Trying to end my marriage

[NewUsernameJT]

This has been going on for months and im getting no where. He’s refusing to even have a conversation. He gets all mad and angry and turns it round onto my shortcomings and gets me all muddled up. Its frustrating. Ive kept to the same narrative about when we’re separated, living apart etc. but when i try to sit down and have a conversation, its like I’ve dropped the bombshell all over again and its news to him 🤦🏻‍♀️ anyway, ive tried to do things in a nice gentle way but it’s clearly not working. I dont want to fall out for the sake of the kids but its like im banging my head on a brick wall. Any advise?

background is hes a drinker, very selfish person, prioritises himself over the family. Were at the point where hes living a single life whilst going out with mates whilst im left with kids/drudge. Both work full time, currently rent. Do have a little in savings

He doesn't want to do anything that isn't going to benefit him.

Go to a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Some people aren't worth trying to converse with rationally.

I dont want to fall out for the sake of the kids

that ship has sailed

You can start the divorce process online for £600, very easy to do. But there is a 20 week cooling off period so don't delay. It's a long time to wait (trust me).

Speak to a solicitor to know your rights, you only need a one off consultation to start with. Knowledge will give you the confidence to carry on with it.

You live in rented. If he won't move out then you need to. Check your tenancy agreement/contact landlord to see if you can be released early due to marriage breakdown. Do you have enough saved for another deposit/rent?

Get copies of all financial statements of bank accounts, savings, pensions, loans, credit card debt, car ownership etc. Keep yours and chikdrens birth certificates, passports and marriage certificate with a trusted person/place.

Remember. He does not have to agree to a divorce before you can go ahead. The law changed last April to a no fault system.

He may change when he realises you mean it, either getting better and making promises or getting worse.

May not work in your situation but I told my EX that if he left I'd keep things open and see how we got on. If he gave me no choice but to leave he'd never see me or the children again. (they didn't want to see him anyway). So he left, long time ago but I still keep in touch to kinda look after him when he's in bother!

What are you expecting?

It's not in his interests to take you seriously - he can just ignore you and carry on.

You don't need his agreement to splitting up - you just need to put the wheels in motion, file for divorce.

Are you hoping he'll move out? He may not co-operate. It might be that you will need to end the joint tenancy and find somewhere else for yourself and the kids if it's a private rental. How long is the tenancy? If it's social housing, I would speak to your housing officer about what to do next.

Iv just got back with dh who was a drunk he stop when he released I ment it and couldn't go living like that iv only been living back home 4 days he can't do enough for me but I fell like spark gone between us isn't the family you can live with till you get all sorted I have children aswell I know its hard to do and be by yourself maby he just needs a wake up call to change or maby he never will but don't put up with like I have iv been in this mess for 12 years

What are you hoping he'll do?

Have you seen a solicitor?

You're going to have to get tough, op. He's just deliberately gaslighting and stonewalling you. You need to get your kids out of this environment, so move out as quickly as you can, see a solicitor, and then start the divorce process. You don't need his permission to divorce him.

Id just love for him to get the message and move on. I mean, if he said to me, i dont feel the same anymore and want to split up- id have been upset but accepted it. I wouldnt stick around in this horrible atmosphere!

you are right though. The time has come to stop being so nice. Its a shame, it really doesn’t have to be like this

You can still be nice by being fair but you seem to be waiting on him to decide rather than taking control of your life. He doesn't want to move out so that means you have to. He doesn't want to start the divorce so that means you have to. Kindly, you are both trying to take the easy way out but if you want change then you have to be proactive. Start planning how you are going to achieve it, check legalities, then go for it. Good luck

@NewUsernameJT - you want him to make it easy for you to leave. That’s understandable but not realistic. You need to crack on with separating anyway. You can do that knowing you have tried your best to have a civil conversation about what’s happening. It’s right that you’re remaining in the family home but, just in terms of how he might be feeling, it must be very painful to have to continue to live with a person who has rejected you and that might also be why he’s avoiding the conversation.

He doesn't want things to change, he has a great life. Doing his own thing and family life when it suits him. Withdraw. Get all your ducks in a row and go get legal advice. He doesn't get to decide your future. You do!!!