different experiences. She's clearly struggling. But family members might not be the best people to help; she might be better getting professional help with this.

I think I'd try to remain calm with her, empathise with her feelings but not get drawn into debates about childhood memories- you each have a different perspective and that can be normal.

I wanted to avoid adding this as didn’t want it to be linked to previous posts but the background is actually that she was manipulative towards me and bullying in many ways. Questioning me and belittling me. Coincidentally she is only mentioning that she felt she had a difficult childhood experience since others in the family have recognised how she’s treated me in the past few years (and they didn’t for a long time, they blamed me heavily for having little to do with her- the reality is I distanced myself because of how she treated me and ended up in therapy over it). I think she has MH issues but I don’t want to turn my back on her all together as I do hope she’s ok. The past is the past and I understand all behaviour comes from somewhere but unsure why she is trying to play the victim

It seems like you just don’t want to believe your sister. I was scapegoated and I know exactly how it feels to be treated completely differently to another sibling. It is brutal and it stays with you. Mental illness can make people behave in ways that may seem odd, difficult or wrong to others. Mental illness is common in people who experience trauma in childhood. You don’t have to support your sister. However, you have no right whatsoever to invalidate her experiences. Just remember, there could be plenty of things you do not know about. You weren’t together 24/7 as children. Abusers are highly manipulative and go to great lengths to ensure nobody else sees what is going on.

You can dismiss it, I guess, but it doesn't mean that nothing happened to her.

The past is the past

Except when you have trauma to work through, it never really is.

I understand where you're coming from @whatsshegoingonabout My sister is similar and I've gone no contact with her because of it. She creates stories that either didn't happen or twists them beyond all recognition. Incidents when I was there and know exactly what happened, she will still lie about them.

The golden child/scapegoat thing always makes me roll my eyes. If anything, I was the scapegoat. Your situation sounds similar.

Just because she says it doesn't mean it's true.

You don't know her experience. If you can't support her you should stay well away.

I understand what you are saying.

My sister is very much like this.

I've spent years supporting her, even at times when I really didn't believe her. The cost has nearly been my own mental health and sanity.

Now I've realised I don't owe her anything just because she's my sister. I wouldn't put up with this from a friend?

So at a safe distance I'd always catch her when she falls but her day to day dramas I keep out of. For my own wellbeing.

Do any of these match her? https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463#:~:text=People%20with%20personality%20disorders%20often,and%20overall%20quality%20of%20life.

Not every person who complains of a bad childhood actually if a bad childhood!

It baffles me how people are very accepting of how easily someone in a relationship can rewrite history to make themselves look better and the other party worse (eg cheating husband suddenly claiming marriage had been terrible for years) but completely dismiss any possibility of the same for a child towards their parents!

Op, I get it! One of my sisters did that for awhile. Bizarrely I was the one who had a worse childhood than she had. She has since stopped claiming that so hopefully your sister will do the same.

You have distanced yourself from her for a good reason. These claims are likely a new manipulation tactic to start getting sympathy from people and maybe even to get you back under her sphere of control.

Do you live with her? or with your parents?
You need to put your attention elsewhere. Ime of family needing help - it's a bottomless pit of advice, help, support and lo and behold makes no differnce - they carry on as ever, everyone else is to blame, their life is so hard.
When I stepped back, just a bit of sympathy when they listed their woes, our relationship was much better. Shame I hadn't done that 40 years before but I was influenced by my DM always trying to save them (which just fed the neediness).

Yeah OP I absolutely understand what you mean aswel. My younger brother is like this. He exaggerates beyond belief about our childhood and makes it all about how he was so hard done by and was treated so differently.

He is very, woe be me because his life hasn't turned out the way he bragged it would. (Hes the only one university educated so was better than us all in his opinion)

So now it's all my parents fault because his childhood was awful. We all just smile and nod. No point calling him out on it because he is always right and if he said the sky is green then the sky is green.

My sister can be like this. We did have a less than ideal and traumatic childhood and neither of us minimise this. Mainly poverty.

However once we got to teenage years she became the cause of most of the abuse. However bad things were she made them worse. Mental health issues, anorexia, screaming, hitting mum and I, kicking us, then when she got over that it was a string of unsuitable men and staying out all night with them at a young age. Then it was job problems then having affairs in her marriage and saying her husband made her do it.

She just sought out and created problems everywhere she goes.

And in her 40s now she blames mum and her ex husband for all of it. It's boring and I don't listen anymore.

I have also seen first hand imagined trauma /abuse (as well as denied trauma and abuse) there are a variety of reasons as to why she does it... Really you can spend forever speculating.
More important to focus on is how it impacts you and what you want to happen.

Taking your posts at face value....

I'd say generally family is more permanent than friends so you can drift closer and further apart of the course of your lives. I've seen this with.my parents and their siblings and my own and my DHs and our friends families.

I think it's fine healthy and normal to distance yourself from this at this time. You should prioritise your own well being.

I certainly had fairly long periods (years) where I was estranged from a sibling- a decade on they are godparent to my child and we are quite close.
I was Low contact because their behaviour was pretty rude/controlling/ abusive to me at the time.
They did a lot of growing, I prob did some too and now we we on good terms

Additionally, I have explained and they have respected their are certain topics that I don't talk about with them (these are ones that just don't make me feel good) and that's okay too.

Basically boundaries for you are okay to have.

I just don’t understand and when I’ve tried to speak to her to see if she is ok she becomes very reactive and says I am being sensitive/making a drama or looking for trouble

Then don't do it. You can be there for her if she chooses to talk to you, up to your own limits. She's not your responsibility, she's an adult. She can say what she likes, it doesn't have to be true, and you don't have to do anything about that.

You're essentially saying 'Butting in isn't working... what shall I do?' The answer is to butt out.