Emotionally intelligent ways of arguing.....

[quitethelittlekoala]

....or debating, or disagreeing, whatever you want to call it. DH and I need to have some long talks. I'm dreading them because he often makes me feel small, like I'm overreatincg, etc etc. It's mainly about the way he talks to me and the DC - the tone of voice, the instantly jumping to the negatives in a situation, instantly trying to find the person to blame. It's hard to explain. I think he must not like himself very much if he feels this constant need to do the other person down. It's not shouting and swearing, anything like that. It's subtle. But it's constant and wears me down.

I want to try and use a positive approach wherever I can. I know it doesn't help, for example, to say things like "You NEVER do XXX" or "Why do you ALWAYS XXX?" I try and avoid those. Does anyone have any more tips or resources for good ways to talk that don't instantly put the other person on the defensive? Thank you.

You can read more about "Safety and the Lizard Brain" here

The rule for that is using "I statements". For example.... "I feel frustrated when my feelings aren't acknowledged".

However, if you are dealing with someone who is self centered and MANIPULATIVE nothing will work. I would be concerned that your partner may fall into that category as you stated you try positive approaches and his reactions are wearing you down. Toxic people KNOW that you are trying and trying different approaches to "get through" to them.

I've read a book 'non violent communication' by Marshall b Rosenberg. It may help with the communication technique you're after.