Painful memories of being cheated on...

[Stillachinginside]

PAINFUL MEMORIES OF BEING CHEATED ON....8 MONTHS DOWN THE LINE NO BETTER

Just looking for some guidance and perhaps words from experience.

To cut a long story short, I am 8 months down the line of deciding to stay with my husband after he cheated on me and our family.

It was out of the blue and deeply painful as involved someone close to our family and I was "played" by both.

Hiding in plain sight.
Our children were used as "perfect cover"

At first I was so shocked and frightened of what was happening so I didn't kick him to the kerb.

I have had 7 months of weekly therapy to try and help get over this.

He is genuinely deeply sorry and desperate to remain with me and us as a little family.

We have had some lovely holidays (both family and "just us" weekends) recently and personal time together, a bit like dating again.
So when times are good they are good.

But then I go dark and my mind slips back to those months when I was being fucked over, laughed at, played and totally thought of as being worthless to him.

How can he say he really loves me, wants to be with me....when he could treat me so so badly?

The affair ended because I discovered it.
It pains me where it would have been heading to long-term....

Time isn't healing my head which is still absolutely bursting with the "4 months" my life wasn't what I thought it was. It's like waking up from a 4 month coma, everything you thought was real wasn't.

In this age of WhatsApp, Social Media and "online everything" I know literally day to day on calendar what happened. I relive this in my head imagining them together. I am dreading the anniversary of these dates which are fast approaching.

Worse of all I know they were together in my house, when, how long for and in which room. It makes me sick to go there. But I love my house and my kids know nothing else. Our family life is here.

My young kids still talk fondly of her....this occured tonight at dinner table, making me feel sick. But worst of all my teenager knew what had happened and with whom. We locked eyes together over table tonight, a sad bond between us whilst my husband tried his best to divert our youngest's conversation to something else.

I get emotional and outpour sometimes how much hurt I still carry and how little he must have thought of my feelings to have done this. It is horrible to know I was no better than shit on his shoe for him to have felt so little for me, his wife of almost 20 years.

I need him to grab me, apologise for doing this and telling me it disgusts him to have done this. I think he feels this inside. But he just says "I don't know what to say" and stares blankly and awkwardly back.

I then fester and my sad festering eventually turns to angry fuck festering that he was the cheating dick that did this to me and I am 8 months down the line and still feel like shit. Then I think he should be kicked out and punished by knowing he has lost me, our family life together and for fuck all.

I feel he has gotten away with this.

These thoughts overwhelm every spare moment of my busy life.
I don't know what I did before I found out he was cheating!!!

He has left twice for a week or two (at my request).
During those periods I did suddenly have this strength and calm that yes I could do this on my own. Financially I could also. These were hard periods for him. He suddenly was more emotionally open.

But do I want to be on my own?

I can't believe he took the risk to fuck over 20 years together, risk breaking up our family, making the decision that my future might not be what I had planned it to be....and not even for someone that he really genuinely wanted to make a new life with? Just a bit of ego boosting with a slag (a newly married one at that).

I think it also pisses me off how I trusted her and she played me. It annoys me that her husband is "half a man" and didn't want to know anything and literally denied the evidence that was discovered.
So she got away with it too.
What sort of woman fucks about with a man who has children she knows? I just can't get my head around risking breaking up a family. But I also know my husband was equally to blame. But he didn't know her husband, she very much knew me, befriended me, the biggest fool in all of this was me. I was played at all angles like a fiddle.

So 8 months down the line my head is still mush. Still pains in tummy and chest. Still wide awake at night feeling sick all the time. The deaths of close family members never even hurt like this months down the line.

So my dilemma is - my husband caused my pain.

My pain can be dampened by either him going away or staying here and being strong and owning my pain when I share. The pain he caused.
But he doesn't. He goes into "rabbit in a headlight" and avoids me. I do believe he is frozen to the spot not knowing what to say, but why can't he try and say something, anything? For when he doesn't I just start to angrily fester. I can't have this for the rest of my life.

