How do I move on?

[Pops70]

I’ve been apart from my abusive ex for about a year and a half. I unexpectedly met someone on holiday and we just clicked from the first moment - we’re planning to meet up in the next week.

I’m struggling with a few things and I don’t know why - even though I know my ex did bad things I still feel attached to him. I’ve been to counselling , spoken to a DV charity and yet I still struggle to move on and let someone else in.

I was with my ex for so long everything else just feels wrong if that makes sense?

Has anyone had this and how do I get past this? The guy I’ve met is so lovely and I’m really attracted to him so I don’t want to miss out on a potential relationship.

Remember you guys split for a reason and ultimately it didn’t work.

Look out for red flags in the new fella too. For some reason you still feel attached in the unhealthy dynamic you had with your ex. In order to have a relationship without that unhealthy dynamic you need to actively step away from that.

Sounds like you’re craving familiarity in the face of something/someone new. You’re understandably feeling cautious about a new relationship given your experiences so far. I would just acknowledge your feelings and sit with them. Hopefully things go well with this new guy and it will alleviate the anxiety of opening up to someone again. But also keep your wits about you. Any red flags and move on quickly.

Just reiterating what pp said, be careful of the new guy too. Most abusers are lovely in the beginning.

Its good that you've taken time before dating again but have you done the work on learning how to spot abuse in future relationships?

'Just clicked' - can be as a result of narcissistic mirroring.

Also be wary of things like love bombing. Eg: if you've been tied to the phone all day every day since meeting this guy.

Also, is possible your discomfort is not because of your ex but because you're subconsciously picking up on red flags with this guy?

If something FEELS wrong. It probably IS.

I don't want want put you off anything new op but you need to be very very careful.

The first thing you need to do is practice trusting your instincts and gut reactions. Not trying to stifle them because you don't want them to be true.

Otherwise you're remain very vulnerable.
You have instincts for a reason.