Is it possible to heal from an abusive relationship while you're still in it?

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My marriage is over with ex H. Finally. I've done it. I've spent years writing posts on here but never taken the advice you all gave me which was to leave until now. 5 weeks ago he left.

But I don't feel that sad. I don't feel heartbroken. I've already done my crying. I'm sleeping better than ever. I'm doing the freedom programme and had a couple of sessions with my therapist. Even she says I don't need to see her unless I feel I need too

I know he's already messaging other women. He's told me - while spent the last few weeks begging me to try again because he will 'change' but he's got another one waiting in the wings. I can't help but laugh. And feel sorry for the new one. He's pathetic. We were together 8 years and he destroyed it. And me.

I know he's gone back to therapy too - he sent me a long email the other day about it. The therapist told him how he needs to really start to prove himself to people. He hasn't seen ds at all in the time he left and told me he was ready to see him. He took him to a school event on Friday and it was almost like he couldn't wait to drop him back off and leave. He was stood in my hallway messaging other women while ds was begging him to come in and play. He's 5 years old.

Anyway i feel ok. I feel relieved. I've had some moments of feeling content and even happy! Especially over the last week or so.

I'm just worried it's all going to hit me later on. ExH has said a few times 'I hope you don't regret this'. Again it makes me laugh.....but i just hope I'm over the worst! I don't see how I could ever regret ending something I've wanted to be over for so long.

I just wonder if I've healed from it all while we've still been together....

First of all, well done for finally taking the step to leave!

I can relate to this. I was with my abusive ex for 5 years and by the time I left, I absolutely hated him. He sickened me and every fibre of my being just wanted out. I don't relate to women on here who have left an abusive ex but say they still love him and miss him. Not once have I ever felt the urge to return to the pure hell that relationship was.

Having said that, I think there's a difference between revelling in the relief and happiness that comes from finally being free, and healing.

Despite how ecstatic I was to be rid of him, I did experience periods of fully processing the gravity of what I went through. It didn't happen right away. It took about six months to fully start processing it. When you're in the relationship, you're in survivor mode and your brain numbs you to how bad things are as a way of enduring it. I knew things were bad but I didn't realise they were that bad.

This was just my experience, and I don't want to worry you that this will happen to you. It might not. But my general feeling is that no, you can't heal from abuse whilst you're in it. You need space from it to gain the perspective to properly process it and deal with it.

You're definitely over the worst because you're out of the situation, but healing usually isn't linear. Enjoy being in a good place now, but be prepared and make sure you have a support system in place in case you do find yourself struggling later on.

It takes years op. And the minute you think you've recovered, life sends you another way to relive it.

Even she says I don't need to see her unless I feel I need too

That's because she validates you. Do what you want. Do what you feel like doing. If you feel ok now, do what you want. If you feel shitty next week/year, do what you want then, too. You might worry that you're not doing this 'right' if you feel ok, but who decides for you what's 'right'? All you can do is enjoy the good times when they come. Deal with feeling bad if you feel bad.

You have to allow yourself to be ok.

Anyway i feel ok. I feel relieved. I've had some moments of feeling content and even happy! Especially over the last week or so.

Everyone is different OP.

However, I felt like this initially after my abusive ex left. Unfortunately, it was later followed by some intensely difficult times & really low moments. My ex found many more ways to torment & hurt me & DC, and the financial & practical implications of raising 3 DC alone were nearly impossible.

I also, with my therapist, had to learn who I was, how this had happened, and how to grow as a person. That's a long and ongoing process.

My advice is to accept each stage as it comes, but don't expect everything to be easy.

Well done on leaving 👏

I felt the same after I told him, I felt better than I had in a long time. I felt so relieved and I coped with his behaviour so much more easily because I knew we were moving towards a place where I wouldn't have to deal with him everyday anymore. When he finally moved out I felt great, crazy busy, broke, but great. When he finally had the kids overnight I fell apart.. Now I'm alternating between periods of being mum and getting everything done and then overwhelmed when they're with their Dad. I did know that I'd never really managed to deal with any of it, I'd found it impossible to heal or move past it while he was still here, but I didn't realise how much I'd buried. I don't know if it's possible to heal while still in an abusive relationship, for me it wasn't, but that's just my personal experience, yours could well be very different.

The relief of ending it is not the same as healing from it.

Part of the work is understanding how to avoid the next abusive relationship.

Well done for ending it, your future has already begun.

Very astute words. It has taken me so long to unwrap all the aspects of how I ended up in such an abusive relationship.

Much is linked to childhood, unsurprisingly and has been very painful to deal with. It took a long time to be able to face that.

Yes, same here. The traumatic difficult part for me was making the decision to end things. That took years. Once I was certain though, I was quick to leave and haven’t looked back.

Like you I was worried that it might hit me at some point, and people do like to doom monger when they see you happy, but no - 10 years on and I have been pretty consistently happy ever since.

I still get moments of pure bliss when I am reminded of what life would be like if I were still with him.

Going off my experience, I don't believe so. It takes a long time, especially depending on the circumstances of the relationship/abuse.

Although my own circumstances are perhaps different, I am the father in my case and my children have been withheld and are in danger, so I'm going through that at the same time as trying to heal from the abuse I received for over a decade.

It's been six months now no contact with her or the children. I've gone through months of circling the drain and then came back up stronger, felt alive, yet at the same time grieving the loss of the children and have no option than to fight to protect them.

Ive been in therapy and still am, which is hard. I no longer feel anything for her, like others say, I'm empty. I don't even hate her, nothing is there just the children.

I thought I was doing well until finally court has started and they have taken notice of the severity of the circumstances.

Now there's hope, they are still isolated but with that progression I broke, it brought it all up again and now I'm desperately trying to build back up for the next hearing.

Don't fall for their mind games, empty promises and future faking, their actions show you exactly who they really are.