Friend always wants to be included in family activities

[RaraWix]

I have a significant other & we have a 1 year old. I also have a best friend since childhood. She adores my baby and we see each other probably once a week. I love having her around.
the only thing is sometimes I feel like I just want it to be a my family thing. Idk if this is immature or weird of me. We are doing the pumpkin patch this weekend and she asked to come then asked if her sister could come too since they have no babies in their lives & I get it. (Although my best friend does hve many friends with kids that grew up around her). I just feel like this is a me, my man, and our baby 1st time fall thing.

how do I go about gently setting this boundary? Does this make me a terrible person? They say it takes a village… idk why I feel this way.

Maybe if you think more long term about the relationship your child will have with your best friend - it’ll be so lovely to see that as your little one grows up. Plus if she’s there with your family then you could maybe do a little photoshoot ask her to take pictures of you all as a family.
It’s hard to set the boundary though. You could go down the route of just keeping plans to yourself. Or if she asks what you’re doing you could just say that you’re going to do X thing as a family because you’ve hardly seen each other with work so you’re looking forward to a nice trip out together. And hopefully she’ll get hint that you mean just you three.
Or just be blunt and if she asks to come to something say that you’re doing this thing just the three of you but you’re free at different time in the day if she wants to see you then.
My friend also asks to see us every Saturday but between working and then babies naps etc we like to try to have a day at the weekend to hang out as a family. Sometimes though our experiences are made better by her being there. Tricky to get a balance!

Don't tell her what your plans are.

‘We are doing xx as a family this time, would you like to do xx next week?’

I don't think her coming along will necessarily make it less enjoyable and it's great to have other adults that your child feel close to. My, now adult, kids are very close to my 3-4 closest friends and it's so lovely to see how relaxed they are around each other. If something was to happen to me I know they will still be in my kids life which is very reassuring as I am now single and they don't see their dad at all. They are kind of like fun aunties. We even spend Christmas together these days.

I have a SIL and BIL like this. They both chose not to have children, that's fine, but it's also not my responsibility to fill the void with my own children every time we do something child focussed. It's lovely to do things together, but also totally fine if you want to keep some things for just your immediate family unit. I agree with saying "We're doing this just the three of us, but do you fancy coming trick or treating with us (or whatever is age appropriate coming up soon)?"

You can also studiously avoid mentioning your plans ahead of time for some things and focus the conversation on the things you do plan to do together.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do things with just your DP and child occasionally. Either just don't tell her when you'd like it to be just the three of you or, if you need to be more direct, tell her that it's just the three of you this time.

The prevous posters who talk of what a lovely relationship your friend will have with your child have missed the obvious - namely that this isn't a case where it's all or nothing. It's perfectly possible for your friend to join you sometimes but not always and still have an excellent relationship with your child.

The easiest way is to do things with your child without telling people in advance.

Your friend doesn’t need to know everything you’re doing before it happens.

'Fill the void'? That's so crass. Couples who choose not to have children don't need yours, Greenwheat, they'd have their own if they were so inclined. You could just stop talking about what you're doing so that they don't seek to accompany.

I have kids but would never be so arrogant as to assume that they 'fill voids' in other people's lives.

She will get offended if you tell her not to come so just don't tell her, or say you have been invited with someone else.

In this case your dc won't care if she is there but your friend will. In future tell her after events! Ime having a mate who adores your dc is a true gift. Don't be so quick to damage that op.

Yes, exactly!! He’s been in school/training and tired everyday plus money is tight during this month so we haven’t gone out much as a family. It almost feels like we’re missing the month. She does add to it I’m not so sure I would mind once we’re actually there or if I just like the idea of family things lol. Deff a hard balance

I would just say "sorry no it's family time, we can meet up the week after and do something then together."

Don't let her walk all over you, it's not normal to have a friend tagging along to family events.

It's totally fine to want to do things just as a family. I find these responses a bit odd. No one would be saying it's totally fine if she comes along every time you and your partner go out for dinner together. Or if dh's mate insisted on coming to all family outings. That would be weird! Your relationship with your partner and your child is a different sort of relationship to be nurtured than one between you and your friend or your friend and your child. Just say, thanks, but we made plans to do this just the three of us. I cannot see how anyone would take offense to that. This is your child and you are their parent. And it's lovely for them to have a relationship with a close family friend, but it doesn't have to be weekly for them to have that 'auntie' sort of bond.

I think maybe phrase it less as family time and more as couple time? As you only have a baby so it’s more like you’re going on a date but your baby is there. So maybe just say, me and DH need some quality time together, rather than exclude her from “family” time. Then in future just don’t mention things you don’t want her to come to ahead of time.

I’m eternally grateful that my childfree friend seems to like hanging out with me and my DS.

However it is very different in that she wouldn’t come to family things. It would be me, her, and DS. And I’d do separate things with me, DH and DS.

Honestly I’d find it a bit odd if one of DH’s friends tagged along on a family outing (unless it was someone visiting who we didn’t see very often for example).

I’d suggest that you did it again with her and her sister (separately to your outing with DH).

Don't tell her what you're up to?

My advice would be to start putting your friend on an information diet.
Stop sharing with her what your plans are with your significant other and your child. Unless you want to invite her along, she doesn't get to know.
Make things mundane and not exciting.

If she wants to go to the pumpkin place, she is free to go but she doesn't have to accompany you and you don't have to accompany her either.

Does she invite you to do stuff with her and her sister or is it mainly invites coming from you? Tell her you want a quiet weekend in with your other half and your child and you've changed your mind about going to the pumpkin place. You are equally allowed to change your mind again and decide to go (you could say that your other half actually persuaded you to go after all and you thought it was too short notice to get her to tag along). It's not ideal, I'll grant you that but it would mean that you could go and not with her.

It's a first time fall thing and id like it to just be the three of us.

For those saying you have to put up with the infringement to preserve the friendship I personally wouldn't vue a friend very well if they didn't understand the simple fact most people value family time.

Is she little ones Godparent?I have official God children that have been christened and unofficial that haven't .I don't tag along with their parents but I do take the little ones on days out by myself.If you trust her could she do that?

We kinda waited last minute so this weekend is it for the pumpkin patch. Also a first for our 12 month DD. Since she was in the NICU last year

You don't have to justify wanting family time!
You just need to tell her this osbjust for you.

As a grown woman her feelings are then hers to manage appropriately. If she doesn't act appropriately then that's another issue entirely.

Its nice that you have a close friend but You need, as pp said, to put the friend on an information diet when its something you want to do as a trio.

Making decisions and planning in advance allows you to be more assertive and more certain of what you want to do and what you don't want to do, so that you can say calmly at the time of the suggestion "Oh that's just DP on that day." but I'm sure there'll be something else coming up soon. Its when it lingers on that it becomes awkward and harder to decline.

Time with just the three of you is really important. so its better if friend comes to everything doesn't become a strict habit or set in stone.

But in this instance, could you go early just the three of you and meet her and her sister a bit later on?

That’s actually a very good idea

Oh god I knew there'd be one 🙄 Do you know my SIL and BIL? I am talking about them, not everyone. And no, I didn't write a massive diatribe with all the details, but I assure you this absolutely is the case with them. How arrogant to assume you speak for everyone......