Cheating

[MariaRose25]

I have a bit of a moral dilemma and wanted some opinions.

Someone I have been friends with in the past has recently reconnected with me. I have know this man for 12 years.

He has had some recent tragedy and bereavements - and I understand the issues he is experiencing from things that have happened in my own life and he has indicated he wants to rekindle the friendship.

However. It has transpired that he cheated on his wife, via a full blown affair. The wife subsequently became terminally ill. And sadly died.

This person wants to be friends with me. After a period of intermittent contact over the past 5-6 years. I did not know about the wife - which makes me feel very uncomfortable - that I have met up with and messaged this person without this knowledge. And no - there has not been anything untoward between us during this period- other than the fact I have been speaking with someone who is lying in quite a serious way about their life - whoppers!

Given the affairs - it seems plausible that I was just another ego boost and I find this very distasteful. It shows some serious character defects. I have long suspected he has NPD - which seems likely given this sad tale of woe and his horrendous behaviour.

Before the wife died, the relationship was utterly miserable due to his poor choices and she was plagued and haunted by the affair - meaning that her final years were spent in a great deal of emotional pain and distress. Only to then become ill. And pass away. Its grim. No way round that at all.

I am struggling to see any good in this person whatsoever. This all sticks in my throat and I find him and the entire situation to be abhorrent, if I am honest.

But I feel slightly guilty that I am turning my back. He is clearly unwell, mentally. Broken. And suffering quite badly due to the stupid, foolish and unwise choices he has made.

I dont know what to say to them. And really, I just want them gone.

Ironically - what caused the friendship to dissolve in the first place was the fact that I had my own tragic circumstances around 10 years ago -and this person was nowhere to be seen!

However. I seem to be bumping into this person on a regular basis which is difficult to manage - I have stayed polite so far. But I want to say FUCK OFF.

I suppose what I want to hear is that I am well within my rights to turn my back with no guilt and walk away. Which is what I want to do really.

I want nothing to do with them. At all. But part of me feels bad. Please tell me to get a grip!

Yes, you need to get a grip ! He sounds like a vile individual, don’t go there.

@MariaRose25, he’s trying to reel you in to be his narcissistic supply. If you value your emotional health, you’ll walk away and not look back.

You need to protect yourself before being there for someone else

These people are dangerous & makes people's lives miserable

Don't take the chance of him doing that to you

Thank you all

@DustyLee123 yes he is vile. I think what makes it hard is that i feel complicit in some way. As she was dying he was actively trying to make me believe he was single. And pursuing a relationship, basically. Which is indeed, vile.

@MsDogLady Yes I agree. It wont work though.

@NotNowGertrude Yes you are also right. If he is capable of doing that to the woman he stood up and committed to, in front of friends and family - there isnt much he wouldnt do to anyone.

Its been helpful to get it all out.

Jesus. You aren’t responsible for him. Why do some women feel like that about utterly awful men (usually).

just don’t be friends with him. Life doesn’t need to be this complex you know.

@AMuser thank you - yes, you are right. I think I feel sullied by it all - had I known about the dying wife - he was actively in touch with me during her final days and I feel dirty.

Like I say- he continues to try and insert himself into my life. Which keeps dragging it all up for me.

Like I say -so far I have tried to be polite, simply as I dont want the drama. But really I just want to say fuck off!

He's absolutely vile, which thankfully you can see. As women we can sometimes be programmed to be people pleasers, I'm realising this is true about myself as the years go on. Are you scared to tell him you don't want any more to do with him?

@Dotty87 Thank you

I am not scared. It is more the guilt - because he is clearly in a bad place and at one time were friends. Its just a shame he fucks over everyone and anyone in his life - this time its caught up with him. And he is paying a high price this time.

It is just chickens coming home to roost that have been on their way for some years - it just arrived at this point. Its all a culmination of him acting like a cunt for a long time. Its finally got him. Its been coming for years.

He is a classic victim. Blames everyone else. And then cant work out why it all goes wrong. this time he cant really blame anyone else - and the house of sand has collapsed under his feet. And he cant hack it basically.

I've already distanced myself but he keeps appearing places I am to try and insert himself in my life. Because he wants to rekindle a friendship that I dont really want. And he doesnt have any friends - having already fucked over everyone else in his life really.

its harder to say fuck off to someone in person. However. I have blocked him everywhere today and Im going to just ignore it.

Sometimes it is just karma. He has to live with what he has done and the resulting consequences that I no longer want anything to do with him.

Yes OP get a grip. When I read this post I thought I knew the person you are talking about because this is exactly what happened to my sister.
The guy is a selfish self serving shit. Tell him to do one

@Rosiem2808 Sadly I am sure there is more than one of these characters walking the Earth. But yes. My guilt has gone after writing it out!

I think he knows that you're less likely to ignore him in person, he's hoping to wear you down until you accept him back into your life. Unfortunately I think some awkwardness is needed in the short term, the longer he keeps (basically) stalking you the harder it will be.

@MariaRose25 You know what you should (shouldn't) do but I'm happy to clarify - this sounds like a terrible situation to be involved in at all. Stay as far away as possible xx

Would it be worth texting him something like Hi X, on consideration I am not going to resume any kind of friendship with you. Please do not contact me again.' and then block.

It might stop him popping up.

If he does approach you in person and speak to you, just say 'good afternoon X' and then physically turn away from him to speak to someone else, rummage in your bag, fake a phone call, and ignore.

Its always a nightmare with narcs.

Best to just go cold on him and ignore rather than try and explain

Block him on all channels