Emotionally dismissive DH

[Koalabear86]

Hi all, feeling fed up In my marriage. I just wonder if it’s because I have a new baby and I recall with my son I had a period where I really found everything my husband did annoying.
DH is great in lots of ways. He’s a great dad, he clearly adores me, compliments me, sex life is great. He works hard in his job. He helps around the house (well he does dishes, dishwasher, bins, sometimes cooks, goes to the shops for us etc). He doesn’t really clean.
I’ve always found him a bit serious for me, very quiet and quite moody really. Sometimes I feel my spirit is just being crushed. I’m a very naturally chatty, silly sense of humour person really and I really get nothing like this from DH. Often when I speak he doesn’t even acknowledge I have spoken especially if he is on his phone. Sometimes I want to shake him or scream to get a proper conversation out of him. But really the worst is how emotionally dismissive he is. I don’t feel I can raise my feelings with him if it’s anything about him or money. If he finds something critical he will either storm out mid conversation, tell me to fuck off or say it’s not a good time or why do you always start this sort of thing when I’ve had a bad day etc. Its slowly driving me mad as I feel my feelings are constantly invalidated. I get sometimes I might not time it well but it seems to be EVERY time. Having two young children I don’t want them to witness this as ways of dealing with emotions.
His serious personality also grates on me. I want some fun in my life and I feel it’s only the children really or my friends who really give me this. DH and I enjoy some TV shows, travelling, talking about the kids, eating out but I honestly can’t say it’s ‘fun’ most of the time. His dad is exactly the same, can’t really talk to people at social functions, is awkward and generally not great company. DH (and dad) only seem to be fun, positive and relaxed when drinking but I actually end up finding this even more annoying. I have a lot of trauma from an alcoholic father so I find his personality changing when drunk just really grating. He isn’t an alcoholic but he did rely on it for stress relief and to have fun I feel.
I guess what I’m looking for is am I just being really unfair with my expectations? Does our marriage sound like it can survive? I can’t change his personality but can we try to work on these things together. How do I get him to listen to me rather than just getting so defensive and storming out etc.
Sorry for the long post but some of this has been eating away at me for years. Married for 8 years.

Dear OP, when reading your post it felt like it was me writing it some fifteen years ago. I see how you are downplaying it, just like I did. All I can tell you is this, it will not get better, only worse. He will be getting worse and you will be getting more and more resentful. In the end, you will probably leave him anyway, or maybe you will not, but you will not be a fun loving woman you are right now, you will become angry, resentful, grumpy and sad.

OP - your post if a bit jumbled but you do have a baby and a small child, so it’s understandable in a way.

I think what you are feeling/going through is natural in a way. When we need to pair up and find a father for our children within our fertility window - we inevitably make compromises and pick the best mate out of what we have available. And some of those compromises are catching up with you now -
(For eg: You are bubbly. He is serious. You knew that from the start. It only became important now)

Secondly, i think children change relationship dynamics - and i do think men annoy women more when we have tiny ones to take care of. Our supply of energy, care, patience etc gets refocused on kids - with not much left for the grown men next to us. And they at times feel like big needy kids themselves.

Finally - i do think people often expect their partners to be able to meet their needs on all life dimensions. As Lovers, fathers, friends, providers, partners in crime, etc. So if some dimension is not being met - some people feel their imperfect partners aren’t good enough…
(for eg - he is not the source of Fun in your life. If he is a great father otherwise; works hard; does his fair share - and you have friends foe fun - is it really that bad?)

So - back to can your marriage survive?

No one really knows.
It will of course depend on the two of you and how you get through young kids phase of your relationship - admittedly one of the hardest for a marriage.
If you feel resentment building up - it, of course, needs addressing. Have you thought about couples’s counselling - for eg.

As your relationship can probably use a bit of a tune-up.

But in general - to me you are not describing a bad, lost cause spouse. Or a bad relationship.

You seem to have communication issues - that might be possible to work through if both parties are willing.
(its unclear from your post what you argue about other than money and personal criticism)

Being emotionally dismissed is a slow death. I've just got out of a relationship like this, and it took me seeing how XH treated my DD to realise that he was also doing it to me. What a fucking idiot I was. I would say that the invalidation, the storming out and the telling you to fuck off are things that will destroy you. The other stuff is mostly incompatibility, not either person's fault necessarily.

I'm sure your marriage can survive if you want it to because from your description you are the one making the emotional compromises. But is that really how you want to live?

I don’t know why you married someone you’re not compatible with and who you can’t talk to- you can’t change who he is and it doesn’t seem as though you even like him

Really he dismisses you with fuck off
id be stashing cash
and getting ready to exit

Sometimes I feel my spirit is just being crushed

Mine would too if I was told to "fuck off" by my husband even just once.