NC for this. I'm not sure if this is the right thread to post in, and I'm sorry if this upsets anyone.
Okay some back story. When I was 17, I had a big thing for this guy. Not particularly good looking or much of a catch really. But I was a bit overweight and he was a friend who was really lovely to me, when a lot of guys weren't. We had a bit of a thing going, would kiss at house parties and acted like we were together without officially saying it. He was kind of open to his friends about having feelings for me, but would get a bit of a roasting because I was the big girl in the friendship group, I was also friends with these people but had awful self esteem back then so thought that's all I was worth. It's worth noting I was a virgin at this time.
Anyway we had fooled around a bit after drinking a few times and this one particular time, after a good few drinks, I told him I wanted to have sex. We get back to my house and proceed with kissing which then led to me performing oral sex, which he pushed my head down for. I hated it, it made me feel sick but I didn't stop or show signs of disliking it. After this ended he then proceeded to have sex, before he penetrated me I quickly but clearly said no. But he did it anyway. I maybe didn't say no in time, and didn't say no again because in my mind I wasn't a virgin anymore, so it didn't matter if I stopped him or not. I didn't enjoy any of it. But the next day I gloated to my friends that I lost my virginity. He didn't even say hi to me the next day, and after that we didn't speak much. Until a couple months later when I saw him on a night out and then willingly had sex with him again. I then tried to continue to try to make some kind of relationship with him, which was all one sided. And then after a few months of him messing me around I messaged him drunk one night. The words "I said no" to which he blew at me and said he couldn't believe I was trying to accuse him of rape. Which I wasn't really, I don't really know what I was trying to achieve in messaging him. And then I apologised and said I didn't mean it. Our communication then ended for a while, but after a couple years we saw each other again and I still felt I had feelings for him, and wanted to start things up again. I still don't understand why I felt like this.
The first time I ever told anyone about this was last year, but I have intrusive thoughts of it on a daily basis and relive the moment I said no all the time, and even while writing this my heart is racing and my hands are shaking. Can I still justify feeling like this, when I let it continue and did nothing else to stop it? I didn't say no again, I didn't push him off or show any more signs of not wanting too (I didn't show signs of enjoying it, I don't think anyway). I even changed position when he told me to get on all fours. Why did I go along with it? I still can't make sense of why I didn't do anything. And even worse still wanted some kind of relationship. I'm still so confused about it all.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for by posting here. I think actually maybe I just want to vent, or get it out of me again because it's not something I've spoken about much at all.