Friendship with your ex (dad to your kids)

[Twinkiebinkieseven]

Hi people!

Just needing to offload and sense check if I may. So, my ex left me with two kids (youngest was one)

We had some good times but he was emotionally abusive so, by the time he left, it was a relief. It's been a tough couple of years but the clouds are have lifted and me and the kids are in a really good space :).

Their dad moved 100miles away so only sees them once during the school holidays for a long weekend or a 1 week period in summer. So day to day, I juggle work, kids and the home alone with the support of my family and friends.

Since our split, I've always been cordial and tried to be friends as he wanted although he's always made it clear in this time he wanted to get back together (despite him getting into relationships with other women since) but, things came to a head when I found out recently that he had actually cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship. When I confronted him about this, he blamed me for his cheating! No apology. It really was a wake up call.

Whilst I will be as cordial and cooperative as I can be with him for the sake of the kids, I don't want to be friends with him and told him I don't want him in my house for Xmas ( he spent the last two with us since the split). Also note, its my house, not his as he left me homeless.

I told him he is welcome to have the kids over at his for xmas but he declined then went on to accuse ME of breaking tradition - I'm a big Xmas fan so I've always been the one to host big celebrations with my extended family since way before I met him so he's always enjoyed xmas with me. He's not close to his own family so will spend it alone or, with whatever woman he's dating in December.

He also accused me of now punishing him and his kids retrospectively.

So the question is, am I wrong for not wanting a friendship or to cos-play family time at Xmas when I can't find any reason at all to like or respect him?

I did consider that the kids may lose out but, I feel I could do more damage by teaching them that it's ok to move away from your kids because you still get to be there for the 'nice times' whilst being able to 'drop' the hard times e.g. kids sickness, appointments, parents evenings, extra curricular activities, visiting new schools for the kids etc..

Anyone been through something similar ?

Fuck that. He’s out of order. Ignore his whinging and have the Christmas you want. You’ve offered him the chance to have the DC and he’s turned you down.

That's my immediate feel. I feel such an idiot for taking so long to get to this point😩

Good riddance and I wouldn't have any interactions with him other than about the children. I would put this matter to your kids and ask if they want him involved. He is still their dad and he will definitely tell them the next time he sees them that you didn't want him in the house which could cause upset. It's a really sensitive thing as children are involeved.

Well done for asserting your boundaries. His Xmas day is not your problem.

No way on this earth would I have him over for Xmas. Ignore him, block him on all platforms with the exception of one email he can use to discuss the dc. Ignore his emotional blackmail. You've already told him he can see the dc over Xmas it's up to him if he chooses not to. You owe him nothing!

You are right to be done. He is no t making amends.

Nah. You need to be civil, not friends.

He's a lazy fuck who doesn't want the responsibility of looking after his kids. We live a similar distance away from my DHs kids and he makes the journey every other weekend to collect them, 2 hours each way. 100 miles isn't that far, he just can't be arsed to be a dad. Sorry OP, your kids deserve better.