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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trusting your gut.....

11 replies

obje · 22/10/2023 23:05

When you've been cheated on before.....

This is something I'm really struggling with. ExH cheated 10 years into our marriage, weeks after I'd given birth to DS. Full blown affair for over a year before I found out.

This was 8 years ago. Spent a long time single/casually dating and in the last year have been in a relationship with someone new. I have zero evidence of cheating and he's never given me reason to doubt him but recently my gut is screaming not to trust him. I spend my life constantly looking for signs and obsessing over things to look for "evidence".

I know it's not healthy and I'm going back for therapy (I've had a lot over the last 8 years and thought I was finally in a good place when I met my now bf.

The trouble is that in the past I was always one to trust my gut and it was pretty reliable. Now I dont know if I should trust my gut or of I'm allowing past experiences to cloud my judgement?

Has anyone else been able to fully trust again with someone new or is it natural to be a bit more on edge?

OP posts:

YesshesaidyesiwillYes · 22/10/2023 23:07

What is your gut telling you?

Original poster

obje · 22/10/2023 23:45

Nothing specific....just thoughts that he may have cheated/could potentially cheat in the future

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 23/10/2023 08:20

I think it’s good that you’ve spotted it’s a problem and gone back to therapy.

I’m always one to say trust your gut but in the past I’ve ended relationships because I thought he was cheating when it was all in my head. I was just so nervous and terrified of the past repeating itself that I pushed the guy away. He didn’t cheat, he was just fed up of the feeling untrustworthy.

Is this something you feel comfortable talking to your partner about? Not necessarily asking him if anything is going on bur that you are working on yourself to make things better.

C1N1C · 23/10/2023 08:50

People don't like me saying this, but it's true...

People cheat for one of two reasons:
Because they're being pulled
Because they're being pushed

If he legitimately is a nice guy as you say, he won't cheat... but keep doubting him and he will. I get it, I really do, it's difficult to let go of the past... but if you start reading texts, asking where he is constantly, reading into every last word he says, timing his shopping trips etc, even good men (and women) will end up cheating because those other arms are safer than yours.

People here will say trust your gut, but due to your history, is it really trustworthy or just anxious?

Original poster

obje · 23/10/2023 10:37

Hiddenvoice · 23/10/2023 08:20

I think it’s good that you’ve spotted it’s a problem and gone back to therapy.

Is this something you feel comfortable talking to your partner about? Not necessarily asking him if anything is going on bur that you are working on yourself to make things better.

Thanks! I have spoken to him to an extent. He knows about my past relationship history and I've tried to explain that it's not him as an individual that I don't trust - it's more a general fear around being cheated on. I also have trouble believing I am worthy/loveable etc.

@C1N1C I completely agree and pushing him away is my biggest fear yet I can seem to help myself. I do try and hide a lot of my thoughts on it but it comes out in other ways, eg me being moody and him not knowing why.

I keep telling myself to let go and trust as if I don't, it's going to end regardless. So I may as well take the risk and enjoy it for now rather than sabotaging it when there's a chance it might not happen. This thought process works temporarily then I slip back to constantly looking for "evidence".

I'm definitely going back for more therapy but then I start to think....what if my gut is right and I don't actually need therapy after all?!

OP posts:

grrrrarrg · 23/10/2023 10:42

Have you always had this gut feeling something is wrong with current partner or is it new?

If new, then I'll go against the grain and say trust your gut.

My husband has been having an emotional affair for months. Like you, there was nothing specific he was doing and no obvious signs of cheating, I just had a feeling. I've been cheated on in the past and I just knew. Proved to be right when I went through his messages.

Original poster

obje · 23/10/2023 10:56

@grrrrarrg sorry to hear that 💐

This isn't a new feeling in this relationship but as it gets more serious and I become more vulnerable it seems to be getting stronger?

