Date or not to date

[Inaspot21]

I could use some advice! I had a difficult break up about 3 years ago after a very long relationship so am nervous about a new one. In the last year or so I developed feelings for a colleague I know well who is not single, yet difficult to avoid due to how we all work. I’d considered a new job a few times but don’t really want to leave something I love and uproot even more of my life after recent years. I ask myself frequently if the feelings are even real or a replacement for what I’m missing in life and that as it’s someone I know and trust who is wholly unavailable, they are a “safe” option that prevents me from taking any risk and getting hurt as it can’t go anywhere.

In an attempt to move on I joined online dating and met a really nice person who is everything I’d want on paper and we have a lot in common, but I’m struggling to see a romance. I can’t figure out if something is missing there, if I’m subconsciously stopping myself due to fear or am just unable to get past my feelings for my colleague. I’ve seen them a few times but not romantically and been clear about where I’m at but I don’t like to mess anyone around or cause hurt by ‘trying’ something to see if it works out, only to find out it’s just not for me.

I suspect I’m over thinking but I’m tied up in knots about whether to stop dating this new person or give it longer in case it’s more a trust issue from my own experiences, if I should keep looking and hope that if I met the right person the feelings for my colleague would abate on their own, or if that’s unrealistic if I should more seriously consider another job. To make matters worse all those involved have kids. My own are older but obviously I’m not keen to get involved in anything that will hurt people down the line!

If you are not feeling it then just move on. You cannot force it.

you sound quite self aware, I think you need to give yourself more time.
apart from being unavailable, what are the things that attract you to your colleague? could you look for those same things in someone else?

Thank you… I do feel I know some about where a lot of this comes from but a lot less on what to actually do about it :(
I do feel this person I’m dating has a lot of similar qualities and many I’m looking for, but right now I’m unsure there’s anything more for me than friends. It could purely be down to chemistry despite them fitting the bill on paper. Or I just need to allow more time to let things develop. I appreciate you shouldn’t really try to date with a checklist. Life’s just not that black and white!

Is there anything that attracts you to this person you are dating? Because if there's nothing that makes him different to everybody else then there really isn't point.

Yes absolutely… personality. We have things in common, they are respectful and polite, intelligent, with great job, we have similar values and outlook on life, conversation is easy, company is comfortable. But I’m not sure yet about attraction or whatever it is that moves things on from friends who have clicked to wanting any intimacy. It could be trust issues on my part, a slow burner or just not ever meant to be anything more.

I say date! You need to get over your colleague. Even if this doesn't work out if will help you to start moving on.

Thank you, I’ve decided to keep seeing them for now as I’d be a bit sorry to no longer have them in my life, but am wary of causing hurt since they’ve already expressed a wish to move things forward whilst I’m still not sure! I’ve been very clear on where I am with my feelings though.