DH weight gain

[Hohumtum]

My DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 9 and have a 4 and 2 year old. Since we've been together DH has gained around 3.5-4 stone and is around 2.5-3 stone overweight. He isn't tall (5ft7) which I feel makes it more noticeable.

I don't meant to be a hypocrite, I'm around a stone heavier but also since having children have stretch marks, stomach and boobs are definitely saggier(!) and just generally not in as good shape. However I do make a conscious effort with my appearance as time/money allows. I feel like I want to look good for myself, but also for him. Whereas DH is blasé about his weight gain and seems to think it should have absolutely no effect on how I see him/his sexual attractiveness. I'm saying this based on his actions and conversations we've had that lightly touch on the subject. I still love him and I don't find the weight gain a deal breaker but it's more his attitude that I find unattractive, I think. He doesn't exercise, he doesn't do much beyond basic hygiene (as in he washes regularly etc so doesn't smell/bad breath). If I don't remind him he doesn't seem to notice his hair needs cutting, that clothes have holes/stains when he puts them on etc. I guess I just want to feel like he is willing to make an effort specifically for me, and I don't. Like it's a lack of respect thing. Is this really bad of me? How do I change my mindset?

Very tricky, as it’s such a personal and sensitive thing.

To get the ball rolling, as he presumably hasn’t always been this way, you could try a “light touch” comment - that he doesn’t seem to be making much effort with his appearance/ taking care of himself. See if he takes account or improves after that.

Or else you could prod a bit deeper and ask him if there’s something going on that is causing him to neglect himself. Is it stress, or something else? Obviously putting on a lot of weight suddenly is one sign but the stained, tatty clothes are another.

However, it’s a sensitive subject of course, so I would try to keep it light/gentle, and not press unless he wants to talk about it. The most important thing is you’ve flagged the issue. He may think about it and act upon it a bit later.

If he is completely disinterested I am not sure what else you can do. A gentle prod can be helpful, even encouragement, but it also has to come from him.

How do I change my mindset?

Why should you do that? I think it's perfectly reasonable to find it unattractive that your husband has gained a very significant amount of weight, dresses like a slob, and doesn't give a shit how you feel about it.

I think it's his mindset that needs to change.

I don’t think you have to change your mind set to suit him.
Do you throw away the clothes that are stained and holy ? Buy him clothes and smellies for Xmas/birthday ?

I don’t think you need to change your mindset. You’re not asking for much, it’s more him who needs to take a bit more pride in his appearance. Personally I’d just buy him some new tops. Don’t throw away the other ones as I think that’s overstepping a bit and he should make the decision to get rid of stuff. But you can buy him 3 or 4 new T-shirts and just say to him that you noticed some of his clothes are stained etc so you’ve got him some fresh ones.
Definitely try talking to him about how you like to look nice for yourself and him and ask why he’s not bothered about his appearance in terms of clothing but also weight. It doesn’t have to be an intense conversation, just something so you can both end up on the same page about it all.
I say this as someone whose husband doesn’t care at all about clothes and also has some with holes in so I’ve had to do the buying of new tops etc. However, we’ve chatted about it and he does make an effort to get his hair cut into the style that I find really attractive, because I told him I think he looks really good with his hair like that. And when we go out for a date night he’ll put on a shirt I really like him in. I think if you make a fuss and boost his ego when he does make an effort / looks particularly nice then that can help motivate. Like when our partner or friends say a certain thing looks good on us we’re then more likely to wear it again.