Why Can I Not Get Over Him

[lplx]

I was with my first boyfriend for 3 years.

We split up. I never moved on and never got over him. Think, 10/11 years on talking to my mum and friends about him, missing him and feeling his energy.

About 11 years later we bumped into eachother (both single) and started seeing eachother again. It was more casual in terms of labels but we spent the night with eachother 4/5 times a week, went out, helped eachother. It was naturally magnetic as it was when we were young.

He disrespected me alot of times and i forgave him each time. He came crawling back with everything you could want to hear, only to repeat it a few weeks later.

Our second 'relationship' lasted longer than the first but with alot of mess on his part. Im no angel, im very oversensitive and played down my feelings because i felt embarassed.

We finally parted ways and im a heartbroken teenager all over again. I adore the bones of him even if he's a crap partner and person. He gaslit me, would say things and deny it, tell me he loves me then said it was in my head - i literally have the messages.

I have spent my whome life in love with someone who cannot love me back and im devestated. How can i get over him? I dont want to date or move on. Can barely get out of bed. I need help.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP. The answer is therapy to help you regain your self esteem and self respect and address a possibly obsessive way of thinking. Do you find you fixate similarly on other things in life? No one human being (or thing) should occupy your mind and your thoughts in this way - even if he was the best man on earth. It's not really about him anymore but your own mind - call your GP and get a referral or if you can afford it go private. It will be the best money you spend if it stops you wasting another decade of your life on things that don't benefit you.

you like the fantasy of what he could be - and the time itself of the first go round.

But really - hes a twat. Bin it off.

Lay in bed for a while. Dont try and move on. for now.

But the day will come where you will. Sun always rises.

I was just so happy to have my first love back and its gone again. He was crap but i loved him.

We ended 5 months ago and i have been to the doctor for some antidepressants.

Have read up on ‘lovebombing’ and see if you relate. If he lovebombed you in the early days then treated you like crap, you will have been sucked in by the ‘nice guy’ and hoped against hope that he would come back…the nasty, gaslighting git is his true self. You need to hold on to that. Therapy like person-centred counselling can help but somatic therapy can help with the recovery.
I found writing a list of all the awful things my H (now XH thank God!) did really helpful to get it out of my head.

What is/was your relationship with your Dad like?

I do wonder if we "latch on" to people who are like a parent, and find those relationships very hard to get over.

Oh God, OP - what a waste of your youth to have spent 10-11 years pining over him and then get sucked back into a further relationship with him and have him waste yet more of your time.

Getting over first love is hard - it's particularly intense because you're young and all the emotions are new but most of us don't stay with our first loves forever and for many of us the first love relationship ends before we're ready. I was with my first love for nearly 3 years and then he ended the relationship.

It's fine to hurt and pine for a bit - a year, 18 months even (although the pain and pining should be gradually lessening during that time). Ultimately, though, you had a responsibility to move on - life is not a dress rehearsal and we only get one shot at it - and it sounds like you made no attempt to do that. It's unfortunate that your family and friends were even letting you talk about him 10-11 years after you had split up because there's absolutely no way you should still have been pining for him then and no way you and those around you should have been indulging those feelings for him. That should have been nipped in the bud many years previously.

So, at some level, it has suited you to stay stuck. As a PP said - it is probably because of something you learned about relationships growing up. Therapy would probably be helpful if you can get it. You might find it helpful to read about love addiction/avoidance addiction which are two sides of the same coin - because for that whole decade when you were mooning over him (your love addiction), there were almost certainly various available, reliable and lovely young men wanting to be with you, whom you were ignoring (your avoidance addiction). At some level it suited you to avoid the true intimacy and commitment that comes with a reliable, functional partner.

It’s not too late to get a grip of this but it requires proper effort from you to take responsibility for moving on.

@Dery Bit harsh!

you seem very hung up on attachment theory - have you read this somewhere?

And yet? Are preaching about people 'not being allowed'?

who put you in charge?!

If something is healthy for us, it makes us feel good. If something is bad it makes us feel off! When you've had someone throw a million roses at you and tell you that they've never felt this way before, to then start lying to you. Borrowing money. Blowing hot and cold. Talking online to other women. Finding ways to argue..putting you down. Withholding affection (the list goes on) you end up in a state of never knowing what's coming. It's toxic!

Adults are supposed to be mature. Playing emotional games to get money or sex or ego fed is narcisstic and abusive. Saying you love someone is meant to be real.

I would strongly advice a therapist. Because you maybe trauma bonded. Co dependant. Depressed. Abused etc. I went to a therapist after I split from an idiot who left me walking around for months angry and thinking of him all the time. He took over my brain. 8 months on he bluddy returned and it was a quick fix. I still regret it now. I would have been in a much happier healthier place if I hadn't fallen for it a second time.

The penny will drop. But you need to put the work in x

That you say you still had not got over him after 10/11 years, shows its a MH problem you have. Really not normal behaviour and also the putting up with poor behaviour from him even when you can see it.
It's you not him, so you need therapy, as does anyone who says they feel love for someone who is horrible to them in return. Its not love, its obsession.

@Opentooffers again -another harsh one.

Normal? whats that again?

@MrsDaniFilth - you’re right - I was harsh. I could have been gentler and I apologise for that.

Sorry, @lplx - there was a lack of humility in my reply and God knows there is loads I would do differently second time around. I do think it’s sad that you have lost so much time over someone who’s let you down. I do think there are reasons/explanations for staying stuck which merit examination. Once you understand those reasons better, you should be free to move on which is clearly what you want to be able to do and why you posted. I guess what I mean is the power to get over him is in your hands - you just need to discover it.

@Dery Fair. i agree re being stuck. But i also think these things have to work themselves through. It takes time. And its hard.