Any words would be appreciated

You know your answer OP. Your soul knows, your body knows, your spirit knows, your mind knows.
It was healing even to be away from him a week.
With him you are in pain. It is not going away-it won’t. He is not showing up for you still. Is he.
His actions were callous, cold, uncaring- just like his current reaction.
Your older child (both actually) really need the role model in you…the one with the self respect and strength for herself and her family. They know you are unhappy trust me.
Do not be afraid of being a single parent. We are some brave, strong, independent women. I was you a couple years ago and write from the other side…you can absolutely do this. Hold your head high for yourself and your children. Use all the support you need and please consider counselling to help build your strength.
The alternative? A lifetime of pain, hell and permanent heartbreak and becoming more of a nervous wreck constantly watching out for the inevitable next betrayal.
Do the right thing xxx

@Stillachinginside I do totally get you- I found out my H had been 'disloyal' to me but 10 years after it happened. By that point we had been married 20 years. I don't know if it was just an emotional affair or more- he says it wasn't even an affair but a crush on his part that went too far (I found songs and poems from him about it) - like you, someone we knew well, very young-and he had tons of opportunity and business trips etc. Ive stayed married (this was 7 years ago when I found this stuff ) but never felt quite the same, it does fade though- one of the things that annoys me most is he will frequently mention places he went or bars etc that were on trips when 'she' was the assistant - and he will say - oh that's a great place in xxxx etc - I find it bloody disrespectful to ever mention it .

You know what you need to do.

There is absolutely no chance of you moving past this and recovering as a couple if he continues to take the coward's way and avoid talking to you. Have you considered couples counselling to help get things out in the open?

I know a lot of mumsnet posters often say that there's no point or that you can't move on after an affair or cheating, and I don't agree and I think that in some situations you absolutely can... but it takes a lot of work, not least on the part of the person who had the affair, and it doesn't sound like your DH is doing much in this situation. You say you're going to therapy, is he? I think if an affair or cheating occurs and the couple want to move on, both of them need to attend couples and individual counselling.

The thing about your post that really stands out to me though is how strong you say you felt when you weren't with him, would you not rather feel that way all the time?

Have you thought about separating and seeing how you feel for a longer period? I think if you took a few months for yourself to clear your head you would know for sure what you want. The past won't go away, all you can do is make the future what you want. It sounds like you want your husband to be more assertive and change the situation but he's not. Maybe a separation would spur him to do something. It would at least let him know he's not getting away with it.

I always think it's a good idea to make changes when you're trying to move past something. You need something to create a line between then and now. Trying a new hobby, making new friends, even moving. You said you want to keep the house, but if you decide to stay with him you should consider moving and creating a new environment. So you don't feel stuck in the past. A terrible thing happened but it's not still happening. It's something you will heal from whether you stay with him or not. It won't be like this forever, you will be happy again. The pain won't last forever and at some point you will let it go. You'll remember the pain but you won't feel it like you do now. I don't know if you can move on with him, you'll have to figure that out. I think you need some space do so.

@Stillachinginside
A friend of mine was in your position a fair few years ago. While she said it got slightly easier over time, it never went away. The trust was gone but also exactly what you said about how could he do what he did. He thought they were over it but circa 4-5 years after she had a lightbulb moment and said she just couldn't do it anymore. She left. He was devastated and thought she must have met someone else (she hadn't) and it was a long time before she even tried dating again.

I'm glad to say though that she had no regrets leaving him. They remain friendly for the kids and she has now remarried. Her only regret is the years she lost "trying" when she said she knew in her heart of hearts that it was gone.

You sound so like her at this stage

So sorry you are feeling so bad 😔
What are your reasons for staying with him?

Why not have a longer trial separation? See how you feel. 2 weeks isn't long enough.

I am 18 months in after a 6 month separation due to his cheating.
I can honestly sympathize, and if I had my time again I would not have taken him back ,as mentally I just cannot recover.

I still feel very angry at both of them (she was a so called friend) for causing this pain , and sick of the wishy washy excuses of I just don't know why I did it.

The only reason I cannot go back on my decision is that I can't do it to the kids! They were so upset when we split and so relieved when we got back together.

Virtual hand gold from me op.

The thing that struck me from your post is the sense you feel you’ve made your decision to stay and must stick with that. You absolutely can change your mind. That’s your prerogative. If this isn’t working for you (and it doesn’t sound like it is, and that’s entirely reasonable), you can say that and make decisions on that basis.

