When pregnancy (or something life changing) kills a relationship

[theprincessthepea]

After 3 years with my partner, there is an unplanned pregnancy.

The question I want to ask is - How do you bring the relationship back after going through quite an emotional period that sets back the romance in a relationship (it doesn’t necessarily have to be pregnancy related).

It feels like we are just friends again. We couldn’t agree on how to move forward with the pregnancy. But now that we are semi-accepting the reality of being parents - it feels like we are 2 kids at prom wondering what to do next.

I also feel quite emotionally drained. I’ve noticed myself pulling away. He is being pretty kind - cooking, offering to take walks and go out , messaging daily (we both work FT and we don’t live together - and the fact he doesn’t want to either feels like a downer - don’t know how parenting will work).

Im going to therapy as it could be depression creeping up on my part. I don’t really want to see him and I just don’t feel very “sexy” right now. I’m also on edge about this life changing decision. We haven’t kissed in ages - let alone sex.

A part of me feels that this is normal but shouldn’t last but I’m worried we will drag it on - I want to know how to get out of this negative space that I’ve probably created and how couples come out the other end.

Think we might need some external help maybe?

It sounds like the pregnancy has forced the ‘but where are we in the relationship’ question and the pregnancy didn’t appear to move the needle. Maybe you were hoping for different and are realising that at a very vulnerable stage of life, the security in your relationship isn’t there.

We couldn’t agree on how to move forward with the pregnancy.

What does this mean? Did he want you to have an abortion but you want to continue the pregnancy?

@AnneLovesGilbert yes that’s right

Tbh, based on what you have written it just sounds like you aren’t hugely into each other and the pregnancy has basically cemented your relationship and made it very serious when it naturally wouldn’t have gone into that direction.

You don’t live together. I know you have been together 3 years, but plenty of lacklustre relationships that aren’t going anywhere truck on for longer due to monotony and routine.

Unplanned pregnancies don’t ‘kill’ good relationships that were committed with kids on the agenda. Obviously, it doesn’t mean there won’t be a bit of drama as the timeline accelerates- but what you have written is concerning.

The man doesn’t even want to live with you. You are right to wonder how parenting is going to work?

I would be ending things and examine what co parenting is going to look like between you. That’s going to be better for DC than trying to play happy families with an apathetic man who lives in a different house.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. It’s hideous.

Ah.

external help isn’t going to get him to man up OP.

the pregnancy was the opportunity to stop dicking around and commit. He doesn’t want to.

you’ll be doing this alone. Maybe he’ll come around in a couple of years- I’ve seen it happen. But you can’t guarantee it. You need to plan to do this alone.

he doesn’t want to be a husband or father or family unit. He is telling you who is he is.

Then of course you’re feeling detached from him. I don’t know what you do now tbh. How pregnant are you?

@AnneLovesGilbert 17 weeks. Deep down I feel that he is hoping I change my mind and go for a termination.

@BulbasaurBloom its a very rubbish situation and maybe you are right. It’s frustrating as we have spoken about a family and children. Throughout the pregnancy when I’ve raised my concerns he has said he has been in this for the long haul. He even keeps asking me when I’d like to get married. But then has most recently implied a co-parenting set up.

I also feel that the fact we are at pivotal points in our careers is making this hard. He wants to retrain - which I am all for. I’ve taken on a new role that has exciting prospects.

It just feels very flat right now.

Also we both come from quite traditional backgrounds so this adds another layer of pressure - even on my side my family are very religious and “proud”

none of these words of
his actually makes sense with the actual actions of a)- not wanting to live with you and b)- wanting you to have an abortion. Talking about kids and marriage and being it it for the long haul means nothing. He doesn’t want a home with you, hasn’t proposed to you and wanted you to abort a child of yours.

how old are you both?

So you have discovered you are pregnant and he told you he doesn't want to be a child. You going through with pregnancy is you commiting to being a single mum. By law he will have to pay you maintenance but nothing else. I have been a single mother for 9 years now and I would NEVER do it again. Being on your own with childcare issues, work issues, health, school all little worries and big worries. Unless you have huge support network and money is not the issue I wouldn't do it. Your partner is distancing yourself from you. He might step up and see his child, he might form new relationship and your child will have a stepmum, but it's unlikely 3 of you will become a unit

@theprincessthepea don't let his bad behaviour put you off/pressure you into aborting your child. Once your child is here, he/she will all be worth it 💐

So many women start off with far less than ideal situations but who knows what positive things are round the corner. For example, you can meet a great guy some years down the line and have a blended family together .

Learn from this experience and dont stick around with a man next time who's not committed to you by way of marriage

I think you probably know the truth deep down, don't you? The pregnancy hasn't ruined the relationship. It's simply acted as a flashpoint to reveal what was always true; the relationship doesn't have long-term legs.

He will end the relationship as soon as he can without looking like a total jerk. If he wanted to move forward with you and baby, he would be acting differently. Expect to go it alone.

When you say your family is conservative - do you mean (1) 100% pro-life no matter what and we will help you at every step because babies are a blessing conversative? or (2) shut up and abort and never mention it again because out of wedlock babies and their deviant loose mothers are to be shunned forever conservative?