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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Workplace relationship - To complain or not

17 replies

mrspick · 22/10/2023 20:28

Last year I had a fwb relationship with somebody at work ( I have posted about this before) it then turned out he had a girlfriend who had recently had a baby. It also turned out he is always cheating on his GF. To give a bit of background, when he started messaging me I was on sick leave having had a major operation and I was basically housebound. Prior to his message I had only spoken to him about 5 times, just general banter, no flirting. I would not even have classed us as friends. It seems he started messaging when he noticed I was off work and found out the situation I was in. We were messaging for 4 months before anything happened with him always contacting me first. It didn't end great as after it all finished he admitted he had been with his gf for some of the time I was involved with him but I believe he was with her the whole time. It has taken a lot of time and conversations with people to realise it was very emotionally abusive, gaslighting was involved and now a couple of people have said he took advantage and was able to manipulate me because of my situation at the time. To make things worse just after he admitted about his gf he told me she was working for the company, it was somewhere I was unlikely to come across her but that also turned out to be a lie as it was somewhere I probably was going to come across her and I did. I have been suffering with depression for several months over this and cannot go into certain parts of the business for fear of coming face to face with him. Friends have said I should put in a complaint as he took advantage of a vulnerable colleague. I don't know whether to do this or even if I would have a leg to stand on. Just to add, nobody can make me feel more stupid than I already do but I really don't think until you have been with somebody who is so manipulative you can understand how clever they are at drawing you in.

OP posts:
assignedferretatbirth · 22/10/2023 20:53

No, I wouldn't complain.

AzureBlue99 · 22/10/2023 21:18

Putting it in the public domain will be worse for you. Just let time work its magic.

junbean · 22/10/2023 21:26

I know what you mean about being manipulated. It does take longer to process and move on from it. I wouldn't give it any more energy though, it will only drag things out and make it more complicated.

Pinkshoppingbag · 22/10/2023 21:42

Unless he is senior to you, I would leave it and start looking for another job.

cansu · 22/10/2023 21:45

Fgs you made a decision to have a relationship. It didn't work out and he was an arse. That does not make a complaint!

Namechange666 · 22/10/2023 21:48

Absolutely not. I would have some therapy and try to move on.

Yes he is a massive dickhead. That's all the closure you need.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/10/2023 21:48

If he is in a senior role to you then you should complain. However if you're at the same level I don't think there's anything HR would be interested in.

If he starts making you uncomfortable at work though, that's a different thing. If he's messaging you and you've made it clear you're not interested, then you have grounds to complain.

Snoken · 22/10/2023 21:49

I wouldn't have thought this has anything to do with work. You happily entered into a relationship with him, found out he was a cheater but cheating isn't something that the workplace can punish him for. It's wasn't the best move to date him and he definitely sounds like a dick, but it's not for hr to resolve.

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 21:55

No don't complain. Unless he's in a position of authority over you, you got into it on a level playing field. That you later found out he's a cheat and a liar is a shame...he's a pig...but it's just your tough luck from an HR point of view.

Sorry you're feeling so upset over it...trust me when I say it's a common scenario. You're not alone in being duped and used. xx

cherrypied · 22/10/2023 21:55

Sorry this has made you miserable OP but with all kindness this is not something you can complain about.

You describe it as a FWB relationship which suggests to me there is no commitment on either side. Awful he was with someone else and he is an adulterer (probably a serial adulterer) but in think low expectations are par for FWBs. It was to him an office fling and it didn't matter if you were single or not.

Your reaction suggests a more romantic attachment. Try and process this and maybe see someone (therapy/relate) as it sounds like it is affecting you deeply.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 21:59

If there is a friend that suggested this and it’s not just something you’re thinking then no don’t do this, he didn’t take advantage you had consensual sex. Unless there is some hidden detail on mental capability.

it will be much worse for you if you complain as you shagged a colleague and he wasn’t honest with you.

annonymousandlikeit · 22/10/2023 22:03

you have no grounds for complaint. Just move on

Jenny2347 · 30/03/2024 05:06

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WandaWonder · 30/03/2024 05:16

So you lost your brain and didn't think for yourself now you want to complain? It is nothing to do with anyone else

Work on yourself though so you make better choices next time

MississippiAF · 30/03/2024 05:20

Start a new thread

StrawberryPavlova · 30/03/2024 05:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You'd be better off starting your own thread rather than posting on one from six months ago.

But for what it's worth I don't see anything wrong with what she's done. It's a card and chocolates, and her saying thanks for being professional, she's not inviting him to run away with her.

Jenny2347 · 30/03/2024 05:34

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