How do I stop comparing myself and be happy?

[Dippydoraa]

Hi all. Please be kind. I'm currently toying with feelings of sadness, worthlessness and anxiety.

Backstory. I've been in a relationship for 5 years now. He's great, divorced, even she is great, they share 4 children. Family life as a whole there are no issues. We all get on brilliantly.. almost like something you read in a good, happy book.

They broke up as the relationship just broke down, but it turned out she was having an affair amid rumours that were around for quite sometime even when they were together. Although she has never admitted this but everyone knows. No smoke without fire, right?

My guy is lovely, will do anything for me, earning ok money but less than myself. The ex wife is an accountant and earns around 50k and the guy she has ended up with earns double. Already I am bitter as my guy is just lovely and deserves all the success they have as he wasn't the cheater, and it just so happens she has landed on her feet and has come up smelling of roses with everything she touches. They go amazing places, wear the best gear, everyone loves them etc I have struggled with this for quite some time, my guys friends have comforted me many times to make me feel better and have obviously known my guy and the ex alot longer than me and they have all reassured me the best thing that happened to my guy was to divorce from the ex due to how she was previously, they all seem relieved my guy is now with someone else.

I guess the issue is... me. When I hear they are going away somewhere I could only dream of because they can afford it, I drown in a pit of sadness and anxiety and get very jealous. Because, why do people who do wrong, always end up with success, and we struggle? I mean we don't struggle, but to go the places they do or eat out as often as they do, we have to save. I feel like I'm a loser. I've got a good job, I'm great at saving, however my guy is not. If I want to go on holiday, or do something, or go somewhere, I end up paying because if I don't, I don't get to do those things, and I feel like I'm heading towards resentment ☹️

How do I stop comparing myself to her and all that they have and start loving how i am and what i have? What is wrong with me? How do I get over envy?

I can understand that you feel jealous and resentful of them, and that you wonder why they seem to have it all despite being unfaithful and dishonest.

You are not a loser. You are a person who has a good job, a great saving habit, and a lovely partner who adores you. You have a lot of love and happiness in your life that they may not have. You don't need to compare yourself to them or envy them,.

The best way to stop comparing yourself to them and start loving yourself and what you have is to practice gratitude and self-compassion.

See this as a trigger for change. Could you work on your self-esteem? Maybe even see a therapist? Because this isn't about them, it's about YOU.

If you can conquer these feelings, your life will get even happier and you will no longer be at the mercy of these feelings.

You need to talk to your partner about his savings - it doesn’t seem right that for you to do nice things you’re having to pay for it all. You need to be on the same page financially and have the same financial goals so that it’s more equal.
In terms of not comparing to the other couple, just think about how your partner and his ex’s relationship broke down. There was an affair. The two of them are in a relationship where at least one of them cheated at some point so you don’t know what insecurities there may be in their relationship. You’re comparing to the superficial stuff.
I do kind of know how you feel - my husband and I earn a decent combined income and managed to buy a house. But we’ve got a fair few friends who earn significantly less than us and have managed to buy bigger houses because they’ve had help from family members to pay a chunk of it. It seems kind of unfair that we are working so hard and stuck in a house that’s now too small for us and there are other people in bigger houses they can’t technically afford on their own 🤷🏻‍♀️ But it’s not something to dwell on.
Think about all the things you do have and the strength of your relationship. Holidays won’t necessarily make you happier or your relationship stronger.

@koalaknickers

Thank you. I needed to hear all that, I definitely need to work on my self esteem and I'm definitely thinking about therapy as I need to talk about it rather than read a book/courses online. It's making me feel quite unhappy about where I currently am in my relationship and having feelings of not wanting to continue my relationship anymore, because of the resentment I'm starting to feel, it's taking away all my motivation and I feel like I'm losing the person who I used to be. Thank you for replying.

Thank you, I feel the absolute same regarding the house situation you mention, I'm currently in that situation aside from the issue with me I've posted. You've said some things my own family and own friends have said to me also, I don't know what's going on over there or what issues they also have, I wish them bad luck sometimes but then I know that's wrong, I need to work on me but it's hard because anxiety only goes away on it's own. I really miss the old me, but being 50% unhappy takes away any motivation I have to sort myself out.

You're welcome. You sound like a lovely person and you are worth so much more than you are currently allowing yourself to be.

It would be great to be free of these feelings. I think therapy is an excellent idea. Books are not always enough. One thing I've learned in my old age is when I have these feelings, it's always about me in the end.

There may be something you are not giving yourself that is triggering this. I don't mean in monetary terms, but something else. Self-acceptance maybe? You'll find your way back to you with therapy.

I have several problems that money can't fix. Even a lottery win won't fix them! So I know the limitations of money.

Being happy in your own skin is the real prize.

Honestly, to stop thinking these feelings when triggered, would be such a relief to my mind. It weighs heavy when I have days like this, people around me get affected by it, everything gets sucked out of me and it's so draining, I feel like nobody. I've sourced a good local therapist and I've booked my first session in the next couple of weeks. I will probably feel better tomorrow however, it will come by again, it always does!

I'm sure I'll get there.

As the old saying goes - envy is the thief of joy. There are always people out there who have more than you. More money, more happiness etc.
Appreciate the joys and gifts you have and stop looking over your shoulder.
Quite often what you perceive of other people's 'perfect' lives is simply not the case...

I think it's more that risk taking, self confidence and not dwelling in shame helps people succeed. Your guy is good enough for you because his qualities are what you accept for yourself. She had him but wanted more, maybe she values ambition and financial success more. She probably is attractive to attract a richer guy with 4 kids. She genuinely expects more for herself, so she is confident and doesn't self sabotage opportunities. I think your jealousy is a sign you want more for yourself... so make a plan to improve your life.

That's great news. You are setting yourself on the path to a happier future.

You'll get there, I'm sure of it.

Good luck!