After my divorce I knew I had issues, got therapy and thought I was 'better' - otherwise I'd never have got into a new relationship. I dated a few people for 3-4 months but not majorly serious and it wasn't an issue. First few months of this relationship it wasn't an issue either but now there feels like there is so much more at stake.

I feel massively guilty for my behaviour but if I hadn't thought I was 'better' after my previous therapy I'd never have done it. I guess the problem is that it was all theoretical and it's never been tested in practice til now

OP posts:

ginasevern · 23/10/2023 11:13

@C1N1C

Sorry but I really disagree with this. I don't think a lot of men need a reason to cheat. The idea that they have to be either "hen pecked" or lured away by some brazen hussy is rather like an old music hall joke and insulting to the many women everywhere that have been cheated on. The brazen hussy theory also absolves the man from responsibility and suggests he had no choice in the matter. To also say that because he's a nice guy he won't cheat is, at the very best, breathtakingly naive. Men cheat because they pursue sex. They are programmed to do so. They can quite comfortably seperate sex from love and loyalty, no matter how "nice" they are or how lovely and caring their partner is.

jazzyclouds · 23/10/2023 11:15

@C1N1C Could you explain a little more please on your theory of being pushed? It resonated with me because I am like the OP in that I am always almost waiting for my partner to cheat, and we have been together nearly 20 years! Like OP, I often go in moods and don't or can't say why, and I think he is really sick of it and it might be the end for us. For me, I think it's because I have gynae problems which mean I often can't have sex, it makes me feel not good enough / worthy, although I was always like this to a certain extent and both my previous partners before my long relationship cheated.
Recently, my partner has actually been acting a bit weird, and I discovered he has sent a few messages back and forward to someone he lost a game to on a gaming site. The messages are absolutely fine and above board not even a hint of flirtation or anything, mostly just technical game talk and convo seems to have ended, but I have previously went mad when a woman messaged him on this same site (but her message was actually flirty) and said I am not happy with him messaging anyone. So obviously he feels he is going behind my back (but he feels my lines are unreasonable) so that's probably why he is acting really weird. Hmm..

Original poster

obje · 23/10/2023 11:25

Sorry you're having such a tough time @jazzyclouds it sucks!

I'm only 18 months in but can really sympathise. There was something recently that my bf avoided talking about. I would say lied but he didn't actually lie, he just got awkward, changed the subject and the whole thing felt a bit "off" so I jumped to the conclusion that he was hiding something/not being honest. When I couldn't hold it any longer and brought it up again, he said he felt awkward and changed the subject as he could tell I was going down a certain path to engineer a specific conversation to see if I could catch him out. Scary thing is he was 100% right about what I'd been thinking in my head and he'd rather avoid the conversation altogether.

It then led to a conversation about the fact that I could tell he was uncomfortable and desperate to change the subject. Which I can't actually blame him for given how I've acted in the past. But at the same time, his reaction and the fact he was avoiding a discussion about a particular event set off even more alarm bells for me

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 23/10/2023 13:12

I would say lied but he didn't actually lie, he just got awkward, changed the subject and the whole thing felt a bit "off" so I jumped to the conclusion that he was hiding something/not being honest. When I couldn't hold it any longer and brought it up again, he said he felt awkward and changed the subject as he could tell I was going down a certain path to engineer a specific conversation to see if I could catch him out.

Listen to your gut.
And keep an eye on him doing this. It could be that he gets awkward, changes the subject and then tells you its because he was worried how you'd be reacting.
Except, surely, given the fact he knows your insecurity, he'd be making sure he explained the things you are asking him to explain. Isn't that a better way to build trust than avoiding it altogether.
And sadly, I can relate to what you've written there. Started off with a few tiny things which just felt 'off'. conversations being changed, cut short, for no reason but it just felt off. And unfortunately my gut was right. It felt off because it was off. He was avoiding having to lie, until, well, he had to lie. His reasoning was he didn't want to lie to me. Apparently just avoiding the subject isn't lying.

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