Never find love like that again

[Oldmamabear]

So 5 years ago when the last of my kids left home I thought I would start dating. Having dated before with much disappointment I didn't hold out much hope but I had time on my hands when I wasn't working so took the plunge. One guy I liked the look of I ended up on a date with. I was instantly attracted to him, and everything about him. His voice was enough to turn me to jelly and I'm normally quite aloof. We fell for each other almost dtraight away and he was the funniest, sexist, most intelligent and caring man I ever met. We laughed til we cried, cooked, shopped, danced, and spent our spare time together. I couldn't believe it. Then very slowly his jealousy stated showing. Then growing. Then his temper came out. He never hit me or anything like that but he still scared me. I stopped mentioning male friends. I looked away from waiters, postman or neighbour's to avoid getting accused of something. Anyway, for 4 years we regularly broke up over his jealousy Then got back together with apologies and promises he won't ever kick off over Trivia sgain. He was jealous of my son, the dog, my female friends my past everything. I thought he would settle down but he didn't it got worse. I walked away for the last time a year ago after he blew up over me saying hello to my neighbor on way in. Neighbour's is 72 and married. I'm now trying to date again but despite his jealousy I still love the man I met. I compare everyone to him and I just can't seem to move on properly. I don't want to go back as it will never work out. He texts all time declaring undying love and I either ignore it or reply politely but firmly. Anyone else been in this situation? How did you manage to move on?

You need to do some reading on trauma bonds. Until I did I just kept attracting the same dickheads

I could be described as jealous towards my ex, not to the level your ex was, that has clearly gotten out of hand. But I don’t think it’s helpful to describe your ex as jealous when the root was something else, behaviour is communication
the foundations of your relationship were unstable and vulnerable. He feels threatened because he’s aware of it. The connection between you must feel very unstable, you musnt know each other very well and you mustnt know how to communicate with each other , don’t understand each other, and now he feels has no choice but to display his unhappiness in his behaviour.

I disagree with the PP above. He was a jealous git. Lots of them about. I blame the patriarchy.

For God's sake. what utter nonsense. This man had no choice but to behave like a jealous and controlling twat because the Communication and relationship wasn't strong? It beggars belief.

Ignore this OP. It firmly blames you for ‘unstable’ foundations that the poor man couldn’t help but manifest 🙄 What absolute bollocks

You just need time, and to remember that the man you feel in love with wasn’t actually who he was.

Hi OP. Hopefully you won't find love like that again because it sounds awful. Hopefully you find love with someone who doesn't use controlling behaviour or treat you unkindly. Don't give up. Keep looking, and block your ex. He is not a good man. He may just on occasion be able to pretend to be one.

Why have you framed this behaviour as jealousy? It was was control. He wasn’t jealous of your elderly neighbour at all. He felt he had a right to control who you spoke to.

You wont move on while you’re still in contact.

That wasn’t love, that was love - straight out of the abusers handbook.

Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, all will become clear.

Abusers have a broken compass when it comes to right and wrong.

Here’s an online free pdf:

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Block him and stop answering. You are giving him attention. It gives him false hope and perpetuates your own feelings for this man. He was an abuser. His behaviour falls within the remit of verbal abuse. Don't try to find a replacement. Give yourself space and time to get over what happened, and do the freedom programme to make yourself resilient in the future. You were in love with the idealised version of this man, and that wasn't the real him. He showed you the real him, and he was an insecure, needy abuser who made your life difficult, and exerted misogynistic control at every opportunity. You made a wise decision to get him out of your life, and anyone strong enough to do that can have their head high up on their shoulders. Now you have to focus on you, and your personal happiness. The first steps to finding a loving partner is being happy by yourself, and with yourself. For what it is worth, I ditched a jealous boyfriend this year and understand that can be hard as you can mourn the idealised version of the relationship in your head. I thought he was the love of my life, but he showed the same sort of behaviour traits as yours. No regrets at all. in getting rid of him, as my parents raised me to love myself enough not to let anyone break me down.

Thanks for all your messages and reading matter. I had a good read through and it's incredible how accurate the descriptions are. I have cut contact, joined a dating site to at least start making an effort to move on instead of sitting like a rabbit in headlights wondering what the hell has happened to the original me. I think as my first love was extremely attractive and funny but controlling subconsciously I've set my subconscious to look for that again. I'm definitely attracted to edgy men who have a very subtle streak of danger. Clearly I need to reverse that. I've ordered the why does he do that book and I am going to find someone there is a chance of lasting happiness with. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.