AIBU to wait and see?

[cocoloco23]

I’m late 40s, never been married, no kids.

Most of my past relationships have either started with sex (a ONS has ended up as something longer), or have progressed to sex quickly. Sex is really important to me, and I suppose I’ve wanted to find out early on if we’ve been sexually compatible. I’m also aware that because of childhood trauma, I’m more comfortable with intense, dramatic high-octane relationships or “relationships” than I am with safe / stable ones. (I have had therapy and I’m trying to make changes as a result)

I met L online last month and we’ve been on two dates. The second one was today - we met for lunch, then went for a long walk. We probably spent around 3 hours together on our first date and 6 hours together today. Both dates have felt very very comfortable. I feel safe with him - he’s very respectful and I feel like he’s letting me set the pace.

I like him so far and I can see that he’s physically attractive (there are things I find attractive about him, and things that I don’t). But I don’t want to kiss him passionately, I don’t know if I want him to touch me sexually - and I’m not sure if I actually fancy him. ‘Safe’ doesn’t feel sexy.

I’m used to knowing immediately whether I’m attracted to someone, and acting on that. But for the first time in my life, I don’t know. This feels…not uncomfortable, exactly, but unfamiliar.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting! Maybe I’m looking for reassurance about whether it’s ok to keep dating him when I’m not 100% sure that I fancy him.

FWIW, he seems very keen on me. Am I being selfish / using him while I work through this stuff? If it’s not a ‘hell, yes’, doesn’t that mean it’s a no??

If you made it through all that: well done!

TLDR: Has anyone had a long happy relationship that’s started as a slow burner?

Yes. I have. After years of lusting after The Bad Guys and learning all those lessons the hard way, I had a 2 year relationship with a friend of a friend. Never really fancied him at first but we’d chat and have a laugh and I enjoyed his company. When he asked me out I was “oh, er, alright” and just thought I’d see how it went.

There’s a saying that goes something like –

“do the same things you always did to get the same results you always got”

Sounds like you’ve got too used to “attraction” meaning lust so anything short of that seems like friend-zone material. Romance is much deeper than that.

Having said that, I knew my guy IRL as a sort of friend for quite a while before we got together. I’m not sure I could apply the same principles to a stranger I met via OLD.

Thanks for replying. This really resonates:

”Sounds like you’ve got too used to “attraction” meaning lust so anything short of that seems like friend-zone material.”

And thanks for the gentle warning about OLD. Agree it’s different to having a real life friend first.

Are you still with this guy?

Not any more, no. It was an amicable split and I still bump into him from time to time. I think ultimately we just weren’t what each other were looking for. But no red flags at all from him. He was, and still is, a lovely guy.

The sex was very sensual and much more satisfying (emotionally and physically) than the shagging like rabbits lust sex. Hindsight has me wondering/thinking I might have used him to work through some issues with sex I had, although it was definitely not a conscious thing at the time.

I learned a lot about myself in that relationship.

Thanks again for your insight, @DatingDinosaur. Lots to think about. I think I’m going to carry on with an open mind, and see what happens.

I guess at some point either I’ll know if I fancy him, or he’ll make a move / start a conversation and my reaction will tell me what I need to know…

Happened me best friends for years never thought of him any other way then one day he said he had always fancied me and loved me. I was like oh and now we are married 4 kids and yes I love and adore him now. Before that it was short relationships, mostly sex always felt like something missing. Now I'm a happy bunny it was right under my nose for years lol

Wow @Ladyj84 - what a great story! Glad you got your happy ending :)

Did you realise you fancied him while you were dating then? Did that feel odd - to go from friends to being attracted to him?

I think if there is no attraction -its doomed.

But you have some attraction there -so yes, give him a chance.

Yeah, agree @MrsDaniFilth . He’s got gorgeous eyes and a really sexy deep voice. And I found myself really looking forward to hearing from him today :)