Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I Owe Him Friendship ?!

27 replies

JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 19:41

Met exH 16 years ago, we divorced three years ago but attempted a reconciliation earlier this year, stupid me, I was feeling lonely and depressed. Anyway, it hasn’t worked out and after six months I managed to throw him out last week.
He’s an alcoholic, not violent but can be quite manipulative in other ways. He’ll work for a bit (tradesman), give me a bit of money towards bills & rent and then not have any work for weeks or sometimes months. He did absolutely nothing around the home. Special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas were mainly ignored by him, he’d come on holiday if I paid for it and then whinge the whole time about the price of everything, how crowded everywhere was blah blah. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa for months.
There’s a ton more I could write here ! But I’m sure that you get the gist - he brought nothing to the table.
I’m a full time carer for my adult DD (she isn’t his) who is an absolute sweetheart and I also work part time. With my wages plus various disability benefits we manage ok but he was a complete drain on everything - financially and emotionally.
I did something stupid when we got back together though, I took out a loan in my name to buy him a car (I know, I know). He’s got the car, now I’m stuck with paying for the finance plus insurance. What can I do about that ? Does anyone know ?
I’ve spoken on the phone to him for about 10 minutes since I threw him out. He has a few things in a storage unit (which, you’ve guessed it, I pay for) that he will need eventually so we’re going to have to sort that out at some point (tools, but not needed urgently), he keeps trying to ring me, says he needs to speak to me urgently but I really, really want him to leave me alone.
He says I’m his ‘best friend’ - I mean, I’m not am I ?! I’m his ex wife who he treated terribly… why would I want to speak to him ?! He doesn’t have any support, no family, his adult son and a few friends live in another part of the country and to be honest they don’t have much contact with him but it’s all his own doing, his sole focus is alcohol.
But do I owe him a friendship ? When I do speak to him he ties me up in knots and my urge is to want to help him - I don’t get why I’m like this ! This is how he wheedled his way back six months ago. God, I could kick myself.
I keep thinking what if he does something like take his own life and I could stop that happening just by agreeing to be friends with him … but what about what I want for myself and my DD ? A quiet life doing what we want to do, where the bills and rent are paid without a struggle and the house is tidy without empty cans, bottles and wine boxes thrown under the bed or in a pile in a corner of the room ?

OP posts:
AnnoyingPopUp · 24/10/2023 19:46

You don’t owe him anything.

Does HE owe YOU friendship? Thought not.

if he chooses to kill himself, that will be HIS choice.

Flowers
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/10/2023 19:55

Take the car off him, sell it and pay off some of the loan.

Stop paying for his insurance and storage

Then block him on everything

HopeFloatsAbove · 24/10/2023 20:01

No you do not own him your friendship. But I understand it can be so hard to let go of it, for both parties. Its breakup for the second time for him and so he is going to think that some time down the line you will give him another go if he does the right thing. But the kindest thing for you both is to let go.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/10/2023 20:07

No you owe him nothing

seek support from Al-anon, advice on the car loan from CAB, cancel the storage locker and dump his stuff outside his home.

then block and enjoy a quiet life. Any threats of suicide, call police to do a welfare check.

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 20:14

You bought an alcoholic a car?!? FFS. Take it off him and sell it/speak to the loan company who may buy it back. The person who buys the car owns it, not the registered keeper. If he continues to drive then report him to the police for drink driving and pray to god he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime.

Give him one month to clear the storage unit or he pays for it. Make sure that is in written form. After one month throw his items away and cease paying for unit.

OfficerChurlish · 24/10/2023 20:28

Even if this person had treated you well overall and you wanted him in your life as a friend at some point in the future - a full, no-exceptions break/no contact period is often recommended after a breakup, at least until the wounds are less raw. With this relationship's specific history, you should probably avoid any contact with him for now. The reasons for there to be contact between you seem relatively minor and not urgent - can you restrict communication to email, or is there a mutual friend who might be willing to act as a go-between short term, if needed?

Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 20:55

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 20:14

You bought an alcoholic a car?!? FFS. Take it off him and sell it/speak to the loan company who may buy it back. The person who buys the car owns it, not the registered keeper. If he continues to drive then report him to the police for drink driving and pray to god he doesn't kill anyone in the meantime.

Give him one month to clear the storage unit or he pays for it. Make sure that is in written form. After one month throw his items away and cease paying for unit.

Part of his ruse to get me back was to say that he'd got help and had stopped drinking. It was a lie, of course, but by then it was too late, car was purchased and he had his feet under the table again.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 20:58

OfficerChurlish · 24/10/2023 20:28

Even if this person had treated you well overall and you wanted him in your life as a friend at some point in the future - a full, no-exceptions break/no contact period is often recommended after a breakup, at least until the wounds are less raw. With this relationship's specific history, you should probably avoid any contact with him for now. The reasons for there to be contact between you seem relatively minor and not urgent - can you restrict communication to email, or is there a mutual friend who might be willing to act as a go-between short term, if needed?

