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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to go but unable to leave

12 replies

Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 10:17

Hi, brief back story: myself and DH have been married for 8 years. We have a 5yo DD and I am the main earner. I pay all bills and he is a mostly SAHH with a PT job. He will care for DD during week and I care for her all weekend.

This past year has been H*ll for us both. We are so busy working and parenting that we have grown apart. We have tried several time to make it work; going on dates, allocating time to be together as a couple. But it just got worse and now it is uncomfortable living together. We are both miserable as we care for each other but know deep down that our relationship isn't the same as it was 8 years ago (his words not mine). I have mentioned separating but DH has (rightly so) pointed out we cannot afford it. I can't pay bills for 2 houses if I leave and he cannot afford a place of his own on his wage. We are stuck. I wanted to ask if anybody could suggest a solution which minimises unnecessary hurt? We are depressed enough and don't want DD to be affected more than necessary.

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 22/10/2023 10:23

Surely DD will need some wraparound care before / after school and DH works FT rather than PT

Original poster
Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 10:31

There is the option of breakfast and after-school club which means I can drop off and pick up from school to fit around my job. He isn't willing to change jobs and says more hours aren't available.

OP posts:
Netcam · 22/10/2023 10:41

If he has a part time job, he would get universal credit and you could pay him child maintenance if he is the main carer. The maintenance is then discounted by the number of nights you have the children. With the maintenance, universal credit, job and child benefit he should be able to survive. I managed like this for 5 years as a single parent until my new DH moved in, it was fine. You can look on the child maintenance calculator to see how much you would need to pay and there are lots of places online you can check what universal credit he would get based on his income from work. Universal credit doesn't take account of child maintenance. He would also get council tax reductions and probably free prescriptions/dentist/glasses etc, it all adds up to make it manageable.

Original poster
Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 10:57

I've looked into the cost and he would still be £734 short every month. He would need to pick up 15 extra hours a week which his employer doesn't have. I have offered to support with food and clothes for DD but he would struggle just to keep the house going alone.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 22/10/2023 11:11

Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 10:31

There is the option of breakfast and after-school club which means I can drop off and pick up from school to fit around my job. He isn't willing to change jobs and says more hours aren't available.

Then it's on you if you're willing to accept that as a valid reason to keep up subsidizing him in an unhappy relationship. Fwiw any woman on here in that situation just gets told she'll have to find something else.

Original poster
Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 11:19

I'm trying to be amicable where possible. If we don't find a solution soon, I may have to leave the house as his behaviour is getting worse. He won't look at options anymore. He says it is me that should have to change to suit him and I can only bend so far.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 11:26

It's in his interests to say you can't split up because of finances, because you're supporting him.

He needs to get a full-time job. You're not obliged to stay in the marriage so he can stay doing what he wants.

You don't both need houses of your own. You can both downsize, or only one of you downsize.

There are options like taking in lodgers.

You could do something like nesting, where the child stays in situ and the parents swap between the family home and a small flat.

category12 · 22/10/2023 11:32

I would be careful about moving out - get advice from a solicitor before you do.

Hohofortherobbers · 22/10/2023 11:47

If he won't leave his pt job he needs to get an additional pt job on top

Netcam · 26/10/2023 09:48

Nerdymama93 · 22/10/2023 10:57

I've looked into the cost and he would still be £734 short every month. He would need to pick up 15 extra hours a week which his employer doesn't have. I have offered to support with food and clothes for DD but he would struggle just to keep the house going alone.

He might not be able to afford to live there then. You might both need to move. This is was we did on separation and this made it affordable for both of us to live. I found somewhere to live that would be affordable with my part time work tax credits, child benefit abd maintenance. He found somewhere affordable for him when paying CMS calculated maintenance.

NoodleNuts · 26/10/2023 10:10

If you split then its not really your problem if he only works PT and can't afford to keep a roof over his head. He will need to get a FT/better paying job then won't he. He doesn't want to at the moment because he knows you are paying for everything.

Noseybookworm · 26/12/2023 23:32

You need to get legal advice ASAP. He is already starting to turn nasty and it will only get worse. Getting financial and legal help from a professional is essential.

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