Should I leave?

[ClassicHummus]

I started seeing someone from work about two years ago - he had been married and has two small DCs. While not divorced, he was 'properly' separated - so living in a separate house, having DC stay over with him at weekend etc. There was definitely no overlap between me and his ex wife!

On the one hand - we have had a great relationship. He gets me completely, we have a really fun time together, I feel able to be completely myself with him. I love him and I can't imagine having to move on.

On the other - he is still not divorced and perhaps more importantly - I've still not been introduced to his DC. To be clear - I don't think at all I should be taking on a step-parenting sort of role - but I do think that that seeing his children at some weekends (even just in the role of 'Daddy's friend') should be expected by this stage.

The reason for the delay with the divorce progressing/not seeing his children etc. is that financially things are likely to be difficult - he works full time and his ex wife is part time and he is worried about the splitting of the mortgage etc. He isn't being difficult towards ex wife re withholding money or anything like that - they still have a joint account which they just haven't got around to closing. He says he doesn't want his children to have to move house (which I can understand) and he is worried about his ex moving to live nearer her parents, which would make contact harder. He wants to have more frequent contact with his DC, but ex wife is reluctant for this.

While his ex is aware that I exist, she doesn't think it's appropriate for me to spend any time with the DC until I have a meeting with her - I don't think this is a reasonable request given that things between the two of them are still really quite difficult and divorce is not yet finalised. DP also doesn't think this is reasonable, but keeps dragging his feet over formalising contact arrangements etc.

I don't have children and I am not quite yet 30 - I just increasingly think that the sensible/right thing to do is to cut my losses and withdraw myself from this situation. I don't want to but I just keep thinking that the advice I would give to a friend in this situation is to leave, and so maybe that's what I'm left with now.

So is the issue basically that you never see a situation where you two live together? If so , that's a perfectly good reason to end things.

He's either scared of rocking the boat with his Ex or he's quite happy with the current situation - a part-time girlfriend and part-time dad.

Neither of these situations seem to benefit you.

Yes, I think so.

It just feels so hard and overwhelming and I think whatever happens I will have learnt a lot of lessons from this.

With DP, I think he does want a future with me and being able to live together and me see his DC etc. (this is what he tells me!), and if anything he, more so than me, is very happy to have conversations about our future. He says he will sort things and talk to his ex-wife but it's lots of 'I will do it soon' and then 'soon' never materialises.

I just feel like such an idiot looking back.

You know it’s time to cut your losses and leave. You’ll be leaving enlightened, so your future will be brighter.

He’s not able at this point in time to give you what you need, due to him trying to keep amicable with his ex and making sure two little ones feel safe and loved.
Perhaps the shock of their Daddy leaving the home has really upset them and he doesn’t want to bring any more confusion into their lives.
He probably does want a future with you but comes with baggage, so it won’t necessarily be as soon as you want it to be.
If this is not for you, then finish it.

How long has their separation been?

It's a difficult situation to be in depending on how amicable their separation is. If he wants more contact with the children and she's not happy with that and considering yourself things could get harder. If he does actually want more contact and she won't agree he will have to go Mediation and courts route and things could get heated.

She can't dictate who the children are around but at the same time, I can see why she would want to meet you. Just depends on her stance on that, whether it's just to meet you or to make issues.

I'm a father going through courts at the moment, I didn't mull it over but to be fair isn't amicable at all and hostile but I wouldn't want to drag someone else along for the ride. I would like to meet someone but it's not fair and it's a long emotional road.

So, I would say you need to figure out what he's doing. Is he actually intending on gaining more contact or just saying that or is there something you don't know between them that making contact arrangements would cause issues. Then, should he do that, do you want to go through it too.

DP and ex wife had been separated for about 18 months before we started dating - so now about 3 and a half years in total.

I think:

• I have always known and understood that his DC will obviously be his top priority in everything, as they should be.

-I believe that he does want more contact and to see his DC more regularly, and I have been completely supportive of this -I know that their separation hasn't been amicable - and so I think a lot of everything has come down to him not wanting to rock the boat in case it makes things worse and she prevents him from seeing his DC

With regards to meeting his ex-wife, as much as I might not want to - I would and could manage this. However - ex wife has told DP this, DP then doesn't disagree/agree/make arrangements for this to happen.

@ClassicHummus - you sound very sensible to be thinking about these things.

Excellent, thoughtful advice from @Catsafterme. Her wanting to meet you is understandable, tbh, if - as PP have suggested - it’s so she has a sense of who you are, but not if she wants to make trouble.

Also you talk about not being a step-parent but that would effectively be your situation if you settle down with this colleague long-term because he comes as a package. You being with him for 2 years but not having met them has probably given you a slightly distorted impression of what the reality will look like. So you do need to decide whether that is the right thing for you.

To clarify my: 'not wanting to be a step parent' comment - I am very very aware that if we are to have a long term future then ultimately that will result in me taking on some type of SP role.

I've been aware of that from the very beginning - and I know how big a deal it is - and so it isn't something I would want to enter into lightly! I simply meant that right now I wouldn't be stepping immediately into those shoes - I just think that if I can't even occasionally go the park (for example) with DP and his DC then it is impossible for me to visualise what our long-term future would look like and if this could work out.

keeps dragging his feet over formalising contact arrangements etc.

