Advice please !

Anon333 · 2023-10-23T11:02:08+00:00

Hello, A 6 month relationship has just ended. I am totally devastated. He has told me he is not over his ex fully. I haven't been in this situation before. Does anyone have any experience of this ? And does anyone have any experience of whether someone is able to get over their ex and come back to the relationship in time ? I am desperate for that to happen. Some positive stories of that would also be great.

Ianz · 23/10/2023 12:06

It's not going to be what you want to hear but you have honestly dodged a bullet and you should move on. Why would you want to be with someone who's still not over their ex ? I mean the minute she says to him let's get back together he will throw you away!

Olika · 23/10/2023 12:17

You shouldn't want to be with someone who isn't ready and fully in a relationship with you. Life is too short to waste with wrong people.

Original poster

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 12:29

Ianz · 23/10/2023 12:06

It's not going to be what you want to hear but you have honestly dodged a bullet and you should move on. Why would you want to be with someone who's still not over their ex ? I mean the minute she says to him let's get back together he will throw you away!

They 100% definitely will not be getting back together. For various reasons.
He has told me he's not over her which I'm very upset and annoyed at after 6 months ! I'm not sure why he didn't realise much sooner.
But I am extremely hurt and cut up. Lots of tears every day at the moment and also a lot of weight loss.

He told me once he has got her out of his system and is over her that he would like to try dating again if I'm still available. I love him and I have no intention of actively looking for anyone else, not least because I'm heartbroken. Does anyone think it's a possibility that what he is saying is true ? Could he really get over and try again wjh me ?

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 23/10/2023 12:35

He's just not that in to you. And he's done the best thing by breaking up with you rather than stringing you along for longer. If there is no chance they will reconcile (why) then he is telling you that he's not ready and doesn't feel the same as you do. Move on.

SaracensMavericks · 23/10/2023 12:38

Sorry OP, but in my experience this may not be true and is something people say to let you down gently. It really means he just isn't into you.

Ianz · 23/10/2023 12:40

Honestly speaking from a man's point of view. He is just stringing you along. that's just another way of saying he doesn't want to be with you or in a serious relationship. Do you honestly think he's going on a healing journey to get better? It took him six months to discover he is still not over her? he is going to be celibate until he is over his ex ? How would he know he is finally over her ? Honestly, this is affecting your mental and physical health and you really need to pick yourself up !

yellowsmileyface · 23/10/2023 12:47

It's not going to be what you want to hear, but it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you and he's using not being over his ex as an excuse. As you say, if that's the case why didn't he realise sooner that he wasn't over her?

He told me once he has got her out of his system and is over her that he would like to try dating again if I'm still available

This just sounds like he wants to keep you on the hook in case he gets bored/horny/lonely, and it's cruel of him to get your hopes up like that. Please don't put off meeting anyone else in the hopes he'll want to start things up again.

Original poster

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 12:47

mondaytosunday · 23/10/2023 12:35

He's just not that in to you. And he's done the best thing by breaking up with you rather than stringing you along for longer. If there is no chance they will reconcile (why) then he is telling you that he's not ready and doesn't feel the same as you do. Move on.

I appreciate you say its better than stringing ms along for longer but we were together for 6 months and were very close. I appreciate some people may find a short relationship not that significant but its been the worst breakup I've had in years. Despite being together for 6 months I am truly heartbroken. I can't eat, I've lost a stone in weight, I'm crying each and every day without fail, I don't want to leave the house . I am heartbroken.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 12:50

Ianz · 23/10/2023 12:40

Honestly speaking from a man's point of view. He is just stringing you along. that's just another way of saying he doesn't want to be with you or in a serious relationship. Do you honestly think he's going on a healing journey to get better? It took him six months to discover he is still not over her? he is going to be celibate until he is over his ex ? How would he know he is finally over her ? Honestly, this is affecting your mental and physical health and you really need to pick yourself up !

He is a single parent and he said he needs to learn how to be a single parent and how to keep on top of all the housework/cooking/cleaning/childcare. He said his ex and him shared all of the jobs ans tasks and he can't keep his head above water doing it all without help. He said he gets home from work and is overwhelmed that he has to do everything and there is no extra pair of hands anymore. He said without her help the house is a state, there is no food shopping in for the kids, he cant keep on top of the kids ironig etc. He said he needs to get his house and life in order , start from scratch again on his own and then we can try again...

OP posts:

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 12:54

OP - we’ve all been here. Trying to read into things to give yourself hope…

People give all sorts of bullshit excuses when they break up with you but what you have to register is that he HAS broken up with you. Forget his excuse.

Take some time to heal. Cry, eat ice cream, watch Thelma and Louise and let your love slowly turn to resentment and hate.

You don’t want to be in a relationship long term where you’re more invested than him. You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them x

Dery · 23/10/2023 13:05

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Heartbreak is a bastard.

I had been going to say that if 6 months of a close and loving relationship with you weren’t enough to persuade him that he’s over his ex, then it’s unclear to me how he would ever know he’s over her.

However, based on your update, it sounds like he is just too busy to have a relationship right now.

I don’t think hanging on to hope that he will return will help you. Probably best to assume that he won’t. In a sense it doesn’t matter either way for now because you’re not ready to start dating anyone else just yet anyway. For now, feel your feelings but also build some enjoyable distractions into your days. When you start to feel ready to date other people, crack on with that. Do NOT put your life on hold for him.

Aprilx · 23/10/2023 13:24

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 12:47

I appreciate you say its better than stringing ms along for longer but we were together for 6 months and were very close. I appreciate some people may find a short relationship not that significant but its been the worst breakup I've had in years. Despite being together for 6 months I am truly heartbroken. I can't eat, I've lost a stone in weight, I'm crying each and every day without fail, I don't want to leave the house . I am heartbroken.

