This is my first thread and first time I have reached out to anyone other than a friends. It is multi-faceted so I will try to summarise as much as poss! But I do want honest opinions and help.
I have been married for 8 years and in the relationship for 18. I am 34. So I have been with the same man since 15. On the whole I have been very happy in my relationship but since having children I have been going through a bit of a crisis and questioning myself, my choices, and longing to explore.
My husband is a good man. He is loyal, honest, kind, funny, accommodating and very understanding. I love him. He accepts me for me and I don’t ever hide any part of me. I know it is an element of craving excitement and something ‘new’ but also about the need to feel like I am ‘growing’. I feel lost. The things I have I have longed for all our relationship. I am frustrated that I feel like this and can’t just enjoy what we have built and live the life I have always wanted.
I have had a few conversations with him and whilst he understands, he does not feel the same. He has given me “permission” to explore. To “get it out of my system”. He doesn’t want to be a second choice. My friend says this is a trap but he does not operate like that. I don’t know that I could do it though without immense guilt attached to it which would make it not worth it. I want to reach a level of genuine acceptance and revel/make the most of what I do have because what I have is what most people search for their whole lives for. I don’t want to loose him and what we have. But equally, I don’t know how to get there! I seem to work through it and feel more ‘myself’ but then the thoughts return and I feel back to square one. And I do not want him to feel like a second choice. He deserves better than that (I have always felt this). Whilst I don’t want to go into every element, there are a few things that I need to share for context that may or may not be relevant:
- I have always been emotionally/mentally quite complicated - I am extremely self aware which works against me sometimes. Sometimes my needs feel complicated/ sometimes simple. I have had a number of ‘wobbles’ in our relationship which has served as lessons and as means to grow closer in the past.
- Anxiety and hormones have always been a bit of a trigger (or maybe a consequence I don’t know). We had multiple miscarriages when trying for kids and tests revealed that my egg reserves are low for my age. I developed very early and started my period at 10. I have always been biologically and mentally older.
- I have recently suffered from extreme mood fluctuations so on a low dose of cetalopram to manage PMS.
- In the last few years I have worked with a single person. What I once saw as an unappealing life I found myself feeling a bit jealous. Another friend that I would share these feelings with has recently become single which is bringing with it a new wave of curiosity and uncertainty (she is a millionaire though and had a very amicable breakup and actually friends with her ex so I don’t feel I can project as we have very different lives)
- I have always wanted the next thing. Big things have always happened. Uni, but first house, get engaged, get married, search for a career, try for kids. I now feel stagnant and void of any direction or excitement. I am struggling with the monotony and predictability. I think it’s a perfect storm of lots of things together and I know the root of it is me and my perception and taking what I have for granted. It’s like my brain craves chaos/challenge. So if I don’t have it, it creates it! I feel like I am inclined to ruin/get in the way of my own happiness.
- My husband really fancies me but I have only ever had a really deep emotional attraction with him. I started to physically fancy him prob 8 years in! But he has put a bit of weight on and that really isn’t helping. BUT when my weight has fluctuated he has embraced me for what I am so feel it would be double standards and unfair to communicate this. I have always been attracted to him but more his personality and intrinsically him and who he is. I want him to care about his health and appearance a bit more but do not know if this will ever change.
- I have tried counselling but feel I already know myself and my mind very well - I need a shake and some other experiences/view points to help provide some clarity.
Thanks for sticking with this! I reckon I could start numerous threads! I would really appreciate some insight.