He says he will sort things and talk to his ex-wife but it's lots of 'I will do it soon' and then 'soon' never materialises.

about 3 and a half years in total. Divorce not finalised.

DP then doesn't disagree/agree/make arrangements for this to happen.

I sense a pattern here. He doesn't want things to change enough. He's not willing to fight for your joint dreams despite saying he his. Sorry OP, I don't think he's the one.

That's a fair amount of time maybe, not sure but I know financials take a long time to sort out.

Bear in mind that my view may be skewed as my situation is horrendous. However, as you said it wasn't amicable you need to weigh in the possibility of there being something underlying that may unfold.

Seeing who you are, understandable but at the end of the day she can't dictate that you can't be around them or spend time with them. At some point she, him and you need to move on, it's realistic. Some separations that isn't on the cards though.

Should there be underlying issues that he is aware of things can go bad very fast. He may, considering the bank account and contact arrangements so far, be toeing the line and be in a difficult position where he's keeping her content and that will prevent you from your own life.

As an example, which again may not be the case, my separation was initially like this where I had to toe the line. The moment I tried to see the children on my own and not dance to my wife's tune regarding finances, she took everything we own and the children and I haven't seen or spoken to them now in six months.

You'll have to meet her at some point, it's inevitable as if you continue you'll be in each other's lives to a degree. However, need to figure out why he is not facilitating it because it underpins his contact and your relationship going forward.

2 years?
No way, he s a coward too scared of his ex, or he likes the situation as it is
He s not long term material

Yes that or there's a reason on his part things were not amicable and there's a reason why he doesn't want you to meet.

To be honest, if I wasn't going through it this way and I had met someone, my wife was actually reasonable and wanted to meet I would have facilitated it right away.

This is what you need to figure out. What is the reason for all these delays, is it her or him and either way do you want the complications.

There's something fishy here, as most men would jump at the chance to introduce new women to their children, simply to have free babysitter. The fact he is dragging his feet and has been for years is a glaring red flag. Still not divorced. Go figure. And why would you at 30 want to be a stepmum to 2 young children, put in all the work with zero reward, always being last, not having say in anything, being a scapegoat. I've done this shit at 27 (and I was lucky because my stepdaughter was lovely), but the situation made me miserable. Be smart. Gtfo

He is in a difficult situation and is up to you If you would like to continue seeing him. If you really have feelings for him, have a discussion and tell him how you feel. And try to find a compromise.
i wouldn’t leave a man I am in love with because he is going through divorce, but he would also have to make a sacrifice for me ie start divorce proceedings, move in together and introduce me to his kids.
As for his ex I think it’s completely normal that she wants to meet you as you will be probably spending lot of time with her children.

Apologies If you have already replied, but has he explained why they separated and why his ex is so hostile to him? I mean ok, many couples divorce but If I were her I would make sure the kids still see their father as much as possible.

Not all guys are on the lookout for a woman to be a babysitter, I wouldn't expect that, they are my children and my responsibility. However, I guess it happens more often than not which is just shit.

Divorce can also take a long time, for whatever reasons. I would quite happily be divorced now but I am unable to at the moment.

Something seems off though, but we can't say for sure without more details. Just make sure this isn't a recurring theme, if you want your own children down the line, factor that in too, how that would pan out.

In terms of the reasons for their split - my DP's sister died at the same time as the birth of their second child. There was a lot going on and I think the relationship suffered and broke down as a result. To the best of my knowledge, there was no cheating/abuse/anything like that.
I don't quite know why his ex wife is as reluctant as she has been to allow him to have contact other than that she thinks the children are best with her. (I am really conscious of never being critical of her - I don't know her personally and so it would be highly unreasonable for me to say more here).

With regards to my DP - I do love him and we do talk about everything and he has said the right things - but then just doesn't follow through. I wouldn't want to leave him 'because he is going through a divorce' but I think right now the whole situation is a stalemate where nothing is progressing.

Pretty sure I know what I need to do but it just feels impossibly hard - I had really thought that this was it.

How old are the children? Is there much of an age difference between you two?

Finances in divorce will never be easy so what does he think will change to make the finances possible? I do think he is doing the right thing ensuring his children have a home but that suggests you and him can't really have a future. Also being a step-up is much harder than being a mum. He may be a nightmare Disney dad and you won't know what you are dealing with for another 1,2,3 years??

Whilst he may be separated he is married..with all the legal obligations that entails.If you were my friend/sister I would say bail.

You deserve much more

Just seen your update, he left when his wife had a very small baby??

She is an ex wife.. she is his wife still. If you say that out loud it may help to confirm your decision.

@ClassicHummus
How can you realistically think of any kind of future with a man who seems reluctant to adequately settle aspects of his past that require basic solutions.

He is a man with no closed chapter in his life's story.

Consider separating and telling him to reach out to you when he has resolved some of the unfinished business in his life.

Whatever the reason he is keeping himself and you in limbo, emotionally and financially. He must know this isn't feasible long term, you can't build anything real in this scenario.

You need to figure out why he is reluctant to get moving on with it all. Maybe ask him and gauge his response.

If it's a case of he knows but it's brushed off as in will get around to it or doesn't seem eager, something is off. Either he's not actually ready to move on and doesn't truly want more contact and it's for show, Disney dad or he's worried about the fallout.

Either way, it's inevitable it can't go on forever and if he doesn't you could be a year down the line from now in the exact same position.