Show quote history

I was heartbroken over an eight month relationship once, so I can easily understand how you feel. But he has ended it, he is not coming back and he is an arse for giving you that glimmer of hope, a coward should I say.

You will get over this, we have all been there, it is a matter of time and nothing else. Be kind to yourself, keep busy, surround yourself with family and friends and you will come out the other side in time.

littlebopeepp234 · 23/10/2023 13:40

If he wasn’t over his ex then why did he bother to start dating again? If that’s the case then it sounds to me like he was just looking for something non serious to fill in the gaps.

Judging by your update he now seems to have come up with a completely different excuse that he’s overwhelmed because he has to do everything on his own so it sounds to me like the reason he isn’t over his ex is because he misses her helping with the housework!!

I wouldn’t hang around waiting for him or hoping to get him back. If he really wasn’t over his ex then he wouldn’t have been able to continue seeing you and would have broke it off very early into the dating stage. As pp’s have said, he’s just not that into you. If he was then he’d be over his ex and focusing on you.

BigPussyEnergy · 23/10/2023 13:53

I’ve been here, although we were only seeing each other for a couple of months when he realised he wasn’t ready to date yet, due to MH issues and still being hung up on unresolved shit with his ex.

I think it’s good that your ex has been open and honest, not stringing you along with no intention of building a future with you.

Let him go, lick your wounds, move on and if you’re both free and emotionally available later on you can worry about that then. Don’t wait for him “just in case”, but if you both like each other there’s no harm in staying in touch.

I’m still friends with my guy and things have shifted along the way. I don’t know if he’ll ever want a relationship with me, (or vice Versa tbh as I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice!) but I value his friendship and his honesty.

Original poster

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 13:59

BigPussyEnergy · 23/10/2023 13:53

I’ve been here, although we were only seeing each other for a couple of months when he realised he wasn’t ready to date yet, due to MH issues and still being hung up on unresolved shit with his ex.

I think it’s good that your ex has been open and honest, not stringing you along with no intention of building a future with you.

Let him go, lick your wounds, move on and if you’re both free and emotionally available later on you can worry about that then. Don’t wait for him “just in case”, but if you both like each other there’s no harm in staying in touch.

I’m still friends with my guy and things have shifted along the way. I don’t know if he’ll ever want a relationship with me, (or vice Versa tbh as I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice!) but I value his friendship and his honesty.

Oh sorry , I should have clarified. He told me he was interested in building a future with me. We had discussed that we'd like to move in together and have children. He was very proactive in these plans and insistent he wanted these things to happen.
Another reason I am heartbroken.
Sorry I should have clarified that yes indeed he had actively voiced 'intentions of building a future with me'

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 14:08

Op, I'm sorry you're so upset, but the reality is that he just wasn't into you. You're aren't the one. He's using his ex as an excuse.

Stop wasting your tears on this man. All of the things he said were just words.

FayCarew · 23/10/2023 14:08

He future-faked you, @Anon333 . You were only together 6 months. You didn't really know him, and the man you 'love' is your idealised version of him.
He's not that person.
He probably just wasn't that into you.

littlebopeepp234 · 23/10/2023 14:15

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 13:59

Oh sorry , I should have clarified. He told me he was interested in building a future with me. We had discussed that we'd like to move in together and have children. He was very proactive in these plans and insistent he wanted these things to happen.
Another reason I am heartbroken.
Sorry I should have clarified that yes indeed he had actively voiced 'intentions of building a future with me'

Show quote history

You have dodged a bullet op. He sounds like he was love bombing you! After only 6 months you was discussing moving in together and having kids? But all of a sudden he’s not over his ex? As pp said, he has future faked you, given you that hope of a future together and then pulled the rug from under your feet.

Aprilx · 23/10/2023 14:18

Anon333 · 23/10/2023 13:59

Oh sorry , I should have clarified. He told me he was interested in building a future with me. We had discussed that we'd like to move in together and have children. He was very proactive in these plans and insistent he wanted these things to happen.
Another reason I am heartbroken.
Sorry I should have clarified that yes indeed he had actively voiced 'intentions of building a future with me'

Show quote history

Mmm yes that sounds familiar with my above mentioned eight month relationship that ended in heartbreak. We had planned our life, children, cats and dogs. I now know what that was. Love bombing. It was never real, only I didn’t realise at the time. You will look back and be pretty angry about this.

RosaMoline · 23/10/2023 14:29

Been there. Love bombed, future faked the whole shebang.
In a nutshell, this one used me to make his ex jealous, splashing loads of selfies of us on social media, knowing that the ex was checking all the time.
When she took the bait, I was cruelly dropped. With lightening speed. Basically, we’re talking to doing a complete 180 on hours - making plans for the weekend in the morning, ending the relationship late afternoon - when they’d obviously been talking. I was absolutely devastated at the time, and begged him to reconsider.
I moved on in time. Two years later, it had gone tits up and he was back in touch with me. I can’t express the sheer thrill it gave me to tell him to fuck off accompanied by a load of laughing face emojis. You won’t believe it now, but you will be in that place too. Much love ❤️

Mrsgreen100 · 23/10/2023 14:36

Sounds like he’s looking for cook and bottle washer in life
don’t go there , grieve it and move on

hallingthedecks · 23/10/2023 15:19

How long were they together and why did they split up? I think you might find your answers there @Anon333 .

It doesn't sound like he strung you along. It sounds like he was very confused. If she left him, he probably wanted to find a replacement as soon as possible. Now he's realised that, he's being more sensible about his decision to enter into a new relationship.

If they were together a long time, it might take years for him to get over her. If he's still seeing her, it will take longer.