Family Obligations and Emotions: Ex-Pats help!

[Lomita277]

I am not sure whether this thread lies within elderly parents or holidays but here is my dilemma: I have been living in Ireland for 20 plus years and I'm originally from the US. My parents are very elderly and in poor health so I try to visit them once or twice a year.

To put things into perspective, I am three years separated, nearly divorced and suffered a good deal of mental trauma when things happened at the start. I feel better now but I have to be very careful to take care of myself as I know what my triggers are. Secondly, my parents have sold our family home and I only have one sister to whom it is an absolute foreign and unacceptable idea to let me stay at her place while I am visiting. Unfortunately my family are like that (my Irish friends can't relate to that at all!).

I have a partner now, who pretty much sees us as totally separate people so there is no option of going on holidays together. I really need something to look forward to, as I am working really hard and from time to time I do feel a bit low so I want to combine visiting family with having a break myself.

What I want to know, and maybe ex-pats who travel home can advise me, how can I both go home and visit family and also have a special holiday for myself, without spending a fortune! My family are in Southern California which is really expensive.

All my friends here envy me and think I'm going on a fantastic holiday in California but the truth is, the Airbnb in somebody's garage is always a bit depressing, as is cooking all my own meals to save money, flying on the long flight by myself and having to face driving on the other side whilst jet-lagged alone!

Please don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I have always felt a little guilty about making my life here away from them, and I know I am fortunate in the larger scheme of things, to be able to travel to California. I just find this a tricky dilemma as I did this trip once and came back home an emotional disaster and totally felt unable to go back to work...

Any advice?

That’s pretty poor of your sister.
Other thoughts:
House swap
Room in your parents care home- lots of homes in the UK have a guest room for visitors or even let you out a camp bed up!
Parish house (only really possible if you’re a church goer)

Thanks for your kind suggestions. For me, a house swap is a bit awkward for the average American tourist as I live out in the country. My parents’ care home used to have spare rooms (average rates in California $180 per night) but they don’t do that any more.

I don’t know if it would be better value to just pay a little more and stay in a hotel where I’ll get food, have a gym and pool and treat it like a holiday or to Airbnb cheaply for a shorter time and then stay somewhere else as a four or five day break just on my own. Generally average hotels in So Cal are pretty dire. My sister covered the hotel cost of two nights up in Central California last year but it was a little awkward as she doesn’t like doing the same things I would do on holiday.

What I want to know, and maybe ex-pats who travel home can advise me, how can I both go home and visit family and also have a special holiday for myself, without spending a fortune! My family are in Southern California which is really expensive

Hi OP, slightly different situation but I'm visiting family in Australia next year and I'm going the hotel route. DB is semi-retired, lives rurally, I don't drive and I'd be dependent on him driving me into the city, plus he's a carer for DSIL and I don't want to add the burden of him having to think about me while caring for her. I'd much prefer a city centre hotel where I can sight see, take trips and see people at my own pace.

Late response, but anyhow...

I think it's smart of you to learn from your last trip to your parents, and to do things differently. You remember how you felt after the last time, and if you can do some changes I think you should.

I agree with a previous poster (and you) that it might be a good idea to stay in a hotel, for at least part of the trip, if it is economically possible. You write that you need a break. Try to plan some activities or outings that are just for you while you are there.

Good luck, and safe and happy travels!

Thanks for weighing in there SkaneTos! I’m just starting to think about planning my trip and I’m definitely going to try and balance duty and having a break by staying in a hotel. I feel my sister’s refusal to let me stay at her place is something I’ll just have to accept and move on from …

For our last visit home to Australia I ended up booking an off-season apartment near the beach for a song, which meant we could swim, save money on food by cooking for ourselves and we had a base for family and friends to visit us. If that is out of your budget, then maybe a nicer back-packers (our next option)?

Hi, can anyone recommend a holiday destination for myself to take my elderly parents. Somewhere not to far abroad, and not too hot. We've been to Majorca, so something similar that's easy to walk about? Thanks in advance.

Hello!
I would recommend that you start your own thread with your question. A good place would be the Holiday-board.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/holidays?view=compact-view

I hope you will have a lovely holiday with your parents!

Hi OP, I completely relate as I was in that same situation for a number of years, with the exception that I was in Edinburgh. Sadly I'm stuck living back in the US as Mum became ill and I had to move back to the US to look after her after being in the UK for so so so many years.

I have a suggestion: is it possible to do your family visit duties then book a trip to Cabo, Mazatlan or Puerto Vallarta? If you'll be in SoCal, that's a short flight and look at Southwest Vacations. I've traveled solo with them a number of times to Playa Del Carmen and always get a great deal. You can usually pick up last minute bookings at a great price. If you stay all inclusive, you can save even more dosh and have all of the food and drinks you want.