Feeling like I’ve lost everything

[Rachaelc1981]

Not sure why I’m posting this, maybe just so it feels like I’m talking to someone. As my title states, I feel like I’ve lost everything in my life. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married 9), he has 3 children (young adults, 2 live at home) and we have 3 children together. I home schooled 2 of the youngest and my youngest is 2.5 so you can imagine I am pretty busy plus I take the older 2 back and forward to work every day. I have absolutely no time with my husband, as in zero time. I eventually get to sit next to him at 10/11pm. My youngest isn’t the best sleeper so I’m up and down settling him back into bed then by the time it’s 1am my husband says right I’m off to bed and I end up sleeping in the sofa with the baby so my husband and everyone else can get some sleep. We never go to bed together, never wake up next to each other. He keeps saying I give him nothing, no attention, I don’t make him happy or smile or show him I love him and he even came out with “why would I spend my time with you”? “What do you do for me that would make me want to spend my time with you?” When I asked if we could go out on a date (he’s just been out with his daughter tonight for meal and drinks, and muggins here took them and picked them up) ! I love him with all my heart but I just can’t get a break, nothing I do seems good enough and in all honesty I just feel like a skivvy and a babysitter. I have never felt so low, down, worthless in my life. My kids don’t listen to me and everyone keeps saying they need told etc. No need to respond, I just needed to get that off my chest. Sorry

Fuck all that.

Older ones can get their own arses to work, your husband can do his share of parenting and housework, if not, fuck him off.

You're worth more.

Doesn’t feel like I am at all, but thank you for your kind words x

Just want to say that I have read, and sympathise. Big hug.
I guess writing it all down brings it into clearer focus somehow, and it is definitely good to get it out there, off you chest, even if it doesn't solve the problem straight away.
I honestly cannot believe that men like that exist - still (I was married to one); he really needs to think about what he has, and (even unlikely as it is), maybe change his attitude.
Even though, as we all know, it is not about wishing a person would change, or trying to make them.... We need to change ourselves... And in your case, this must be the time for a big think about what is happening in your life, what is happening FOR you, and how you see a decent way forward.
I hope that writing it out can help you sleep a little easier. Even if it means only a little, you are not alone.

You need to get your own life - and stop being everybody’s servant.

Stop being a driver to the older kids.
Get your younger kids to school and nursery - a tired, stressed and unhappy mother with no support isn’t the best person to homeschool.

You need to remember that you matter. And take care of you.

Your H would either wake up and start being a proper partner - or go and take care of his grown up kids himself. And co-parent the younger ones.

Stop home schooling.
Enrol youngest in nursery.
Feed yourself and your children but stop doing all but the most basic housework.
Have a short term, medium and long-term plan re. what you want from your life.
Plan to get back to work.

That'll do for a start.

You love a man who treats you like shit "with all your heart?" Really? Why on earth is your bar so low?

Oh hunny. Sending you a massive virtual hug. You are incredible, the amount of work you do for your family is amazing.

You do way more than your fair share and something has got to give. The fact is you are doing such a great job that you’ve made it look easy and now your husband appears to take you for granted.

At the moment you don’t have a husband, he’s not helping you in the ways he could and should. This is not a partnership.

Marriage isn’t always easy but sometimes the difference between a good and bad one is simply communication. I strongly urge you to plan a time to talk to your husband honestly when you are both fed and rested if possible.

Sometimes there is a reason why a person is acting so nastily, maybe he doesn’t realise what he’s doing or he has his own stressors which you can’t see. Any reasonable human being, who is worth staying married to, should be willing to hear your concerns and work with you to make your life and relationship better.

Your husband is a nasty man. I had one like that too. I'm sorry. Get rid.

It’s time to plan to make changes. DH can take his children to work or they can get public transport.

Enrol your children in school. They will miss out on potential lifelong friendships. This is why they are playing up for you. They need the socialisation of school and an independent life away from the home. Also you can’t possibly be an expert in all subjects. Inspiring teachers can change lives.

Go back to work. Ensure DH does his fair share around the house. Don’t skivvy for the adult children.

When you have a life away from the home and your own income, you maybe decide you want to bin off this unpleasant DH of yours.

Thank you. You are right, I just needed to “tell someone”. I have no one to talk to. I feel totally alone and isolated x

@Rachaelc1981 you are alone .

There is unfortunately an underground movement of us who can completely empathise.

I really don’t see why you love him. He sounds utterly selfish. I agree, put your kids in school, get back to work and then make a plan to leave him. This is no life.