Strained Relationship with DH

[berrybluetoo]

My 8 year old DD is incredibly hyper at bedtime, making it difficult for my DH and I to get a good night's sleep. This constant exhaustion is taking a toll on both my husband and me, leaving us stressed and drained.

In addition to our DD's sleep issues, my DH has recently experienced changes in his health. He has put on weight and has a noticeable odor, which is concerning. It's challenging to address these concerns without causing further strain in our already tired and stressed household.

On top of it all, I'm currently completing my PhD, which demands a significant amount of my time and energy. This leaves me with little time for myself, let alone for maintaining friendships. I miss my friends dearly and feel isolated in this busy phase of life.

To make matters more complicated, our lack of intimacy has become a significant issue. It's been two years since we last had sex and it's taking a toll on our relationship. The combination of exhaustion, stress, and the demands of daily life have made it difficult for us to reconnect on an intimate level.

I'm struggling and don't know what to to or where to start. I guess the first thing is to address my DD's excessive restlessness at bedtime. Any advice appreciated.

Addressing your daughters sleep issues is definitely a priority.

You mention your DH has a noticeable odour. Do you mean body odour (sweat) due to weight gain or something else? If it’s something else he may need to see the gp and that could be a way of broaching the subject from a place of concern.

It all sounds very difficult and draining, I’m sorry you’re having to go through all that.

You're obviously dealing with a lot. I only had to worry about myself when doing my PhD and even so, it was an extremely stressful and draining experience. Try to remind yourself that you will finish and things will get better.

It sounds like your husband has a medical problem. You need to insist that he makes an appointment with his GP. If he gets sensitive, then I'm sorry, but that is less important than identifying his problem. Maybe you can placate him by saying something like,

"I'm so worried about you because I love you. Your health is adding enormously to my stress. I want you to make an appointment with your GP about what's going on. There's the weight gain and the smell. What if there's a serious problem? We need to know what we're dealing with."

As for your daughter, do you have any idea what's contributing to the problem? Is she getting enough exercise? I'd be signing her up for an after-school sports activity or taking turns with your husband to work off some energy by throwing a ball around or something. Don't do anything energetic within a couple of hours of bedtime though.

Are you and your husband reacting strongly when she acts out? A tech ique that has worked for me is staying very quiet and calm and simply leading her back to bed whenever she gets up. Don't give her attention. Maybe discuss this with your GP too.

It will get better!

Thank you @Specso and @Antst for your understanding and support. It means a lot to me.

Regarding my husband's odor, it is indeed body odour, which I think is due to the weight gain. I will try to approach the subject from a place of concern and suggest that he sees a GP to address any underlying medical issues that might be causing it. I agree that his health is important and needs to be prioritised.

In regards to my DD, she currently participates in after-school activities that focus more on music, drama and art (drawing/crafts). However, I realise the importance of ensuring she gets enough exercise (she tells me doesn't like sport!), which could potentially make a difference in her sleep. I am open to trying your technique of staying calm and leading her back to bed without giving her attention when she acts out. It seems like a promising approach. She tends to engage in long chats at bedtime, which might be keeping her alert. Discussing these concerns with our GP is definitely a good idea. Thank you for your suggestions and support.

Thanks for reminding me that things will get better. It's reassuring to hear that, especially during such a challenging time.

Good luck! It sounds very hard indeed.

It will be tough to stay disengaged at bedtime but if you can do it, I think it will help. I also think that insisting that your daughter gets exercise for her health will help (right now with the sleeping and also throughout her life).

We all get comfortable with our habits and find it hard to change. You're in the position of having to decide between encouraging change (and hearing complaints from your husband and daughter) or not forcing change (but then having to continue dealing with problems). Encouraging change now will add temporarily to your stress because your husband and daughter are likely to complain, but I hope it will be worthwhile in the long-run. Good luck.

Thank you @Antst

You're right, it's challenging to break old habits and make changes. I'm sure there will be complaints from my DH and DD during this process, but I believe encouraging change now will be beneficial in the long run. I really appreciate your encouragement and good luck wishes.