Getting the trust back

[Loraf30]

Hi so first time posting here.

So I'm in a dilemma and really don't know what to do. I don't know if my past ( abusive relationships) are making my current realationship worse or if he is playing a major part in this.

Me and my partner have been together around 6 months. I'm struggling in the realationship at the moment. He has also lost him mom a month ago which obviously he is grieving.

But I've caught him out lying alot recently and the one thing I said to him when we got together is do not lie and do not cheat.
He hasn't cheated as far as I know but at this point from the amount of lies its hard to tell the truth and what's not

The lies have gone from somthing silly to hiding messages to his ex.( whom he split with 16 years ago) he does share 2 grown up daughters with.

But the texts are nothing I'd be worried about nothing flirty or anything but it's the fact he has lied about it that's hurt and we only had words about other lies a few weeks back and he promised me he would work on him. He says he's been single so long( many years ) that he's struggling to be in a realationship and realise there's 2 of us now.

Am I over reacting do I have a right to be mad and to be hurt that he's hid messages from his ex . They may not be bad but I asked him not to lie about messages her.

There's been other lies to little silly ones that he has no need to lie about.

I'm just at the end of my witts now as I feel so lost but I love him so much.

I'm now struggling to trust him and I know my past has a lot to do with this. I've been in 2 very abusive realationships which have been created on to so I struggle to trust he knew this yet still lied

He even told me I was iverthinking and it was all in my head to later find out he lied.

Please advice.

Tia 😊

Ditch him. You’re meant to be in the honeymoon stage, the fun, exciting, happy, getting to know you bit. While his bereavement complicates things that doesn’t seem to be related to his repeated lying. Once trust is gone in a long term committed relationship it can be fatal. So early on you’re just flogging a dead horse. Run away quickly I say.

Dump him

Why doesn’t he want to tell you about the texts? Has there been any argument about texts from his ex so now he’s cagey to avoid this?

Yes there has been a previous argument regarding texts to his ex. When we first met he told me this lady ruined his life and how much he hates her then a few weeks back whilst he was showing me somthing on his phone I saw a message to her and he'd been messaging her videos at a football game. Which I question why would he make small talk with the ex he hated. If it was regarding one of his adult children fair enough but seemed like he had lied about why they split. As when he was showing me somthing else he tried to hide the fact he messaged her by quickly scrolling.

I asked him to be honest about his communication from now ( I never asked to see any ) but he had told me just the other day he has had no communication with her. And that I was overthinking. He hadn't spoke since the last time when I saw the messages

When he has lied there's been quiet a few conversations since.
But its not just lies about the ex there's been many other occasions and silly lies about the pub or where he's been.

I knew when I got with him he likes to go out and there's no reason he needed to lie half time I never even asked him where he has been and he told me to later find out that he was somewhere else as someone else dropped him in it.

I just don't understand.

Coming out of an abusive relationship can make you question everything and that is normal. You need to decide if you have lost trust, can you get it back. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. How important trust and reassurance is to you. Ask him why he feels the need to hide messages from his ex and tell him how this makes you feel. It sounds like you both have insecurities. Try and compromise and keep working on things. It's a new relationship so don't let things get any worse. Trust your instinct. If doubt is still there it's probably best to move on. Good luck

I have had a conversation with him today but he just says he's been living alone and single for so long that he's trying to adjust to being with someone now.

He spends alot of time in the pub which doesn't help but I met him knowing this so I except he's never gonna fully stop .
I just hopes he would adjust a little . I get being single and your used to doing everything as you like then when you get into a realationship you have to adjust somewhat to share the time for your friends too.
I'd never stop or even try to stop that.

But it's the lies.
Thank you for your input
It means alot people replied

This sounds like far too much hard work for a relationship of six months. I married someone who told silly little lies. I was convinced that that was all it would ever be, 25 years later it turned out that the small lies had turned into huge lies and gas lighting and our relationship was a complete joke. I wouldn't take any chances again, find someone who values honesty and openness.