Thanks for this.
I want no contact with him, not even this sham 'friend' thing that he reckons we are to each other now. There's no need beyond sorting a time for him to fetch his last few bits and I can't do that yet as he's staying in a B&B for now.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 21:04

Did you see the rest of my post? The owner is the one who pays/paid for it, not the registered keeper. If you are paying then you can legally take it off him. I would suggest telling the police before you do to avoid any stolen car reports. Go get it back.

wildwestpioneer · 24/10/2023 21:07

Ask him for the car back. If he says no, sell his tools and use the money to pay off some of the loan

Hibambinos · 24/10/2023 21:08

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/10/2023 19:55

Take the car off him, sell it and pay off some of the loan.

Stop paying for his insurance and storage

Then block him on everything

Yes. This.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2023 21:11

Get the car back, immediately, before he kills someone drink driving with a vehicle you own.

Riva5784 · 24/10/2023 21:15

I want no contact with him, not even this sham 'friend' thing that he reckons we are to each other now. There's no need beyond sorting a time for him to fetch his last few bits and I can't do that yet as he's staying in a B&B for now.

He doesn't need to fetch anything. Give his possessions to a friend/family member to pass along to him. Where he stays is not your concern anymore.

TattoedLady · 24/10/2023 21:21

You owe him nothing. Concentrate, as you are, on rebuilding a nice life for you and your daughter.

Cancel the storage contract and insurance (let your ex know the car insurance is cancelled so he doesn't drive it). Take back the car, sell it and recoup some of your losses.

SpringleDingle · 24/10/2023 21:51

You are still making yourself responsible for him. The fact that he is in a B&B doesn’t mean you can’t insist he collects his stuff or it gets junked. His issues are not yours to solve. Put a bit of steel in the backbone and get him out of your life once and for all .. you’ll thank yourself for it down the line!

CaroleSinger · 24/10/2023 22:01

Can you get the car back? Is it in his name?

Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:06

INeedAnotherName · 24/10/2023 21:04

Did you see the rest of my post? The owner is the one who pays/paid for it, not the registered keeper. If you are paying then you can legally take it off him. I would suggest telling the police before you do to avoid any stolen car reports. Go get it back.

Yes, I did read it, thanks - I knew that, I am paying for it and I am also the registered keeper, the insurance is also in my name and he is a named driver.
I found the spare key the other day so if he doesn't want to give it up willingly then I can take it and drive it away regardless.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:07

wildwestpioneer · 24/10/2023 21:07

Ask him for the car back. If he says no, sell his tools and use the money to pay off some of the loan

That's a brilliant idea ! Thank you !

OP posts:
Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:12

Riva5784 · 24/10/2023 21:15

I want no contact with him, not even this sham 'friend' thing that he reckons we are to each other now. There's no need beyond sorting a time for him to fetch his last few bits and I can't do that yet as he's staying in a B&B for now.

He doesn't need to fetch anything. Give his possessions to a friend/family member to pass along to him. Where he stays is not your concern anymore.

There isn't anyone, unfortunately, the one or two friends he does have all live over three hours drive away.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:12

CaroleSinger · 24/10/2023 22:01

Can you get the car back? Is it in his name?

I can get it, it's in my name.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:14

SpringleDingle · 24/10/2023 21:51

You are still making yourself responsible for him. The fact that he is in a B&B doesn’t mean you can’t insist he collects his stuff or it gets junked. His issues are not yours to solve. Put a bit of steel in the backbone and get him out of your life once and for all .. you’ll thank yourself for it down the line!

Thank you ... but there's plenty of steel in this backbone, I threw him out finally, didn't I ? 😉

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 24/10/2023 22:58

JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 22:07

That's a brilliant idea ! Thank you !

Show quote history

dont do this. You don’t have an automatic right in law to sell his stuff to meet a debt (which you have neither claimed or established at this point) and so very likely this would be theft ( as there is n intention to permanently deprive him of the property). If you seriously want to do this then please get legal advice so you can at least establish a chain of a claim before you start trying to sell his stuff.

Original poster
JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 23:05

Keepingthingsinteresting · 24/10/2023 22:58

dont do this. You don’t have an automatic right in law to sell his stuff to meet a debt (which you have neither claimed or established at this point) and so very likely this would be theft ( as there is n intention to permanently deprive him of the property). If you seriously want to do this then please get legal advice so you can at least establish a chain of a claim before you start trying to sell his stuff.

Show quote history

If he refused to hand the car over ? The loan and the logbook are both in my name - what about then ?
I probably wouldn't anyway but it could be a good bargaining tool if he wants to try and keep hold of the car.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 24/10/2023 23:38

JoanCandy · 24/10/2023 23:05

If he refused to hand the car over ? The loan and the logbook are both in my name - what about then ?
I probably wouldn't anyway but it could be a good bargaining tool if he wants to try and keep hold of the car.

Show quote history

Try and use it as a bargaining tool, but don’t do it without proper legal advice. As I said you don’t have a right to sell his stuff without establishing title over it & then giving him the opportunity to sort out the situation (or, if you prefer, two wrongs don’t make a right!). You might be able to establish a lien then sell , but that isn’t a one text and done thing and if he rocks up to the police saying you sold his stuff and he can provide it was his it will be you in the wrong, at least in the first instance.

If the car os in your name and you bought it then take the spare key and repossess it yourself, that would be less risky legally ( assuming he is no personal risk to you).

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2023 23:43

Send him text messages to demand the car be returned. If he doesn't, report the car as stolen. He will give it back then, I assure you.