Is a year long crush a reason to split?

[Confused29854]

I have become obsessed with someone else and the feelings aren’t going anywhere. Nothing is going to happen as I am married and so is he, but these feelings have lasted a year now.

I’ve been bored and unhappy in my marriage for years but my DH is a lovely, good man: just not the one for me. It’s the classic ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ scenario.

I am in turmoil about whether to divorce or not- but surely having a year long infatuation with someone must mean that my marriage isn’t right for me any more? Or is it not that simple?

It's not that simple. Look to what's missing in your life right now. You're searching for something else, not this other man!

You might just be missing the new relationship feeling - only you know if your marriage is right for you or not. Why not try some counselling to see if you can get to the bottom of your feelings.

No. You will get over it soon and wonder “what was I thinking?”.

Science says that on average we have 6 crashes through our married life. It’s past of human evolution. Nature didn’t create us to be monogamous. In today’s civilised society we are suosed to be, but our subconscious and human nature says something different.

I feel for you, I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s very painful. How long have you been married and do you have children?

Name change for this. Very similar situation, I am in the process of leaving my husband now after having a long crush on a colleague. Again, no chance of anything happening there as he is also married, there have been no improprieties of any kind. But when I stopped feeling guilty about the crush and tuned into what it was trying to tell me, I learnt some very useful things - there's no attraction in my marriage, there's no space in my relationship for my feelings, my people pleasing tendencies have led me to take responsibility for STBXH's emotions for years and my needs have been secondary. And so it gave me the clarity I needed to figure out what I need to do. I'm moving out in two weeks and absolutely sure this is the right thing for me.

This is so unfair to your DH. Tell him the truth and let him move on.

I think figure out what’s wrong in your marriage or your life that’s making you feel unfulfilled and work on that.
but if you’re not going to do that you should leave, because it’s not fair to your DH, how would you feel if this was the other way round.

However you can end your relationship at any point you want, crush or not.

I don’t think we’re helpless to these things. I loved crushes when I was single but since I got married I do what I can to suppress them.

All relationships have ebbs and flows and you have to invest in your partnership. You can choose whether to have your head turned or to turn towards your marriage partner.

Do you have children?

I find crushes last for about 18 months - 2 years, so still having one after one year is normal.

Agree that I think a year is quite short for a crush. They usually go away in the end.

The sure thing from a crush of a year is that you live in fantasyland, you neither confessed to the crush nor to your husband, just living a lovestory in your head. I think crushes happen when we are stressed or feeling empty about life. You train yourself to escape to thoughts of your crush and it gives you a euphoric rush, the highs and lows of when they give you attention or when they ignore you. It's like a Mexican soap opera in your head. It distracts you from your problems.
Crushes also happen when you don't really know them so your mind has full reign to fill in any gaps or missing info however you like and want to imagine them. you're crushing on an impossible person that your mind invented.
so this is about you primarily and your own dissatisfaction with your life.

If you dont have children separate, if you have children talk to your husband and try to bring the spark back.

That’s one of the best comments I have read about crashes and it’s spot on.

I have had two crashes during my marriage, both during periods of my life that I was highly stressed. Both people I didn’t know very well and both people that it was difficult sth to happen between us. Brain plays weird games to help you survive.

Crushes can highlight what is missing from your relationship. In that sense they can be useful.

However, it's perfectly possible to invest time and energy into your marriage, particularly if you're married to a "lovely good man", to bring it back on track.

I think if you have children it is always worth trying to work on your marriage first. There's a saying that "if the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to start watering your own grass".

You can talk to your husband about how you feel you are stuck in a rut and see whether you can come up with anything together to make things more exciting. I think you can be honest about how you don't feel fulfilled in the marriage and a truly "lovely good man" will be willing to work on the marriage with you to bring it to a better place.

Many people on this thread will give you advice about leaving, but I want to make the point that yes it's possible to get over a crush and yes it's possible to bring the spark back into a faltering relationship.

I'll mirror what PPs have said and say, a crush is often just highlighting what you're missing, or even what you think you're missing. Quite often, the grass is definitely not greener.
You need to focus on your marriage. It's not the crush that's the issue, it's your current relationship with your husband.
There's actually a really good book called, Too good to leave, too bad to stay ( or possibly the other way round)..read it if you can, it's an eye opener and definitely helps get perspective..

"I’ve been bored and unhappy in my marriage for years"

This is the reason to split. The crush is just a symptom.

Your husband may be lovely, but you're not happy with him. He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to split up with him.