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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trying to co parent/advice

21 replies

Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 16:32

Hello all. I’m going to try keep this as short as I can. Please bear with me as so much history. So been with now ex 14 years. About a month a go after all his cheating and lots of other things and it all came to a head I actually decided I’m done. And I’ve actually stuck to it this time and I can honestly say this is what I want after all this time him leaving to go sleep/take another lady on holiday. Yes I do know I shouldn’t have put up with that but I did. Silly me ay!

well we have a 9 year old son with ASD/non verbal with a social communication disorder. Even tho after eveything that’s gone I still want him to be apart of our sons life and I’ve always tried so hard for 9 years. I’ve even put up with him not seeing our son then suddenly he decides he wants to. I can honestly say even when he’s left to go sleep with random woman I’ve still put that to one side for our sons sake.

so now I’ve decided I don’t want this anymore he agreed to having our son every other weekend Friday-6pm till 4pm Sunday. Hasn’t seen our son for a month before we both agreed to this but what ever this is about our son.
get a message on his Friday that he was meant to have our son that he was working late. Fair enough….even tho I knew it was a lie but no way to prove this. He picked our son up sat morning at 10.30 then dropped him back same day at 12.30 after lunch saying he had to help his mate out. He will collect our son Sunday morning at 10.30. For som ready explained he was going to his dads and he didn’t turn up. Left it till about 4 that afternoon and messaged and asked “what’s the reason you didn’t pick our son up” he replied “ I shouldn’t have to
explain anything to you”then obviously blocked me. I emailed next day saying I won’t have our son let down for no reason at all and until he can put our son first I think he better stay away.

so one of my friends said today I’ve done the wrong thing by telling my ex that?! Have I?? He’s 44 btw. Sorry this was honestly meant to be short. If you’ve ready this far then thank you. I just want to know how other co parents deal with this.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:36

To be honest OP

i wouldn’t be encouraging this relationship whatsoever.

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:37

He doesn’t want to see his son

So don’t push it

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 16:39

I know. I think I’m just feeling “mum guilt” am I doing the right thing? Since I emailed him saying until he can have an adult conversation and put our son first he hasn’t replied and that’s fair enough. I think for me I just want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:40

and You think the right thing is pushing someone who doesn’t want to see his son to see his son?

think about your son…. Having to spend time with someone who doesn’t want to be with him

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 16:43

I don’t think that’s right no. I’ve cared for our son and done everything. After 14 years of being with this person on and off I’ve done the right thing as he was vile but I’ve finally done it. I think it’s just me wanting to make sure I’ve done the right thing I suppose??

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:50

No you have misinterpreted me

You think a dad should be involved in his child’s life. Yes absolutely

however your ex has shown you and his son repeatedly that his is not one of those dad’s

So you can’t force him. And my stance would be relief because quite honestly…. I would not want my son to be in his company

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 16:56

If I’m honest I am relieved. I know I have given that man so many chances to be a dad to our son. And it honestly doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t want to see our son. Yes it did but because I’m so used to this I’ve actually just simply had enough. It’s actually so nice. I agree with you fathers should be a part of their kids lives and I would have loved that and always supported that if that’s what he wanted but he doesn’t. I think when my friend said I shouldn’t have emailed him what I did that kinda made me think am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:57

She possibly just meant that it was creating unnecessary drama

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 17:01

Yes probably. Think where I’ve been so used to my now ex making me think I’m on the wrong/I’m the crazy one I’m still doubting myself. But it’s still early days so I guess/hope I’ll get there. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 22/10/2023 17:05

You’ve tried, he’s not interested, and to continue to push is going to do your son more harm than good and it’s not good for you either. Your text was perfectly reasonable.

It’s great you finally got shot of him. I hope things go well.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 17:06

Thank you. And thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Pinkshoppingbag · 22/10/2023 17:35

I would send him an email saying 'I will make DS available for contact every other Friday at 4pm for the agreed 48 hour contact. If you do not collect him, I will assume you are not wishing to see him.' Then don't chase him or make any other contact if he doesn't show up. You could maybe add something about if he does collect you won't be available for him to be returned until the Sunday. Then keep a note of every time he doesn't show up or tries to drop back early. You can't force someone to have contact, but you can demonstrate, if he tries to raise court action, that you did all you could to facilitate it.

Alternatively, block and refuse contact unless and until he tries to take action if you think it's not in your DS's best interests and he's unlikely to bother.

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 17:52

Is he paying maintenance?

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 18:03

He hasn’t paid any maintenance for the past 4 weeks.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 18:16

Well that should be your focus op

Have you discussed an amount? Presumably you will be growing through CMS? Hav you looks at the calculator?

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 18:28

Tbh he’s always been on and off with maintenance as he thinks because our young son gets DLA he doesn’t agree with paying me. I brought it up with the email o sent but he hasn’t replied and till got no maintenance for our son. I will be definitely going to CMS.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 18:29

But you’ve only been split a month?

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 18:29

Make that your focus

not encouraging contact

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 18:38

We’ve been on and off since our son got his ASD diagnosis when our son was 3. So he hasn’t always paid but tbh I’ve never really brought it up as I don’t want to argue about money.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 19:53

You’re short changing your son by not pursuing what is rightfully his

He doesn’t need contact with a parent who doesn’t want to spend time with him

He does need his mother to have money to spend on their life together and opportunities for him

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 22/10/2023 20:02

reading your message I absolutely agree with you. I just hate anything to do with money as it all ways leads to an argument but it’s about our son. I’ll definitely be going though cms

OP posts:
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