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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my boyfriend a functioning alchoholic or a massive prick

21 replies

Secretaccount · 22/10/2023 09:58

Hello

I am looking for some advice, im autistic i find it difficult to make decisions and read between the lines to give some context my dad is an alcoholic and drinks vodka every day my whole life I am very aware of this type of alcoholic but I'm confused if I'm just over reacting in this situation.

My boyfriend and i have been together for nearly 4 years he works away on the mines he has a drink after work every night and every weekend he binge drinks to the point of a complete mess, we used to talk every weekend on the phone. but now he gets so drunk we cant talk at weekends. This makes the distance much harder last weekend he promised he would speak to me and he did it again rang me at 3am and was just a mess asking if i love him and repeating him self over and over half asleep.

I was very annoyed as i saw he had been active on an online swingers account 4 weeks ago which we agree he wouldnt use anymore and didnt talk to him the next day, he then sent me a whatsapp which why dont i just dump him ? said he understood why i was pissed off and said he cant be what i need and that he cant be a good boyfriend. i asked if he wanted to end it and he said " i guess so " over WHATsapp This is a massive shock as we have been talking about marriage etc we've had lovely times together we never argue unless hes drunk.

He all but ignored me for a week he said he was far from okay and couldn't face me and that he was trying not to drink this weekend ... i texted him yesterday day and said shall we talk tonight? he didn't reply the evening came and went and this morning he said can we talk tonight because he got drunk last night with a sad face.

should i even bother trying to fix this ?
he's just acting like he has no feelings at all

leaving me in limbo not even telling me over the phone if we are actually over or not ? hes been on facebook and still has our photos as his profile im so confused

my past relationships have all been abusive and he treats me so nicely when we are together im really confused

i am 40 he is 38
i have anxiety which he knows about

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2023 10:02

No don’t try and fix it.

he is both a functioning alcoholic and a massive prick.

Check out the freedom programme.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/10/2023 10:03

should i even bother trying to fix this ?
No.

1 It takes two to make a relationship. Only one of you (you) is trying

2 You can't fix him. Only he can fix him. If he tried you could help him but he is not trying.

PumkinPetra · 22/10/2023 10:05

Hes both. Take control and end it. Block him on everything and move on. Hes been on a swingers site plus who know what else. Hes not waiting around for you

Original poster

Secretaccount · 22/10/2023 10:08

PumkinPetra · 22/10/2023 10:05

Hes both. Take control and end it. Block him on everything and move on. Hes been on a swingers site plus who know what else. Hes not waiting around for you

yes this bothers me too , i know hw can't meet anyone he is in the middle of no where he says he uses it like porn hub

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 10:14

You're trying to label him (prick/alcoholic), rather than looking at how you feel about him. People don't try to label others in this way unless there's a serious deficit of respect. You can't love someone you don't respect, and if you feel you do, there's a reason, internal to yourself, for this glitch. That's what you need to be looking at. Not 'Is he an x, y or z?', but 'Why am I continuing a relationship with someone who can only be an x, y, or z?'

Look to yourself. Other people are their own business, even family and partners. You are your own business. It's your responsibility to yourself to make sure you are spending time with people who are respectful of you. It's not their responsibility to respect you.

BMW6 · 22/10/2023 10:38

Well you're not in a loving and supportive relationship are you.

You have a long distance crap "relationship" with an alcoholic fuckwit.

Does he make you happy? As he actually IS, not as you'd like him to be?

Epidote · 22/10/2023 10:45

I agree with PP he is both. You will be better off that mess.

Bunnyhair · 22/10/2023 10:49

You can also end the relationship - you don’t need to be in limbo waiting for him to tell you whether or not you’re still together. It doesn’t sound like it’s working for you. You can’t fix this but you can end it.

solice84 · 22/10/2023 10:50

He's both op
It won't get better only worse
You can on the other hand can do a lot better

WhereDoYouGo1 · 22/10/2023 10:50

Why oh why would you want a relationship with a man like that?

Planesplanesplanes · 22/10/2023 10:52

He is both. But it doesn’t matter as in either situation you should end the relationship.

ConnieTucker · 22/10/2023 10:52

Op, why does it matter whether he is a cheating mess and alcoholic or a cheating mess and a prick? Why is one better than the other?

end the relationship.

Original poster

Secretaccount · 22/10/2023 10:54

thank you

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2023 10:58

No don’t try and fix it. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Those are the three c's when it comes to alcoholism.

He is both a functioning alcoholic and a massive prick. This low life likely targeted you and deliberately because of your own poor life experiences and boundaries caused by you having an alcoholic for a father. This relationship with your boyfriend needs to be over and asap. He, along with your dad's behaviour re alcohol, are likely to be the root causes of your anxiety.

Love your own self for a change and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Get support also from Al-anon as they can be very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. Read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/10/2023 11:09

In an relationship it's important to feel loved, secure and respected.

If you don't have these 3 things, left not matter what the reason. You have even more reasons to leave.

Getoverit1965 · 22/10/2023 11:09

The two are not mutually exclusive, he is both. Get rid, he is a waste of time and energy.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 22/10/2023 11:20

Both OP. Honestly, you will be better off on your own than with this man. Plus, you will then be in a position to meet someone who values you.

SpecialPatrolGroupp · 22/10/2023 11:46

Have you ever had any counselling around your childhood experiences? It sounds like you are in a pattern of choosing relationships where you are disrespected and treated poorly. The best thing you could do right now is take some time out from relationships and work on yourself. I would strongly recommend EMDR. You deserve so much more, but you need to believe that yourself before you can find it xx

Original poster

Secretaccount · 22/10/2023 11:54

Thank you this has been really helpful and i needed to hear it.
I watch my mums struggle with my dad my whole life and i do not want that its just a shame because i did think i found someone with who finally i could feel safe with. but I guess i just didn't know him like i thought i did

i do have alot of unresolved issues that i have worked on with therapy etc but i should spend some more time on myself i won't be going into another relationship for a long time , i just want to be loved and at peace

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/10/2023 12:21

i won't be going into another relationship for a long time , i just want to be loved and at peace

You need to be doing this for yourself. Pretend, from this moment forward, that you are a child that you have to look after. You wouldn't put a child with someone who treated her like that, you wouldn't even put a child with someone who made them unhappy via innocent means, would you? If you were a child, where would you put you, now? Who would you put you with, for your child-self's best interests?

Pccleaner · 22/10/2023 12:22

I got as far as the first two paragraphs.LTB

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