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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am far too old to be confused about this man's intent but I am !!! Advice please

17 replies

stiffstaff · 22/10/2023 01:05

I have been friends with a man for nearly 18 months. We are both over 60 and he is a decade older than me. He has never been married but has had one girlfriend that I know of. There was a spark when we met and he asked for my number but I assumed he was funny and flirty and asked for everyone's number and I didn't respond to his flirtiness in the same way. We always got on well when we went out with a group after our shared class. He has encouraged me to do other things related to our hobby that he does too.

Then over this summer he has ramped up the texting and is now texting me multiple times per day every day. They are funny and sweet and always lighthearted. If he goes anywhere he takes photos of where he is, what he is doing and sends them to me. All day. After all this chatting he asked me for a drink and I'm afraid I panicked and avoided it. He later asked me to go on an adventure abroad he was going on. I thought he must be joking and explained by email that after my husband left me suddenly after decades together, I panic if someone is interested in me, but that if he was asking me out I wouldn't necessarily say no. Which is actually huge for me! I was then embarrassed and said forget the email, that I now realised he hadn't gone mad so we wouldn't be awkward next time we met. He didn't reply per se, just sent an irrelevant funny message about one of our in jokes, but I know he had read it.

The texts are very light and sweet, occasionally a bit cheeky but I have no idea if he feels the same way as I do as I am getting very fond of him. I've sent him hugs, when he needs them, he seems to like those but doesnt respond in kind. It is so sweet and I love the attention, and the way he is very careful with kisses etc as I only use them if I'm softening something I am saying and he does the same.

He is lovely but I went for an after class drink with him and he could have made a move then but didn't. But he was also very odd when I turned up at the class we both go to with a male friend who was just starting there, like his nose was out of joint. Anyone got a clue what is going on??? It is driving me mad. I feel 15 again. Is this something men do when they aren't that bothered about taking it further ? I don't want to lose him as a friend and I think he values me as a friend. We have texted so much but we don't call each other and he doesn't treat me any differently in class now after a summer of texting than he did last term, although he has officially changed his class time and is really only staying because I go then and I said I would miss him if he stopped going. I would be surprised if he had enough time to text anyone else that much. Help !!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/10/2023 01:21

You’ve not given him much of a signal that you’re ready to go beyond friendship so what is he supposed to do? You told him to forget the email you sent to him saying you wouldn’t necessarily say no. So he won’t know what you think or want.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/10/2023 01:23

You’re also not flirting back with him by the sound of it. So how is HE supposed to get any idea that you fancy him? I mean, DO you? It’s even hard to tell from your posts as you’re being so unclear about what YOU want. So god help the poor man, he won’t know what to think.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/10/2023 01:31

AND you show up to class with another man so he probably doesn’t know whether that man is your friend or boyfriend or what.

just be clever in your head what YOU want and then act accordingly and make sure he knows what you want. Flirt. Test the water. It’s easier over text cos he’s not in front of you.

SleepPrettyDarling · 22/10/2023 01:38

You don’t need to waste energy being confused about his intentions. Are you interested in him it all? Just look at it through your lens, rather than fretting about what he thinks. (Personally, it sounds to me like he has fabricated a whimsical friendship, but not moved in it, and I’d find that tedious.)

DatingDinosaur · 22/10/2023 02:13

After sending him that "forget that email" message he thinks you've friend-zoned him. So that's what he's being; friendly.

You turning up with some other man will have, to him, just confirmed his friend-zone status. So yes, if he has eyes for you then he will feel a little 'nose put out of joint' about that.

Just enjoy his company and see where things go. He hasn't gone cold on you so it seems like he's letting you set the pace with this.

junbean · 22/10/2023 02:31

Just figure out what you want, then ask him what he wants. Very simple! Anyone of any age should do this from the beginning and it will save you a lot of overthinking. If your desires or needs don't match you can just be friends and move on.

Pinkbonbon · 22/10/2023 02:38

Im not really sure what's confusing you about him? He's obviously into you. He asked you on holiday with him!

But he on the other hand may think you're not into him.

Britneyfan · 22/10/2023 03:49

I agree with others, sounds like he’s interested in you but you’ve so far given him the message that you’re probably not interested in him that way. I think you need to ask him out if you want something to happen now! The ball is in your court.

Mamma2017 · 22/10/2023 04:46

It might seem beside the point but you say he’s in his 70s and only had one relationship? Made me think he has issues with relating to people in terms of relationships which would tally with the confusing signals he’s giving you. Just a thought.

Hearmenow23 · 22/10/2023 04:56

Ask him for a drink and take it from there.

MmedeGouge · 22/10/2023 06:03

SleepPrettyDarling
and
Mamma2017

Both Seem to have hit the nail on the head.
If you enjoy the friendship the way it is then carry on. If it’s upsetting you move on.

I would guess that he has always conducted his relationships like this. He’s in his 70s and will not change now.

Rania78 · 22/10/2023 08:09

OP ask him to come for dinner to your place and let things roll.

stiffstaff · 22/10/2023 08:26

Thank you so much everyone. I will give my next move some thought as I would definitely like it to go somewhere with him. He is the first man I have been interested in since my ex, and it is lovely to feel like this about someone again.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 22/10/2023 08:37

Can't you say exactly that to him? No need to be thinking of moves

Cinai · 22/10/2023 08:45

Sounds like some mixed signals from your end, too. Just make a move and see what he says.

Gloriously · 22/10/2023 08:53

I don’t think that you are confused about HIS intent - I think you were confused and paralysed by YOUR feelings.

However it seems this has been clarified by your last post - text him that.

Good luck - take a chance, dip your toe and enjoy the moment - see where it takes you but if it’s not right have an exit strategy ready to go....

Seaoftroubles · 22/10/2023 10:50

OP if you're confused then l am pretty sure he is too! You've given him mixed messages and having refused him when he asked you you out he has then retreated and put you in the friendzone.
He obviously is interested so you may have to let him know you are too, but why not just date and enjoy the connection for a bit whilst you see how it goes?
He's been a bachelor for a long time and there may be reasons why!

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