Don’t feel guilty about the kids or breaking up the home, because you haven’t. He has. With the choices he made, he has entirely changed the rules of the game and you’re entitled to say it’s not what you signed up for.

you deserve so much better than this. Honestly, 8 months is nothing after such a betrayal, and if he’s not doing everything in his power to make you feel safe again, he isn’t worthy of your time and effort to trust him, never mind your love.

@Stillachinginside, your H doesn’t sound desperately sorry if all he can muster when you’re upset is a deer/headlights gaze and then squeak out, ‘I don’t know what to say.’ It’s no wonder that your frustration and grief boil over and you feel better in his absence.

Restoration of trust after infidelity can take 2-5 years, and that’s with a cheater who moves mountains to helps the betrayed partner heal.

Has H been to IC to explore his abject selfishness and entitlement to knife you in the heart … cuckold you with your ‘friend’ … and defile your and the children’s home with their sordid shagging? If not, why? His adulterous actions show very weak boundaries and a severely deficient moral compass and level of empathy. Avoiding you and telling you he doesn’t know what to say just doesn’t cut it AT ALL. He needs to be demonstrably and verbally showing his remorse, and asking if you need to talk about your feelings, unprompted.

Of great concern is your teenager’s exposure to this toxic, treacherous situation involving her dad and the close family friend who used the children as cover? What are you modeling for him/her and the others regarding infidelity and disloyalty? Would you advise them to stick with a cheat who treats them with utter contempt?

@Stillachinginside, you have suffered a traumatic double betrayal perpetrated by your H. You understandably feel tormented, but he is not choosing to step up to help you recover. Even if he did make more of an effort, it’s likely that the damage done is too great. In my view, you’re doing a great disservice to yourself by staying.

You won’t find your peace of mind until you end the marriage and establish a healthy co-parenting dynamic.

I really feel for you OP, I have also been there and understand the pain and anger you feel.
My ex-MIL also experienced this and when her son behaved in the same way to me and confessed to her, she got in touch with me and one of the things she said which turned out to be true is, "your relationship will never be the same and you will never feel the same". At the time I was upset that she said this because it seemed so harsh but I think she wanted me to make a different choice to the one she had made.
She took her husband back but even my kids can see that they don't have a happy relationship and often question this when they have spent time with their grandparents. They don't know about their grandad's behaviour but they can sense their grandmother's unhappiness and the coldness in their relationship.

For my part, we split up. And while being alone is hard, I am not going to deny it, particularly when everyone around you is in a long standing marriage, it is preferable to those feelings of humiliation, anger and worthlessness. I couldn't move past the betrayal and hurt and couldn't get over the notion that someone I had trusted with my life and made myself the most vulnerable with could treat me the way he did. But my exH wasn't remorseful and only sought to blame me (and the kids' existence) for his behaviour so there was only one course of action to take.

I agree with pp, I think you need to have a longer separation and see how being on your own feels. There will be sadness but there will be a sense of freedom and relief which is worth experiencing.
And you need time to process your feelings away from him. He also needs time to truly contemplate what he has done and the ramifications of his behaviour.

If you are to move on in whichever way you choose you definitely need time and space away from each other.

Op,I know how you feel. I feel the same. it's 10 months ago I found out. Every day I still can't believe she did what she did. You want all the answers, but feel like you have none as they just want to shut down the conversation. It's ok for a few days and then a dark cloud descends.

You know your answer OP. Your soul knows, your body knows, your spirit knows, your mind knows

beautifully put and yes
your post is painful to read but I don’t think that you can overcome this
and you really don’t have to in this day and age

there are worst things than being a single mum

What do you feel you want OP? If your heart is driven to giving this man a chance then you both need to do some research as to what healing and reconciliation looks like.

You’re also at the beginning of your healing 2-5 years is the rough timeframe so your anger, rage, desolation, despair is common. As is his shame/guilt spiral leading to inability to truly hit remorse. Doesn’t make his reaction ‘right’ but it isn’t uncommon. It’s an unpleasant stage that many reconciled couple will recognise.

I can recommend the surviving infidelity website, their reconciliation thread has some amazing posters. I can also recommend affair recovery videos, and you should really get a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ to help you understand what remorse looks like practically.

