Relationship counselling?

[missminimum]

Has anyone tried relationship counselling and found it helpful to improve being able to communicate with their other half when you hold a different opinions or are upset about something they have done/said?
When I have a different view on a matter or ask if DH could do something differently, it never achieves anything, except an emotional reaction from DH. It is usually over something very small, but then gets blown up out of proportion, as he takes everything very personally and interprets it as an argument. It can be something like me suggesting we meet a financial advisor, when he has been talking about our finances or me suggesting a way to help his elderly parent, or asking for help with something when he is busy.
It never happens over big issues but everyday normal family life. I now avoid saying anything as I find the drama depressing.
There are behaviours I am finding challenging and depressing but can't raise them with him without him being upset. I hope I can learn more constructive way of phrasing things
Do you think relationship counselling would be helpful, DH feels that they just would try to split us up, or is individual counselling more helpful? Thanks

It's very convenient how it works, isn't it? If you challenge him or put an opinion forward, he blows a gasket and you have therefore learnt to shut up and be quiet.

This suggests it's a controlling thing and that suits him very well.

It doesn't suggest to me that you need to learn a magic way of talking to him that won't make him lose his cool.

Interesting too that he's against relationship counselling as he thinks it will split you up.

You shouldn't do relationship counselling with someone who is potentially controlling/emotionally abusive, no.

Do individual.

Thanks for your response
I am not sure it is a conscious action on his part but his anxiety about not ever being blamed for something or being wrong about something kicks in. He has a big thing about not being blamed for something ( not trying to blame him, just express my view or feelings)
Individual counselling may be more productive, but makes me feel disloyal to him

Please do not make excuses for him. They don’t wash and he
has done this by degrees, abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset. He knows full well what he is doing here to you and it’s nothing to do with anxiety about being blamed for anything either. This is all about power and control and that is what abuse is all about. It is not a relationship issue nor it is about communication or a perceived lack of.

Look at his parents Op, one of them likely acts like your husband does.

I would think he does not behave like described in front of people like your neighbours or his work colleagues. His treatment of you is indeed abusive in nature. Do not undergo any joint counselling with him. If counselling is to be considered here go on your own, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment. I would also seek legal advice re separation, you do not have to act on that immediately but knowledge here is power.

Thanks Attila, yes he has similarities to one of his parents, I had never realised that until you mentioned it. You are correct, he only behaves like this with me. I feel I always have to fit in with his schedule and priorities.
I have nobody to talk to about this as don't want to talk to family and friends about this, individual counselling may be preferable.

Abuse thrives on secrecy so it’s indeed to your credit that you’ve begun to write about this on here. If you really cannot talk to family and friends (I would think that one or two of your friends have their own private based suspicions re him) then post on here and contact Women’s Aid (they have a chat facility). I would urge you to try and reach out to one or two of your friends though.

Do consider counselling for yourself and on your own, do not undertake any joint counselling with him. Such is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I’m a fan of counselling, but I think if you are going to do relationship counselling, you also have to do your own therapy, both of you, or it won’t work. He needs to explore the issues in him that are being triggered and where they come from. My relationship is tricky, but therapy has helped us understand each other and communicate so much more effectively. What I’ve learned, is however unreasonable one party’s position may seem, if you want to make it work, both parties have to feel they are being heard, and their position is valid. That’s hard when you know someone is being a dick, but if you want it to work, which I do with my partner, you have to let them say their piece and listen without being defensive. Then have your turn to say your piece and make sure they are in a receptive place. Counselling can help with creating a safe space for you both to speak though.

Thanks Pollyindia, that is helpful advice. After many years of my encouragement he did have some counsellig about a year ago. I had thought he wanted to work on his issues with anger, feelings around being blamed for issues and anxiety. He chose to talk about a car accident he had a few years before, which is not the cause of our issues.
I commenced counselling too but typically I dropped out due to feeling disloyal and finding it difficult to make the time for myself to attend
I do see the value of both seeking to understand ourselves before we address anything together

But if there's no problem with how he behaves towards you, then how could talking about your relationship and your own life with a counsellor be disloyal? It's only if you're currently covering up for him, that telling the truth about your situation becomes an issue of "loyalty".

I am not saying he thinks consciously, "oh I don't like what she's saying, I'll fly into a rage and that'll shut her up" - but it's an effective behaviour that gets him what he wants all the same.

It works for him, so where is his incentive to change?

I have just finished quite a long run of relationship counselling with my husband. It's been very helpful, but I can only see it working if both parties are committed to the process and are open to change. It's given us tools to communicate better and take the heat out of difficult situations.

I also think it's important to choose a counsellor together, who you are both happy with.

Since having counselling, quite a few friends have said that they've had counselling too, to work on sticking points in their relationships...and it's done exactly the opposite to what your partner thinks (i.e it's helped them stay together rather than split up). Having said that, one friend went to relationship counselling with her husband and thought they were getting somewhere but it turned out that he was lying through his teeth all the time and was in fact having 2 affairs.

Thanks SoSo99, I see that counselling could help us work on strategies to improve our relationship, thats how I see it, but my husband is likely to feel defensive around it, even though he is committed to our marriage