Hi
I guess I’m writing on here for advice.
I’ve always been a very laid back, trusting, fun loving person in relationships.
Me and my husband separated 3 years ago, he was narcissistic, gaslit me, and was coercive, this impacted me mentally but when I left I felt positive and happy that I was finally in a position to find a real, non toxic love. Since then I have dated several people and it always ends bad. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, love bombed, etc and I feel like my spark has gone and I’m not me anymore.
I don’t have any hope that I will find anyone. I feel like if I meet someone I self sabotage and makes excuses to end it before they can to prevent me getting hurt again.
I met someone 4 months ago and I really liked him. There was a couple of occasions we argued because I got jealous that he was liking my friends picture (who he had previously said he initially fancied) but this is something I would have laughed off once upon a time, I brought up the fact that I felt it was a bit weird that he went on a week holiday with his ex and son and he ended it because he said I had trust issues etc.
I feel like I’m like this now due to my past relationships. which I resent so bad cos it isn’t me.
for the past 2 months we have still been seeing each other, I have strong feelings for him and he knows I want to be with him but he just wants to basically be friends with benefits and he said he might want to try again in a couple of months (he’s sorting the sale of his house and feels after that he might be ready)
we are together all the time we get on so well, I would do anything for him and I do believe he would do anything for me. We are basically in a relationship, even he has said that but yet he still insists we are just friends atm. I honestly don’t think he is seeing other people either. But I think this situation has made me super insecure like why am I not good enough to be with. This past couple to week particularly.
we argued because he got jealous about me putting on a photo on social media that he said I did to get men’s attention because I was “half naked” I wasn’t…you could see the top of my cleavage that’s all.
so we had a week apart where I said I don’t think I can do this anymore. It even got to a point after a week where a really nice guy asked me on a date and I said I thought I was going to go. He was really upset and said I’d hurt him and he did want me but couldn’t commit to me just yet. I didn’t go on the date because I felt like I had hope with him.
since then we’ve had 2 arguments because of me…being jealous basically. The first one was because he said he was gutted that he didn’t get to see my friend (the same one from previous) strip, and then he said to my friend he would be interested in a threesome (not with her just in general) but had literally a few days before had the same conversation with me and said he could never do that and it didn’t interest him so I questioned him about it cos it confused me that he changed his tune ..and I felt like he had maybe lied to me…triggers from previous relationship again.
then last night I caused another argument cos he was talking to a girl for ages …it was innocent but I was so jealous and I’ve fucked everything up now.
this is not me or who I am I have never acted like this in a relationship (even thought we’re not even together) and I just feel like my guard is up and I pick up on things like triggers from being cheated on and lied to previously and I act out when I feel like I could be in that position again but I’m just ruining it all for myself.
im never going to have a happy relationship if I keep acting like this.
wjat can I do? How can I get back to the old me.
has anyone else experienced this x