I do think it’s telling that you describe the separation periods as periods of peace for you. It’s absolutely your right to realise that reconciliation might not be your path and that this is a deal breaker for you. All affairs offer a different level of betrayal and fwiw it happening in your home and with someone you counted as a friend would probably have me leaning towards leaving but I think it’s very easy to make these sweeping statements when you’re not weighing up the impacts, on yourself and your family and I don’t know who your husband is and whether he can be a safe partner for you so that decision is yours.

IMHO reconciliation is a risk, but it can be made ‘safer’ if you have knowledge behind you to know exactly what you’re looking for.

@Susieb2023 i agree. Its really very painful when the other person wont discuss the issues nor give you any answers.

I am glad you found a way forward - not everyone is so lucky.

I cant stand people who cheat. you sound very strong and knowledgeable.

Your husband is just sorry he got caught, and you are under no obligation to forgive or forget.

Interesting how it's just you who has to swallow all of this horrendous pain and betrayal, and the burden to "save your family" is all yours. Your husband just has to sit back, say the "right things" and keep his head down until this all blows over. He can betray you completely and still keep his happy, easy little life. Lucky guy, eh?

I say fuck that. Fuck him. Put yourself first for once and kick him out for good. He alone destroyed your family, so stop being the one who has to fix it. It will never be fixed, you will never get over this, and you are only going to waste years of your life on an unworthy man before it inevitably implodes. It's already over, allow it to be over.

I would have left. Isn’t staying prolonging the pain? Leaving is the hardest option I know, but the most loving for you. And you matter.

Seven years ago I found a couple of things that made me suspicious my wife was cheating. I did a stupid thing and confronted her with what I thought was evidence.
She denied everything and convinced me I was being paranoid and that if I approached the guy and his wife (family friends!) they would think me mad. Well, fast forward seven years, my wife and the guy were caught red handed on a day out together ( my wife told me she would be out for the day with a girlfriend). Our marriage is now over and I think the cheating couple plan to marry sometime in the near future. The point I’m making is, if someone can cheat and betray you they are more than able to lie through their teeth on any occasion and under any circumstances. That doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship. And just one other thing to consider, they may be intending to leave you,anyway,but can’t do so at the present time because of their affair partner’s circumstances.
I know people are divided on this, but my own opinion is, don’t waste your time trying to fix something so badly broken that the person who is supposed to care the most about you lies, cheats and betrays you behind your back.

@Loyaltothedeath I am so sorry- I do remember the pain of feeling I had been taken for an idiot very well. I'm still married but it did snuff the specialness out and these days I'm a lot more of a cynic when it comes to love n stuff!!

@Stillachinginside, how are you doing?

I've just read your post for the first time and the replies and am now like the last poster wondering how you are?
10 months ago I had evidence my H was cheating when a message came on our IPad from his OW and he stupidly picked his phone up to reply to her. He forgot me sitting right beside him! Oh he adamantly denied it, gaslighted me terribly for a further 3 weeks until he left his phone ungarded and I read back months of messages between them.

I was devastated and completely heartbroken to find my H of 43 years had cheated on me with a colleague. One he swore he didn't even like as a person, apparently!

So much gaslighting, blaming her, blaming me, denying anything was going on. Couldn't he have any female friends? Said she was nosey and he was being polite. So it's OK to message your OW on MY birthday and when we're on a family holiday in Florida, sending selfies and messaging from the airport. Honestly so disrespectful and all for what?
10 months in, I have regular counselling- he point blank refused to entertain the idea of talking to a stranger and getting his legs slapped. They were his words.

But I feel stronger and clearer with support. I left him several times to clear my head. He eventually said sorry and seemed genuinely remorseful and is working on building trust and openness-
That's a positive to me.
A most definitive red line would have been if shanagins had taken place under my own roof. My H would have been gone instantly- no arguments- I could not live in the same house. Bed or no bed. Another red line is your children- he clearly forgot them as well as you. No respect-
Lastly, he is refusing to engage still 6 months down the line. That's a final red flag. Your H does not deserve you.
I hope you come back OP and let us know how you are... wishing you all the luck in the world.