As often happens, the first answer was the right one. Dump and run. At six months it should all be good sex, lovely dates, chatting and getting to know, happiness.

Not this.

It sounds hard work. Already. I think it would exhaust me.

It's very exhausting but when we're good we're unbelievable and I can't day into words how much I love him but these last weeks have drained me and could be that he's grieving but also no need to lie. I feel like maybe he's turning to ex ( the very women he hated ) confiding in her when I seem to find out after everything else or things get dropped out by other people. He doesn't seem to confide on me but claims to not want to loose me.

I've told him actions speak louder than words. I need to see change I need to see he's got nothing to hide .
I want open and honesty.

I want to make this work but I'm at a loss to how. I feel my past is impacting me also ... a few times I've found myself saying some horrible things when I've been so mad and I understand that's my toxic trait. In some ways I know my past is impacting me and I am dealing with that , I am trying but I don't feel he is

when we're good we're unbelievable and I can't day into words how much I love him

You have been fooled by Disney, the patriarchy and your own trauma into thinking this is the important bit. It isn't. The important bit is whether he is a decent person at the HARDEST times. Anyone could be good through the good bits. He is not.

You can choose to be treated like crap. But don't fool yourself thinking it's some Romeo and Juliet bollocks. It's just bog standard some bloke being an arsehole.

If it's not making you happy then end it. For your sake. It's not worth it.

My exh was like this. Too invoked with his ex even though she apparently destroyed him. It stays with you. He is abusive and she ended up being an absolute nightmare - also abusive.

It shouldn't be this hard work. You're only 6 months in. Don't make it 6 years.

Nope. You’ve been dating a matter of weeks, there should be no ‘I really want to make this work’, or arguing. Solely sex, dates, chats, fun. Relationships are not for fighting, lying, drama, or any of this shite. Bin him, enjoy life.

I've been there with him messaging the ex! They had no kids but I personally think it's an emotional thing that people do when they haven't let go. Phones have made it so much easier to stalk amd keep in touch with people you really shouldn't need contact with. It ruins relationships. If you can't trust him you need to trust your gut and why it's screaming at you.

Being honest about even little things is respect!

Bingo.

Honestly, how much can you fully know and therefore truly "love" someone after just 6 months? Lust yes, infatuation yes, but true deep knowing love, accepting all faults and working together as a team? That takes time and experience together.

You should be at the fun, can't keep hands off each other, stage not the angsty stage! Far too much hard work.

Bin! Next!

I think he probably feels under pressure from you. I have a feeling that your past relationships made you a bit insecure and it seems that you express some jealousive and controlling behaviour.
His ex is the mother of his two daughters. He must communicate with her and she will always be part of his life. If they wanted to be together, they would. They don’t. Re pub etc little lies wonder If he says those to avoid jealousy.
Sorry OP, I don’t think he will stay long and you probably need to get some therapy to work on past trauma.

The lies are not good obviously but why are you policing his texts?

If I were him, that would be a red flag from you.

Perhaps he lied because he knew he would get an earful from you about the texts and didn't want the hassle.

But yes, the relationship sounds like it's not going anywhere. You don't trust him and he's hiding things from you. It's over.

The happiness of your relationship will slowly diminish from here on in.

People don't turn into liars because they've 'been single for a long time'! He's just a no good liar!

You already put the expectation of 'no lies' in place. He's let you down on that but you're now putting up with his crap rather than saying a firm no to his shenanigans.

Do yourself a favour and dump him now before this shit gets any worse.

I'm not policing his texts both times I've spotted messages after he was showing ne somthing else. Then whilst he was showing me he's acted sktecthy .

I've never asked to go through his phone never tried to in any way
If I was asking him on a daily or sneakily trying to go through his phone I can understand .

I had a text from someone I used to date earlier on in the year whom which my partner knows off
I showed him the message straight away as I believe in honesty. But he still went ballistic at me .

I know I have a few toxic traits in which I am working on through not fault of my own. I've done councillng.

Getting into your first rship after so many toxic ones is hard.

But I believe sometimes the right person would understand this